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Original poster

My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

994 replies

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:25

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

OP posts:
Medschoolmum · 01/04/2024 16:29

Sweetheart7 · 01/04/2024 16:10

@Medschoolmum I don't think 50k is any comparison to 1.9 million. The aunt herself has been quite unkind. What about the aunts own parents? You seem to have assumed that the aunt wasn't closest to ANY other family member don't you think that's a tiny bit odd? Or do you only think its odd for the ungrateful members unlike the aunts parents that are so so grateful for 25k?? Why wouldn't you see your own parents right?.

I am not rich and me and my mother have not spoken for 4 years. I love my mother despite our fall out and I can only speak for myself. I wouldn't treat my mother like this if I had that type of money.....

The OP has confirmed that the aunt wasn't close to anyone else. Not that it matters, because none of them were entitled to anything anyway. The aunt made her choice, for whatever reason.

And yes, £1.9million is much more than £50k. So what? Inheritance is, by its very nature, unfair. As none of them had any right to any of it, they should each be grateful for whatever they received. The OP's daughter didn't have to give the others anything.

I don't really understand your comment about your own mother tbh. You say you wouldn't treat her "like that", which I presume means that you wouldn't cut her out of your will? And yet you haven't had any contact with her for four years? I guess we have quite different ideas about what really matters in family relationships. For me, it isn't money!

SlowlyLurking · 01/04/2024 16:28

The point is you're jealous and so is everyone else in the family. You believe she should have prioritised all of you with HER money. £50k each is generous. She didn't have to give any of you a penny but she split it both between cousins AND you and your son.

Sorry they're struggling to buy but they should have used the 50k as a deposit.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 01/04/2024 16:27

AreWeOutOfTheWoods · 01/04/2024 16:24

Yes, she chose not to be close to a set of people who are greedy, spiteful and unkind and felt entitled to her money.

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Sounds like Auntie was a wise old bird.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/04/2024 16:27

BarrelOfOtters · 01/04/2024 15:57

the aunt should, I think, have shared it more evenly. I’m planning to share evenly as a childless aunt with a bit of dosh….not quite as much as that.

yes your daughter could have shared it more….

but you’ll probably lose your daughter if you don’t find a way to deal with it.

I'm a childless aunt who won't leave anywhere near as much as the one in this story but - if it doesn't go on care - I'll be leaving a decent amount to ONE of my brothers and/or his two children.

This is because I'm very close to my younger brother, very close to my two nieces and not at all to my older one or any of his 3 children/their children.

"Fairness" doesn't come into it. I'll leave it to whomoever I damn well please and that happens to be the relatives I'm close to, who stay in close touch with me.

Bbbbbbbby · 01/04/2024 16:27

It's hard to imagine this is real but having seen other threads on Mumsnet about inheritances I can well believe it is. In our family everything has always been split equally and I'd be disappointed if one of my kids behaved like your daughter. I'd have expected anyone with any morals to split it equally 4 ways between the 'children'

Are you or your parents going to equal things up when you die? You son must be so upset about it.

My MIL prefers my 2 sons to my daughters and to all the other grandchildren. My sons are lovely to be fair but I find it extremely nasty of her. What's worse is she doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong.

NonPlayerCharacter · 01/04/2024 16:27

Afana · 01/04/2024 15:48

Some comments about greed were made and jokes about the money.

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Jokes, I bet they were. I'd have left too.

Your aunt was very foolish if she didn't foresee this, or somewhat spiteful if she did, but at the end of the day, it's clear that she made this choice very deliberately. There isn't really much to do about it, except for everyone to decide whether the money they didn't get is worth losing their relationships with your daughter.

Sunnydays0101 · 01/04/2024 16:27

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:24

@Ariadneefron

Like I said I'm not worried as I don't believe she's spent more than she should have.

Her aunt wrote her a letter too explaining that while she would be glad to see some used sensibly she also must use some for fun as we don't live long enough. DD has only done that! I doubt she's spent much more than £50k on fun.

So her Aunt wrote her a letter saying what she’d like her to do with her inheritance and encouraged her to use some for fun and in your first post you were moaning about her ‘endless holidays’.

CaliGurl · 01/04/2024 16:27

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:25

She works in finance ... I trust she knows what she's doing!!
Gosh I think people are missing the point!

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YOU are missing the point by deliberately avoiding posts pointing out how greedy you are.
IF you refuse to accept this there's little point to this thread. You should delete it before it gets picked up by journos.

