Does my sister in law treat me like dirt?

If this has you st your limit you must really struggle with family dynamics. She's rude and thoughtless but she won't change. Langauge such as" Treating you like dirt I have had my fill of her and can't cut her out of my life " is really extreme catastrophe langauge. I really expected to come on this thread and read about a really evil sil. I think just calming down your langauge and thoughts might help.

I think you're perfectly entitled to be frustrated but as others have said,I don't think it's specifically aimed at you.
I'm the type of person who always likes to arrive early just in case but my husband and his entire family are the complete opposite - things really came to a head when we had invited MIL and FIL to Christmas lunch and they turned up 3 hours late without having called to explain or make an excuse! That's when I realised I couldn't cope with the drama it caused.

You know who she is, stop investing anymore of your time on her. At this point, all of your irritation and frustration is on you. You keep expecting different results when you know exactly what shes like.

Just tell her you won't believe anything she says anymore until you see it happen?

I would find this infuriating. Maybe say you prefer her to let you know if there is a change of plan, other than that im not sure what you can do. I know some people like this they never seem to think there is a plan in the first place. I guess it comes down to what she is like at her house. Would she be warm and welcoming if you dropped in without notice or at a different time to what you said? If so then it's just the way she is, she doesnt make set plans or communicate and she expects you to be the same. If she is angry and annoyed you changed the time then she is being very selfish with her time and takes you for granted.

Where’s your brother in all of this? Does she always visit alone or is he just as late as she is?

Stop bothering with her. She clearly isn't bothered about you.

@ShabbyChic999 not dirt, but next time she says she'll visit just say nah thanks, im all good

Did she disrupt your plans though when she said she would call round? If your leg is in cast would it not be likely you would be on the couch regardless if she visited or not?

She's not being awful or anything. She just prioritises her DC's routine - some parents need that, some DC need that. She also doesn't particularly prioritise you, but she probably has enough going on with her own family. Easier to work the relationship with the DC through the parents that are siblings rather than in-laws. I love my in-laws but I have zero interest in hanging out with them without DH.

And hope your recovery goes well!

YANBU.

Yeah. No need. Just don’t expect her/make time-sensitive plans involving her in future.

If feeling vengeful, hire a bagpiper to play under her child’s bedroom window during nap time?

This. She just prioritises her child’s routine, as some people do, and is bad at communicating she’s not coming/is late/whatever. Both times you describe her lateness, I’m assuming she would have had no idea that ‘looking out for her’ was so seriously inconveniencing you? Why didn’t you just go ahead with the ten year old’s party? I’d have called after half an hour to see if she was coming or not and then put it out of my head. And if you were stuck on the sofa after surgery, surely the possibility of her visiting wasn’t preventing other plans?

I appreciate unreliability is annoying, but as this is normal for her, surely the obvious response is to stop making time-sensitive plans with her, or you visit her? If she hasn’t shown up after x minutes, go about your day.

Op a lot of ppl telling you she's just thoughtless and not treating you like dirt which I do accept but I think she's crossed the line of just being thoughtless to treating you like dirt as you say, she may not mean it but the level of lateness and not turning up is awful and completely selfish to the point that I agree she treats you like dirt. You don't need to put up with it and you don't need to fall out. Don't make plans with her anymore. If she says she coming over to see you tell her you're not home. If she pulls you up on it tell her straight and dont be scared to speak up. Say what you got to say and carry on as if nothing has happened. Be more like the ppl who are driving you insane.. and don't give her a second thought.

Let her know you’re disappointed with her behaviour and lack of consideration. Tell her when something is important to you and how you expect her to behave. She may not like that, but at least she knows your boundaries.

If my SIL started talking like that to me, she'd never see me again. You can't change someone's behaviour, just how you react to it. So no waiting around, no special foods, no making accommodations. But don't tell her off!

I think rather than ‘putting up with it’, you need to lower your expectations and realise she isn’t going to respect you as much as you respect her.

People only treat you the way you let them. So don’t be so available or accommodating. Let her know you’re disappointed with her behaviour and lack of consideration. Tell her when something is important to you and how you expect her to behave. She may not like that, but at least she knows your boundaries.

Aside from the 3 hours late I don't think it sounds dramatic enough to be labelled as 'treating me like dirt'. That seems quite an over reaction.

Being late for a bday party by that length of time is pretty rubbish but you don't mention her husband (DH brother or your brother) at all. Why is she getting the flack??

I also have kids that are young enough to still nap and by god I protect it with everything I can. If my DS doesn't nap then everything goes to shit. He's a terrible sleeper so I do work things around him.

Also if her kids are young enough to nap then you can bet getting out the door quickly is impossible and time consuming

She sounds like her kids routine comes first. That's ok, some people (me included) are like this. She needs to work on her communication skills but otherwise she just sounds a bit flaky.

Also you describe that you'd waited in but also that we're camped out on the sofa with your leg in a cast so presumably she thought you weren't going anywhere anyway?

She is your sister in law. There is no need to have a direct relationship manage it though your brother or your DH brother.

Have no expectation on the SIL and you won't be disappointed.

She is just different to you. You're making it about you because you have a script about how family is supposed to be. Hers is different.

The world is much easier when you just accept people as they are, and work around them. She's flakey, don't really on her. Job done.

She is just selfish. She regards you with lower importance than her child’s naps. I don’t know if that’s ’treating you like dirt’ but I think you’d be happier if you just accept where you are on her priority list (pretty low) and act accordingly.

Hshe isn’t treating you like dirt.

her life revolves around her child’s routines. Some people do get like that. To be fair if the kids are young you can get obsessive about naps- if not napping means the child’s sleeping is messed up, they’re a nightmare until bedtime then won’t go to bed because they’re overtired, it is understandable. Especially if you’re sleep deprived yourself and all you crave is for them to settle so you can have some peace/tidy/sleep yourself.

however I’d maybe expect text updates to explain, even a quick sorry will be late, child still sleeping and will be a demon all day if we wake him.

i sometimes used to ask if I could turn up very early, feed child and put them to nap in a spare room there. But then sometimes a child will
only sleep in it’s own cot.

i’d cut her some slack while the children are stil preschoolers.

She sounds thoughtless and self absorbed. Was she like this before having children?
I wonder because some people think having young kids is an excuse to be consistently late and unreliable.

She just sounds generally unreliable. I know lots of people like that and just know not to count on them. I wouldn't take up personally. Just factor into future plans that she'll likely be flakey.