Falling out with MIL over racist comment

I don’t want to read disgusting racist comments to satisfy other people’s curiosity. OP said it was racist and made her uncomfortable and family called her dramatic instead of taking responsibility. You do not need to know

Surely if the OP feels someone has said something racist to her that’s up to her, not us to decide if it WAS actually racist?
OP, if you feel unhappy around people because they are either ignorantly, or purposefully being racist then that’s ok. What does your DP think? I do hope he’s supporting you in this.
Do you think that this is something that you could get over in time? Because being married to someone whose family is unsupportive of you will be very hard.

Why do so many people want to know what she said?

Just like women know sexism when they experience it the OP knows racism when she experiences it.

You are under no obligation to put yourself in a position where you are abused and as a parent you know you need to create a safe family space for your children, being with your MIL isn't safe for your children.

Noone can judge if you are being too sensitive without explaining the comment and context

I am a foreigner not native to my country i have comments directed towards me almost daily. Most are said with affection and good intent. Sometimes i hear one thats negative.

Only context and explanation can help us decide here or...have you decided that you dont like his family and this is a convenient opt out

Completely understand why you’re not sharing the comments. It will only result in the racist apologists - already out in force - minimising, excusing and claiming ‘you can’t say anything any more’.

It’s not even just the racist comments but the double-down refusing to listen, learn and apologise. Have as little contact as you feel necessary.

I don't think anyone can judge if you're being too sensitive if we don't know what she said.

😱

YANBU. I'm white but sacked off my stepsister over a racist comment she made about my Chinese boyfriend.

He's long gone, and she and I have been no contact for 20 years. I have no regrets.

God all the posters rubbing their hands together in glee as they’re so excited about reading a racist comment, I bet they’d get alone with MIL.

It’s impossible to be racist in a nice way, I always find it odd that so many racists live in a little fantasy land where denying they are racist will somehow be believed. You have a duty as a parent to protect your children from awful hateful people, they’re better off without their racist grandparent who hates them due to their ethnicity.

YANBU
You children don’t need to be around that shit.

My dp’s are old, 88 and 93. They raised us to be inclusive and refused to join the residents association in the 60’s because it had a no black policy.
Tell your dh age is no excuse.

YANBU. You don’t have to have contact with people who are racist just because they’re family. They will know what they’re doing and haven’t cared enough about you to stop and even pretend in front of you. You’re not being too sensitive or dramatic, that’s just their way of minimising what they’ve said and deflecting.

I wouldn’t elaborate here on the comments. That will just encourage the racist apologists to talk shit and minimise.

Out of sheer nosiness I get why people want to know what was said by the OP’s MIL. But actually that isn’t needed to make a judgement here, the MIL was clearly unreasonable. She was racist (not for the first time) and when OP made it clear she didn’t like it, was uncomfortable, the MIL doubled down and insists she’s being over sensitive instead of apologising.

YANBU at all OP.

I’m in a similar situation. I used to think I had become sensitive about racism with age but realised it’s not me- it’s the difficulty of having a mixed race family if one side is kind of racist.

When I was younger we lived as the only black family in a white area, experienced horrific racism and would come home and laugh as a family about our racist experiences that day. We were all black so we all were in the same position.

i realised that why I’m sensitive now about the racism from my in laws is that my kids and I don’t have that safe place to separate ourselves from casual racism from people outside the home and family, because the racism takes place within what should be our circle of trust. It makes me very angry and upset not to be able to experience racism, laugh about it and make sure I never see that racist again. I’m on edge every time they visit or we go round. I’m conscious as the kids get older they are picking up on the nuances of what’s being said.

I’ve had many an emotional conversation with my husband about it who says the right words but continues to inflict his family on me and the kids because apparently they are old and don’t mean it.

Sorry that’s not any advice - just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and how hurtful it can be.

Need to know exactly what was said and in what context to be able to give an opinion.

YABU for completely refusing to actually quote what was actually said. No real judgement can be made without that.

I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

You say this as if you have no choice. You're not forced to put up with anything if you don't want that.

YANBU especially if you’re concerned it’s going to impact your children. It’s a bit different because it wasn’t his mother but DP has an aunt and a family friend that I will not tolerate. I just explained that when it comes to racism, I’m not at all concerned with anybody else’s perspective. I am concerned with mine and nobody is going to compel me to expose myself or my loved ones to a hurtful person.

@lewiyy MIL says she didn't mean it in a mean way. What do you think the intention was? Without repeating the comment, did it come with malicious intent on her part or was it a case of her using words that have negative connotations but that she didn't necessarily understand?

Words have power, but not everyone using the words always understands the power they wield.

It's not our job to educate random people about racism, but you're thinking of marrying into this family. I'd give it a go before giving up. Mainly because in your shoes, if I gave up on the family, I'd probably end up giving up on DP.

You haven't mentioned how your partner reacted.

He should be protective of you, and protective of your children (either they're his, or he's looking to step up and becoming a stepfather).

Was he?

MIL is almost a red herring here. Does your partner see the situation the same way you do, and is he siding with you?

If he's not siding with you, either he's not marriage material, or you did overreact.

If he is siding with you, you're not wrong to step away from his mother. It takes a lot to get a child to call their parent out.

I'm not deciding what is racist. If a comment is racist, it's racist. But just like any other area of 'ism' there are different levels. What's been said might be out of ignorance or quite spiteful. I'm not about to tell anyone to go non contact without knowing that the other party deserves it.

And yes, their refusal to accept that what they said is racist is a problem. I'm not defending that. But it may indicate that it's closer to ignorance than malice.

I'm not trying to brush aside how hurtful it is for you @lewiyy . But you probably need to decide whether it's the type of racism that deserves nc, or your own feelings. I'm just unable to advise you without knowing whether these people are shamelessly awful or somewhat ignorant.

Can someone please explain why they feel it matters what was said?

It’s not the actual comment that matters. It’s the fact that OP said it bothered her and now MIL and family are calling her too sensitive.

Or maybe MNers are better placed than the OP to decide on what’s racist

Pointless post without knowing what has been said.

It's hard to say really because we don't understand the intent or what she said or how she meant it. Some, especially older people can have very entrenched views rooted in racism that they have never had challenged.

It's best to keep some on some kind of nice terms with your DH to be's family for the sake of the children and for your relationship with DH. I am low contact with my inlaws. I am very busy, often work weekends so I may only see them once a year but I send gifts, birthday messages and well wishes from afar. My DH visits with the DC. It keeps the peace and everyone is happy. They are just annoying and inappropriate not abusive. Obviously it wouldn't be an option if she was very abusive towards you.

Why does it matter what she said? The comments were bad enough to put the OP on edge. OP explained the comments made her feel that way. Rather than apologising, MIL is accusing OP of being sensitive.

YANBU OP.

Speak for yourself. Please don’t behave like mumsnet staff deciding what others need, it is not ok. I also feel I wish to know what was said. I don’t need your permission or authorisation.