Toooldforthis36 · 01/04/2024 16:27

Afana · 01/04/2024 15:48

Some comments about greed were made and jokes about the money.

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I feel sorry for your daughter, these “jokes” are nothing more than spite and jealousy. None of you were entitled to the cash.

mrsdineen2 · 01/04/2024 16:26

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:25

She works in finance ... I trust she knows what she's doing!!
Gosh I think people are missing the point!

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Enlighten us then.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 01/04/2024 16:25

If I were your daughter, I'd prioritise making a will. And leave my estate to charity.

Original poster
Afana · 01/04/2024 16:25

Chattywatty · 01/04/2024 16:17

I’m not sure I believe this thread. A 24 year old has inherited nearly £2m and has been given free reign with it whereby her own parents don’t know exactly what she spent on a house and who haven’t ensured she has the money properly invested for growth and income. I would worry less about what she hasn’t given you and more about the fact that nobody seems to be ensuring she is getting proper financial advice. An starting a job on £50k just because her aunt knows someone. Sorry don’t buy it

She works in finance ... I trust she knows what she's doing!!
Gosh I think people are missing the point!

OP posts:
Pickled21 · 01/04/2024 16:25

Tbh you are the problem. She's been generous already. The inheritance was left to her and an explanation of why, she didn't have to share it with you. You weren't entitled to the money simply by being related to your aunt, it was her money to do with it what she wished! You didn't mind dropping your dd off in the summer (giving you a break or one less kid to care for) and that was where the inequality between your children started. I have a cousin who was favouring my eldest dd, I put that to bed quickly as I have 3 kids and I wasn't happy with her behaviour. You could have done the same!

loropianalover · 01/04/2024 16:24

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:19

My aunt was 75 ... her parents died 20 years ago!!

She wasn't massively close to anyone else but it was her choice not to be!

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Why is this the only thing you can muster up? ‘It was her choice’ not to be close to anyone and it’s also her choice where her money went. It has literally nothing to do with you, I don’t know why you thought yourself so important and deserving of more.

MILTOBE · 01/04/2024 16:24

How is your aunt related to your parents? Was she your mum or dad's sister or was her brother their relation?

Uricon2 · 01/04/2024 16:24

I'm wondering, as inheriting daughter was named for her great aunt, whether she was also her godmother.

Immaterial really. The biological relationship was at the sort of remove where personal preference legitimately comes into play, as it never should with someones own children or arguably grandchildren. They shared interests and spent time together voluntarily over a long period and sound quite close.

Still boggled by the ingratitude TBH.

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/04/2024 16:24

Sunnydays0101 · 01/04/2024 16:22

There are graduate jobs in London starting at 50K and more. The 24 yo may be more financially savvy than her Mum. She has wisely invested in a home in London for herself, she has other investments also.

What I found slightly unbelievable is that a relatively recent graduate is able to reduce her 5 day working week to 4 days.

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Why? 4 days a week is now very common in a lot of companies, particularly in the tech industry. And she can obviously affort it as she is mortgage-free.

AreWeOutOfTheWoods · 01/04/2024 16:24

Afana · 01/04/2024 16:19

My aunt was 75 ... her parents died 20 years ago!!

She wasn't massively close to anyone else but it was her choice not to be!

Show quote history

Yes, she chose not to be close to a set of people who are greedy, spiteful and unkind and felt entitled to her money.

Original poster
Afana · 01/04/2024 16:24

@Ariadneefron

Like I said I'm not worried as I don't believe she's spent more than she should have.

Her aunt wrote her a letter too explaining that while she would be glad to see some used sensibly she also must use some for fun as we don't live long enough. DD has only done that! I doubt she's spent much more than £50k on fun.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 01/04/2024 16:24

gruberandassocs · 01/04/2024 16:14

I wouldn't dream of taking any of my dc inheritance. Did it cross your mind to tell her to keep it as per her Aunts wishes?

My thoughts exactly. In this country we tend to give money to our children, not the other way round.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 16:24

Longsight2019 · 01/04/2024 16:11

This is what happened:

Everyone in the family was aware that rich old Aunt Agnes was soon to pass and wondered if they might benefit from her almighty estate, no doubt grown from solid investment but also the gains in property never to be enjoyed by current generations again.

You all feared, to differing degrees, that you may not be included in the will, and that DD was by far the closest, so might therefore be the major beneficiary.

