Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

Sometimes I read a post ,and I think ,what is wrong with us women ,that we get ourselves in such situations.
Situations that bring us little to no joy and a huge amount of stress and worry .
Then I think ,would a man do the same ,put himself in the same situation,be as selfless as this woman
Fuck no , of course they wouldn't
But they are happy to use us while we make their lives easier and our lives harder .

So you can’t see friends etc because of his “low immunity”

but…he can go to the theatre and cinema… are you hiring the whole place?

He smokes, drinks and is a hoarder, controls who you see, controls your alone time and you wish you could have more separate time.

In a normal and healthy relationship you would want to be with him and he would want to keep you safe and feel loved, he’s not doing this.

Personally, I would run for the hills!

No, no it's not. It's unnatural, unreasonable and entirely OTT. If you think this is normal, then you have been, and are being controlled.

It's not your responsibility to make sure he is ok, alive, and not on his own when feeling like shit. I have some experience here from living with a depressed partner. Soul destroying. In the end, I just wasn't willing to sacrifice my life for him.

What happens if you need to make a phone call during the day? Do you have to cut him off and then call him straight back?

I am sorry but I am with the others who say he is manipulating you for reasons of his own. I think you should push back against some of his more unreasonable requests (the phone, the late finish) and see how he takes it.

Thing is, you actually have a lot more power in this relationship than you think. He is bullying you, but you can walk away from him any time you like, and he will have lost his free carer and shag. I suspect he is hardly in a position to go out and get another woman at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, there are so many red flags: he lashes out at you, he's controlling your behaviour, he's overly critical of your work, friends, and family, he's isolating you. He lives in filth and has somehow made you responsible for his most basic functioning.
This doesn't sound like a 2 way relationship. Has it always been like this?
It's sad that he has serious medical issues, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Have you tried to talk to him or compromise about all this op? Would he be responsive?

Haven’t read everyone’s responses, but I did see someone mention a care alarm.

Instead of being available by phone 16 hours a day, you need to insist that he gets one. You can help him research the options, but he has to get one, because your current 16 hours a day setup isn’t sustainable.

Insist on it, don’t take no for an answer. 💐

What’s actually wrong with him?

"It feels heartless to put myself first at all with all that he is suffering."

And there's your problem, right there. You somehow feel that you must sacrifice anything you have, anything you are, for - what? Who taught you this behaviour? Who told you that your needs come after everyone else's wants? They were WRONG!

You are sacrificing yourself for a selfish self-destructive wanker of a man. Stop it. Turn your attention to your son, your job, your friends and family, and most of all to your self-esteem.

He drinks and smokes inside the house in front of you, won’t get medical attention when he needs it but YOU can’t see friends/family because somehow this impacts his health, and you have to keep your phone line blocked for 14 hours a day so that he doesn’t fall asleep and he listens in to everything you do.

Oh, and his redeeming qualities are that he can sometimes (pretend to) be caring and he is funny.

Dear God.

You’re not his partner, you’re his carer. Surely you want more from your life than this? Walk away.

Absolutely this .

It is sad he is unwell but he's not helping himself , how is he going to deteriorate with this condition, will things get even worse for you .

You have made yours and your sons life very small for this man. Why have you turned your back on friends and family for someone you have dated for 5 years?!
If he has money then at the very least he can pay 20 quid a month for a care pendant. Then you don't need to be on the phone with him from 8am to midnight. There, that's one problem sorted.
I've got to say, I'm 40 years old, work in healthcare and have done since I was 18, have cared for and supported a fair few people through a fair few illnesses. I have never met anyone who needed... this kind of care. How do you know if he becomes sleepy if he's on the phone and you can't see him?
You have a DS who is struggling. This fucked up dynamic will not be helping him. Watching his mother dedicate her entire life to a nobheads wellbeing.

You have one life OP. Every day you spend like this is one less day on earth which you will never get back.

He doesn't sound nice. You are not his carer. He has engineered it so that you have no more friends and no longer enjoy your work. The whole setup honestly sounds horrible.

Your life sounds absolutely and utterly miserable. Your son is 19. This should be a time where you get some of your life back, do some fun things, take care of your health, progress in your career.

He's too proud and independent to follow medical advice or pay for the care he needs. But not too proud or independent to bully you and expect you to cater to his every whim? Yes, his illness and life sound shit but is your involvement actually making this any better? Or are you simply enabling him to not make better arrangements?

The one thing that’s baffling me is why you need to be on the phone all day every day. Has this been advised/required/approved by hospital/medical professionals? It just seems like a convenient way for a controlling man to, well, control?! And he shouldn’t be moaning about your work at all. It’s none of his bloody business and he wouldn’t even know about it if you weren’t on the phone to him all the time. This is so beyond too much. If his illness is so bad, he needs carers to check on him during the day. Have you had to call an ambulance or similar if he has had a seizure or is it “just in case”?

This - I am wracking my brains trying to think of something/ anything that fits this condition.

OP read back what you have said - is it any wonder your Mum has fallen out with him? He is controlling your whole life!! How can your son live in a house where he has no privacy- he is more important than any man why are you prioritising and protecting a controlling and manipulative man who has you at his back and call, and not your son!! You said you had good times but also said you lived together during covid and it didn’t work - it didn’t work for a reason.

If he is that ill - he needs to get more care - speak to his Dr/ medical team tell them you can no longer help and walk away. I am sorry but your son needs you and you need to rebuild a happy, healthy life!

If you want to stay with him you need to make a few changes. The open phone needs to go. He can text if he needs you. You deserve some privacy.

Re-draw your boundaries to what YOU find acceptable, sometimes menopause can make you feel invisible so its important to stick up for yourself! Close that open phone line, re contact yr froends etc.
If it means increased risk to him, so be it, sadly.

Op. I wonder what has happened to you in your past 52 years that has resulted in this person who values herself so so low, and puts someone else's needs way way above her own.

And yes why have you given up a people facing role in order to protect his immune system when he happily goes out to crowded places?

Did he suggest / ask you to change your work role "for the good of his health?"

You say you can't do the work you love because low immunity but then the cinema? It makes no sense.

He sounds awful op. This is no life for you.

Sounds like he is using his illness to control and abuse you @cakedup

There are so many red flags in your posts, you could make bunting.

Are you sure he's actually being 100% honest about his condition/s? What is actually wrong with him?

Was any of his controlling behaviour happening before he got ill?

Isolating you from friends and family (and now he's started on your work colleagues too) is a classic sign of abuse. He'll try to isolate you from your DS in the end as well.

Good news is you don't live with him and aren't married so relatively easy to practically extricate yourself. I suspect he's mentioned assisted suicide as part of his 'campaign' of control. If you ever do decide to leave, that's how he'll try to get you back.

I've read nothing redeeming in any of your posts to be honest.

You need to make a stand and get rid of this man.