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Original poster

My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

994 replies

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:25

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

OP posts:
clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 14:06

Clingfilm · 01/04/2024 13:47

Yes the aunt has caused a problem but think the daughter could have given away a lot more, especially to her brother. I know I couldn't do that to my siblings.

Hasn't she thought how she would feel if it were her brother that bought the London flat and holidays and she got £50k?

Why?

It wasn't the aunt's wishes that anyone other than the DD in this situation inherits. So why should she have done that? She didn't have to give a penny and to be quite honest-given how ungrateful the lot of them are for what they did receive-they didn't deserve a penny, either.

Fizzadora · 01/04/2024 14:05

I am going to go against the grain here and say that your aunt has been exceptionally cruel here unless she really didn't realise the impact that this would cause in the family and your daughter has exacerbated that.
I think you and your brother, whilst maybe feeling a bit miffed, don't really have any cause to be annoyed but I think it's so awful for the cousins and especially your son.
Your daughter has played Lady Bountiful by giving gifts to you all but I would definitely feel very sad if a child of mine felt that this was acceptable.
It's such an enormous life changing amount of money (for an ordinary family, not your usual mumsnetters) and I would like to think that anyone with a grain of decency would share it out more fairly.
I honestly think your family dynamic will have changed irreparably because of this and it will be very hard to recover from.
Please leave all your wealth to your son.

Universalsnail · 01/04/2024 14:05

If I were you I would give the 50k your daughter gave you to your son. That gives him 100k which is a decent chance to get on the property ladder and having himself set up on a nice house might ease the resentment he feels.

Thegrassneedsmowing · 01/04/2024 14:04

Your aunt's legacy was intended to be divisive. It's worked. Your DD should certainly have given her brother more for starters.

Nori10 · 01/04/2024 14:04

Look, she could have kept the lot and instead chose to share some. Yes, she still gets the majority, but that's what was intended by her aunt.

Instead of looking at what you don't have, try and be happy that your daughter is in such a fortunate position at a young age. To be mortgage free and have a better work life balance, will allow her to really enjoy life and surely that's what we want for our children?

This only has to leave a bad taste if all those who didn't benefit as much as her let it,

It's not uncommon in families for there to be an imbalance of wealth. I have a sibling who is very financially well off due to their job. If I sit around comparing what they have or could have compared to me, I'd be pretty miserable. But I choose to be happy and proud of their hard work and push comparisons out of my mind. You have a choice as to how much you let this damage your relationship with your daughter. Make the right one.

MississippiAF · 01/04/2024 14:03

TruthorDie · 01/04/2024 14:00

This reverse was spotted a few pages back!

If this is actually real 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I never got a £50k housing deposit and live in a more expensive part of the country than your family members. I coped. You all sound rather grabby lm afraid

I think it’s real, OP has posted before

DD was like a DD to the aunt, if I remember correctly

JustHereForTheDeletionMessageAgain · 01/04/2024 14:03

I'm calling reverse too.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 01/04/2024 14:02

ARichtGoodDram · 01/04/2024 13:31

Your aunt isn’t the cause of the problem. You treating your daughter differently because of your own greed is the cause.

None of you would have been happy no matter what she did .

This, you're all being horrible she didn't give you more of her money!

Universalsnail · 01/04/2024 14:02

What was your daughter's relationship like with her brother before this?

Ponderingwindow · 01/04/2024 14:02

It is a bit odd for the aunt not to have gifted to the cousins equally. Your daughter still shared out a generous portion of her inheritance. If I am correct, right up to the amount to avoid tax implications? Sharing with her cousins and sibling was very kind.

That the older generations also expected a cut and are resentful of not getting more is ridiculous. You should have been setting the tone that this is her money. You could have nipped the family discord in the bud.

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2024 14:02

Your daughter had a close relationship with her aunt, spent time with her regularly etc.

Your son and nephews didn’t. Sounds like you, your parents and brother didn’t either.

Based on that relationship, she willed her belongings to the person she was close to. She is allowed to have a favourite, and sometimes that favourite is the person you are closest to.

Your daughter then kindly offered generous sums of ‘her’ inheritance to everyone in the family.

Do you and your brother own your own homes? Why not pass your inheritance to your children, if you’re worried about them struggling to get on the ladder?

