Falling out with MIL over racist comment

Language changes over time and there may have been a generational miscommunication rather than an intent to insult the OP. I’m not defending the MIL or attempting to minimise the impact on the OP, but it would help get a better idea of what went on.

"It is not irrelevant. Someone on their 90's will have been brought up in a totally different way to someone in their 50's regarding racism."
Possibly. But people in their 90s have been exposed to new knowledge and social change. No reason at all to maintain outdated attitudes or to be forgiven for doing so.

This!

YANBU and it doesn’t matter if anyone here judges it to be racist or not. The normal reaction from people when they realise that they’ve made another person uncomfortable, especially when it’s unintentional, is to apologise. The fact that she then doubled down and tried to make you the problem tells you everything you need to know.
I hope your DP is supporting you in this.

Not necessarily true but this thread is about racism. I won't derail it to include your ageism except to say I'm in my late 60s, my parents would be 99 now and brought me up not to be racist. Anyone that age who was brought up to be racist has had plenty of time to see that times have changed. If she said something racist it's still racist however old she is.

Yanbu. Honestly it’s like being back in the 60s and 70s when people got away with the most horrendous racist comments by saying “I didn’t mean any harm” or “it’s just a joke”. Some of them probably didn’t mean harm at all, but they weren’t willing to admit they were doing harm by saying insensitive things they have been asked not to say. That excuse doesn’t wash any more.

Why oh why do people post threads about their in laws without mentioning their DP's behaviour? Without him there's no connection to these people. So what's his take? Is he backing you up? You don't have to see anyone you don't want to, the question is how he feels about it.

thank you for this! i’m extremely uncomfortable with how many people believe that they need to hear the comment before they can judge whether the OP is being unreasonable or not.

Someone from a marginalised community who has experienced racism should not have to re perform the racism in order to be validated or believed and even if this wasn't the explicit intention of those asking, this is the effect/implication of doing so. At best its not nice for them to have to recount and at worst they have to sit through a load of people telling them that their experience wasn’t actually their experience.

YABU to not include what your DH thinks/has done about it

YABY to post on AIBU without the comment.

Chat or Relationships boards are that way >>>>

Her age is only remotely relevant if she's over about 120.....

You're right. Thank you.

I'm projecting a bit because my wonderful late MIL (who with my FIL took a Ghanaian women and her child, who they barely knew, into their home for six months when she fled DV) would, in old age, occasionally come out with comments that were not meant negatively in any way, but which have dated badly and would be seen as racist. And when we gently said that she shouldn't really say that now, she was bewildered. It's hard for me to consider her racist, of course.

But yes, this family are not my MIL and FIL.

Q: are all old people racist?
A: No
Q: are all racists old people?
A: No
Reasonable conclusion: it's because they're racist, not because they're old.

Hi OP,

I personally don't feel a need to know what she said. For me the key point is the reaction she had. To be clear, racism is obviously not ok. If she said something out of ignorance and upon having it pointed out had said "I'm so sorry, I realise it has been hurtful and inappropriate, I feel terrible about it and promise going forward to consciously not behave like that again"... Then I'd say consider whether to forgive and forget. But it doesn't sound like she's taken any accountability and has instead located the problem in you. From that stance I can totally see why you wouldn't want to look past this.

I'm currently in a similar situation in that I've had a big falling out with my SiL. Whilst her viewpoints aren't racist, the similarity would be the comments she's made to me would be widely viewed as socially unacceptable (victim-blaming in this case), and like you I've been labelled as the "fragile and oversensitive" one for not wanting a close relationship going forward. It's really hard when you feel like you've shaken up a family dynamic (our in-law boat has definitely been rocked too), but I think it's important to live true to your values and that includes within your extended family. It's ok to let her know that her views were deeply offensive to you.

This is why OP shouldn't give exact context.

Yeah the sad bit about this post is that people can't say racist shit anymore without people calling it racist

OP has said that it is not the first racist comment that has been made about her.

They way some are trying to use age as an excuse is pathetic honestly , age means one should be old enough to know better.

You absolutely can be racist and not mean it. My Nan in her seventies was quite capable of saying the right things. When she got to her nineties she reverted back to incorrect terminology from her youth. She still loved everyone in our multi racial family that never changed.

My dad would have been 100 this year and was not racist. MIL 96, not racist.

Age is no excuse.

Someone in their 90s will have been brought up with the basic good manners to apologise if they inadvertently say something offensive to a close family member.

Some posters are allowing culture wars rhetoric ("you can't say anything these days!") to overshadow the principles of basic human decency.

The biggest missing piece of information for me is how your partner reacted OP. Supportive of you or making excuses for them?

And someone in their 90s will also be able to listen, hear that they hurt someone, and apologise for that.

This woman didn't, she dismissed op.

So, final comment for me here, it really is very important that you give the exact comment if you want a real answer, and the fact that you haven't could mean many things - it could mean it was too upsetting for you to want to say, or it could mean it was a nothing burger and you know that - or something else entirely.

But, obviously, nobody sensible and rational would ever dream of saying "Just agree with anything a person says if they make the claim someone is being racist" - and fortunately most sensible adults do use their own judgement.

And, of course, if the comment wasn't racist then she would have had a complete right to argue that she wasn't being racist. Claiming otherwise is nonsense, since yes, sometimes people are in fact accused of racism who have not said or done anything racist.

If we just agreed that every claim of "racism" "misogyny" or "insert phobia" was exactly that no matter what was actually said or done then the word "racist" would be completely meaningless and dismissed by everyone.

Logic and rational thoughts aren't racist, of course, and adults going around screaming slurs at other people are saying an awful lot about themselves and nothing at all about the person they are making judgements about (that's not for the OP of course but the fauxfended brigade).

Regardless, you have a right not to spend time with adults you don't feel comfortable with and everyone should ensure they put boundaries in place they are comfortable with in their adult lives.

I think what was said is very relevant
I was once accused of racism for saying someone was 'taking the mickey'

Did you double down though and go on about how they're "too sensitive" etc or apologise and learn from what they said?
I think that's the difference, it's easy to say things if you genuinely didn't know, but it's what you do with that knowledge once you do know that matters.

It is not irrelevant. Someone on their 90's will have been brought up in a totally different way to someone in their 50's regarding racism.
Im not saying it is right. But it needs to be considered.

She shouldn't have access to your children if she is going to say insulting things about their heritage. YANBU

The comment doesn't actually matter at all.

The fact that op found it racist, explained that, and has been dismissed as sensitive is the thing that matters.

If I said something that pissed my DIL off, even if I thought she was being sensitive, I would apologise, and make sure to never say it again.

The reaction matters more than the action here imo.