Your fears were confirmed when she inherited the lot, but that left a glimmer of hope that she may equalise the share amongst all, to bring it in line generationally so that each family member benefits fully. After all, she was “just an Aunt” right!?

She gave what was “just” a token (significant due to the size of estate but by no means a large share), and in doing so, and skipping generations of family above her including her own parents, she is now facing the inevitable implications of choosing to remain the very major beneficiary.

So what “should” she have done?

Firstly, she needed proper guidance by you and other trusted family members.

She was the favourite, and her Aunt’s wishes were granted and so she died knowing that your DD got what she wanted her to have, despite there being other family members who would obviously be affected by the uneven windfall. But you needed to guide her to make a more informed set of moves.

Personally, I would see the solution looking something like this:

Your parents get their £25k each assuming they’re in reasonable financial health. If more is required then a sensible sum agreed. They then get to see their family benefit hugely and have their financial security increased in the following way:

The rest, goes to two families equally - you and your brother. The value at this stage is still significant and life changing for all generations, so this comes with the understanding that monies are split equally now, not on your death with your own offspring, with a view to having a long term approach to family money for the benefit of future generations. i.e. some financial education on how to keep and grow wealth rather than spending it on too many depreciating niceties.

What she’s done is nothing other than selfish, greedy, and hugely harsh on the remaining family who could easily have been Aunt’s favourite. Why on earth would she not want to see the wealth shared within her own family (yours at least, if
not your Brother’s), and avoid the absolutely inevitable resentment that this has and will continue to cause.

I would feel the same as you and your brother in this tormenting situation.

It’s funny that this is being presented as a solution, rather than the actual fucking problem.

That others don’t like what the aunt chose to do with her money isn’t the DD’s problem to appease. If damage is done to relationships going forward, that is on them for prioritising what they believe to be their entitlement to said money. It is that bitterness and resentment that is the problem, not the DD keeping hold of money that is rightfully hers.

They have no entitlement to ‘fairness’ when it comes to money that never has been, isn’t, and won’t be, theirs.

Prawncow · 01/04/2024 16:23

She and her brother don’t get on and a mother that reacts like this towards her own daughter is no great loss.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/04/2024 16:23

How is £50k not a good deposit for a property ? Perhaps the people moaning need to consider whether or not they are being greedy. They got a free 50k from a person who they were not close to. I know it’s because they were male but if they don’t want 50k then there’s plenty of organisations and people who will take it off their hands.

Would it really have made you feel better if your dd had visited you in old clothes when you know that she can afford new? Does your dd have to spend the rest of her life facing jokes about greed when she didn’t decide what went in the will. I bet she wished she’d never given away 300k.

Sunnydays0101 · 01/04/2024 16:22

Chattywatty · 01/04/2024 16:17

I’m not sure I believe this thread. A 24 year old has inherited nearly £2m and has been given free reign with it whereby her own parents don’t know exactly what she spent on a house and who haven’t ensured she has the money properly invested for growth and income. I would worry less about what she hasn’t given you and more about the fact that nobody seems to be ensuring she is getting proper financial advice. An starting a job on £50k just because her aunt knows someone. Sorry don’t buy it

There are graduate jobs in London starting at 50K and more. The 24 yo may be more financially savvy than her Mum. She has wisely invested in a home in London for herself, she has other investments also.

What I found slightly unbelievable is that a relatively recent graduate is able to reduce her 5 day working week to 4 days.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/04/2024 16:22

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:25

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc.

My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling.

My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job!

Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax.

My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more.

My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite.

Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays.

Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy.

Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again

No.

You are the ones in danger off irreparably damaging your family.

She didn't;t have to give you a penny - but she was remarkably generous. She's given family members more than quarter of a million pounds all told, and would have given more, but your parents didn't want it.

Yes - she's been incredibly fortunate, but that was what your aunt wanted - for HER to enjoy the money. I don't blame her for a moment for buying herself a home and furnishing it the way she wanted, and reducing her working hours

I think that all of you should be a damn sight more grateful to your daughter and be appreciative for what she has so generously given you.

If YOU had been the sole beneficiary would you have shared it equally? Would your brother? Would any of the boys? I'll bet not! I'll bet you wouldn't even have given as much as she gave to you.

It's easy to say "I'd have given everyone the same" when you don't have the money. When you do, you'd very likely change your minds!

She's been incredibly kind and you can't see it. I feel very sorry for her.