I don’t think she’s the greedy one, and I don’t think your aunt has ruined the family. Envy and your own greed will do that though.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/04/2024 14:01

Also I'm.very sorry for your daughters loss.
It must be really difficult losing someone she was so close to.

I doubt any of you are much comfort to her in her grieving.

TruthorDie · 01/04/2024 14:00

This reverse was spotted a few pages back!

If this is actually real 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I never got a £50k housing deposit and live in a more expensive part of the country than your family members. I coped. You all sound rather grabby lm afraid

toomanyy · 01/04/2024 13:59

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:56

Yes she was closer to my aunt but this was due to shared hobbies (tennis, they went to Wimbledon together and had travelled to the other grand slams) and my daughter being geographically closer rather than her putting more effort in.

It did start when she was a child as my son never wanted to go, so we would drop DD off for a couple of weeks in the summer and my aunt would take her to her tennis club.

How can you not see that your daughter did put more effort in?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 01/04/2024 13:58

Clingfilm · 01/04/2024 13:47

Yes the aunt has caused a problem but think the daughter could have given away a lot more, especially to her brother. I know I couldn't do that to my siblings.

Hasn't she thought how she would feel if it were her brother that bought the London flat and holidays and she got £50k?

She doesn't have to. Because that's not how it worked out.

Maybe if he's a really good brother he can enjoy some of her generosity. Maybe he could stay over and get some Time in her spare room! I'd love to have such a lovely relative in London!

geywen · 01/04/2024 13:58

OriginalUsername2 · 01/04/2024 13:57

Don’t you realise you are the greedy ones?!

Vultures. You’ve forgotten whose she is and just see her things.

you'd feel differently if you were on the receiving end of this

murasaki · 01/04/2024 13:58

So you'd rather she bought a one bed above a shop on the south circular and gave the money to the rest of you? Tough luck, I'm afraid.

There was no need to make her feel so bad that she felt the need to leave.

Scarletttulips · 01/04/2024 13:58

I’m not sure why you are resentful either:

I have millionaire cousins / uncles - literally travel the world and have homes in many countries.

Im not them, we were poor growing up, worked hard, saved hard.

I don’t resent them I quite like seeing them. They let the children swim in their pool when we visit etc.

Do not make your future about money.

Ne happy for her; she wanted a life in London, she can now afford that life.

Janedoe82 · 01/04/2024 13:58

Sounds like she was the daughter your aunt never had.

Unicorntearsofgin · 01/04/2024 13:57

Honestly if it were me I would have given a bit more. I think she could have afforded to offer 100k-200k to the other cousins and her brother for example.

However, she was not obligated to and she would have been within her rights to keep the lot so given that what’s done is done I’d be inclined to try and appreciate what she did share rather than focus on what she didn’t.

OriginalUsername2 · 01/04/2024 13:57

Don’t you realise you are the greedy ones?!

Vultures. You’ve forgotten whose she is and just see her things.

Original poster
Afana · 01/04/2024 13:56

Yes she was closer to my aunt but this was due to shared hobbies (tennis, they went to Wimbledon together and had travelled to the other grand slams) and my daughter being geographically closer rather than her putting more effort in.

It did start when she was a child as my son never wanted to go, so we would drop DD off for a couple of weeks in the summer and my aunt would take her to her tennis club.

OP posts:
MCOut · 01/04/2024 13:56

Being jealous is only human but it’s your job to manage that and as one of the “adults” you should be encouraging your other children to let go of their resentment. They were always going to have varying amounts of money. Your aunt was entitled to leave her money to whoever she wished.

Hankunamatata · 01/04/2024 13:56

I probably would have brought my brother a property and treated my parents more but her choice I guess.
I'd make sure she has a good financial advisor so she doesn't burn through it

geywen · 01/04/2024 13:55

Universalsnail · 01/04/2024 13:52

I don't understand why you are resentful but I absolutely understand why your son is.

In your case she is your child and so I would be happy for my child. I understand why your son is resentful of her though 50k is a lot of money but it is very little compared to the amount she got and it really isnt fair that his aunt left her everything and him nothing.

It's not your daughter's fault but your aunt was extremely thoughtless to do this. This kind of thing does ruin families. The resentment your son has will probably cause a long term riff between him and his sister.

this is it, exactly