Falling out with MIL over racist comment

As the majority have explained, it is utterly impossible to give any specific advice or make any sensible comments without knowing exactly what she said.

As others have already pointed out however, if you don't feel you are being listened to that is an issue in itself.

And it is true that no matter what, no adult ever has to spend time around adult relatives they don't like or feel comfortable with for any reason.

OP, ignore the ridiculous debate about what was said. Because if you say what it is, insuspect loads of people will start agreeing with your MIL that you are too sensitive. Because on MN often racism is dismissed because "she didn't mean it" or "that's not racist".

At the end of the day, it was offensive and instead of listening to you, she's doh led down. In normal, respectful relationships, even if you don't mean to upset someone if you know that saying or doing something DOES upset the person, you stop doing it. It's not rocket science.

YANBU, and ignore posters gasping to know what was said, it's irrelevant, and posting what there were will no doubt just have some coming on to tell you why it wasn't racist, and excuse it blah blah etc
They felt racist to you and were bad enough to put you on edge, YANBU in not wanting to be around anyone much who does that to you.
"You're Too sensitive" when they're called out, says it all really 🙄💐💐

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Without knowing what was actually said it's difficult to comment. Sadly, we live in an age where lots of things are considered racist etc.

no one is saying it is right i believe

If the family have said racist comments then they need to listen and apologise. Even if it was said without huge racist intent, it’s wrong and they need to learn.

I would not tolerate being dismissed.

And you don’t have to state the comments here. This is MN and you will get the idiotic racists on here telling you exactly why the comments are not racist and you are over-reacting and poor mil will die soon and you need to forgive her etc.

We can all agree that the photography company in Scotland who wanted to erase the schoolchildren with additional needs was wrong and totally abhorrent. However when it comes to racist behaviour and actions, people seem very reluctant to say that the perpetrators are completely wrong and out of order. I do wonder why this is.

@LateAF It’s absolutely no excuse that someone is old and ‘doesn’t mean it’. My Father in Law is a racist old git and we pick him up on it every single time. Your husband needs to do the same, not just for you and the kids but because racism is unacceptable in any circumstances.

Feel for you, it’s so unpleasant and ignorant.

MiL's age is completely irrelevant. The only thing relevant is whether she apologised after being told it made the OP uncomfortable. If she did then it came from ignorance if not then it was intended to hurt.

Context is key here, what was said and how old is the MIL.
Anyone who says we dont need to know this to give an informed opinion is ignorant.

Did your DH hear it? What did he do?

@saraclara there are definitely different degrees of severity but OP is going to be better placed than most of the people on here, to determine where on the scales this falls and what the appropriate response is.

For a lot of people on here anything short of physical violence is not racism. They will come from it from an intention rather than impact point of view and because they won’t face racism but might be called racist they may feel that OP calling out racism is the more grievous behaviour.

The only opinions that really matter are hers and her DP’s. While he doesn’t have to go NC with his family, he should be supportive of whatever rules, OP lays down about herself and their children and really, he should be the one to go and deal with it. If he’s not doing those things, then he’s not the partner for her.

racist comments are not ok, ever.

Is this the first time you have spoken up after a comment? Giving mil the benefit of doubt (as in, she is a nice but dim person) maybe as you have never said anything she just didn’t know that it is offensive? In that case I would not fall out with her (yet) provided she is willing to listen and to understand.
you know your mil - if you know she said those things on purpose and meant them - well, that is s different matter.
what did your DP say to his family on such occasions?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She might not have meant to be racist but that doesn’t change that she was. She should apologise and learn from it.

'Mick' was/is a derogatory term used for Irish immigrants.

There aren't different levels of racism.

There is just racism.

they’re better off without their racist grandparent who hates them due to their ethnicity.

Who says she hates them for their ethnicity? Or hates them at all?

That's why I said that without knowing what was said, it's hard to advise how radically OP should respond. Here's a poster who's invented her own scenario in the vacuum that's been created, rather than giving rational send helpful advice.

I'm not denying racism. If OP says that the things that have been said are racist, then they are. And I'm not being nosy.
But there are different levels of responses and actions that OP can take, and which one she chooses depends on what kind of things the family are saying, and the tone and intent behind it.

What @alrightjackie and @LateAF said.

Doesn't matter what was said. You've tried to talk to her already and explain why she's wrong but she's standing by it and making excuses and victim blaming. Nope I wouldn't tolerate this either. I'm afraid if your dp isn't backing you properly either that may need s rethink. You can't live like this.

There are no excuses. The family continuing their behaviour despite being challenged shows a huge lack of respect for you, your race, your identity and your children.
There can be no 'levels', 'context ', etc used to excuse their behaviour.

How does your partner respond? He has to challenge his family and support you.

Yet again there are some attempts to minimise racism here and that's always depressing and sad.

How is taking the mickey offensive?

I think what was said is very relevant.

I was once accused of racism for saying someone was 'taking the mickey'.

Firstly I was completely unaware that phrase could be offensive, secondly there was no malice intended.

Have you talked to her, explained why it is racist and why it is hurtful? You are planning to marry into this family so you have a find a way to deal with it that both you & your partner are happy with.

Ideally she will stop but may not. How will you cope when your children want to see their gran?

no, you have pulled them up
no need to stop contact .