Falling out with MIL over racist comment

But when someone explained did you say oh crikey I’m sorry I didn’t realise or did you make some comment about the worlds gone mad can’t say anything etc etc? That’s the bit that matters. I didn’t know it was by the way, will google but am guessing anti Irish perhaps?

I try to go by this ...

It doesn't matter what the comment was. It made the OP uncomfortable and it wasn't the first time. She then explained this to MIL and this resulted in no change to behaviour or apology. If I said something out of ignorance or that was offensive to someone, I would just apologise and seek to learn from that experience. The fact that the MIL isn't doing that speaks volumes. I'm also uncomfortable that so many want to know the comment, presumably so you can say "well it's not that bad", as if that even matters when experiencing racism isn't your daily lived experience.

@Jadebanditchillipepper , I’m trying to use that for illustrative purpose and the MIL’s command of the language she’s speaking might be an issue. No one can judge because the OP isn’t disclosing what was said and an army of commenters are saying that so long as the OP says the comment was racist it obviously was. That makes no sense to me.

Bingo! Some people seem to forget or rather ignore that racism is trauma. Not everyone wants to recount specific details of a traumatic event in a forum like this where there’s all sorts of people who could end up derailing by gaslighting about whether it’s racist or not.

Lovepeaceunderstanding is being ridiculous. Nobody would say*The sponge cake is too brown " unless they were being racist. They would say"The sponge cake is overcooked/burnt"

@HospitalDayOut , it’s very difficult to tell because thus far the OP has not disclosed what her MIL said. Could you clarify please that ANY comment that the MIL made has to be racist because the OP says so and ANYONE who would have the temerity to disagree is an idiotic racist?
What if MIL said “This sponge cake is far too brown for my liking”? Would the OP be quite correct and not in the least over sensitive for being so deeply offended by that comment that she would seek to cut off all contact for herself, her partner and children from her partner’s family?
Would I be an idiotic racist for offering the view that very probably the OP had rather overreacted and indeed appears over sensitive in this respect?

So the OP hasn’t replied…strange to start a post and not elaborated !

It doesn't matter if she meant to offend or not - if she didn't mean to offend, then she would have apologized when called out. She did not and insisted that the op was oversensitive. Therefore, it's fairly obvious that she did mean to offend

No. The op is the person who was on the end of the racist comment. A lot of white people have absolutely no idea that something they have said is racist or could be construed as racist.

But they are not the person from the ethnic minority who is exposed to "low level" racism day in, day out. They are the people who say "of course it's not racist". I'm sorry, but if you are not the person to who racist comments are made, then you are not qualified to comment.

If someone accused me of racism, I would apologize unreservedly and make sure I never made such a comment again.

This thread is just illustration of how racist our society is

I do think what she actually said and the context is important. Did she intend to deliberately offend? Was it one of those lazy, sweeping generalisations people sometimes make without considering the potential offence the may cause? what happened afterwards re apology or discussion?

If you and partner are planning to marry going no contact could put strain on your marriage. Have an honest discussion with your partner about how you feel then decide your next steps.

Course it can! Why should the OP put what was said, just so people can minimise, tell her yes she is being sensitive etc?!
She doesn't owe us anything.

@toastandtwo , why should the OP be better placed than Mumsnet contributors to decide what is racist?
This question can’t be answered unless what was said is known.

The MILs reaction says it all - she went on the defensive and said that OP was being oversensitive - the Only reasonable response to being told you have been racist is to apologise

Exactly, her response speaks volumes.

@Jadebanditchillipepper ' The exact comment doesn't matter a jot. If the OP felt it was racist, then it was racist - The only person qualified to decide if a comment is racist or not is the person that the comment was directed at.'

But surely that risks one party having no idea why the other party has taken offence, and the potential for a misunderstanding to develop that is completely unnecessary and could be life-long.

Racism should always be called out, but by communicating clearly what is offensive and why. There are some terms (and offenders) that are blatantly so, but others are not. And it's horrible when people avoid talking to each other for fear of giving unintended offence.

Families need to communicate robustly.

The exact comment doesn't matter a jot. If the OP felt it was racist, then it was racist - The only person qualified to decide if a comment is racist or not is the person that the comment was directed at.

The MILs reaction says it all - she went on the defensive and said that OP was being oversensitive - the Only reasonable response to being told you have been racist is to apologise

YANBU I'm sorry to hear it, I'd expect your other half to be doing a lot of this for/with you too. I'm mixed race and you have to go back 100 years for the last racist family member anyone put up with and even then they apologised and sorted themselves out (according to my grandma) age and all the rest of it is no excuse. It's not normal to hear racist language in your family, even if you have hundreds of family members and it annoys me when people normalise it. Racism is so damaging and people should take more responsibility.

I don’t think the attitude that “if someone perceives a comment as racist, it objectively is” actually stands up. Mumsnet is full of people telling Jews that stuff they think is anti-Semitic actually isn’t. Likewise, what is a microagression to one person may be unnoticeable to another.

Regardless, I think you’re in a tricky spot OP. It’s a big deal to completely cut out your DPs family, especially if they’re close. My course of action would depend on whether they were good people with some bad in them (like all of us) and whether the huge disadvantages of cutting them off were worth it. Real life is never black and white.

For what it’s worth I have experienced similar and took the view that I basically liked my DPs family, and accepted that they had some bad ideas that I could mostly ignore. For me what is most important is not what people say but what they do.

I don't think what was said is important or not... who are we to judge what's racist or not? if OP is non white and offended by this comment then YANBU even if some mums-netters don't think it's a big deal. Them making you feel like you're being dramatic and over sensitive is another massive red flag as it means they're not willing to acknowledge or learn from their past mistakes in behaviour despite the hurt & trauma that can cause you.

I'm mixed race. My mom was white. I had to pull her up for pseudo racist comments once or twice. When I called her out she was perplexed . I think people do say things that would not hsve been seen as racist 20yrs aho(even though they were,) but are now. Did ur fiance not say anything?

the key really important bit here is does your partner support you or are they saying you're taking it the wrong way??

If DP is onside then you're in a very different position than if they are taking MIL side...

that'd be what makes my decision what to do.

"Taking the mickey" has a potentially xenophobic anti Irish meaning. Not racist. The meaning is unsure- it could also be a joky way of saying "taking the piss"-piss=micturition.

I always assumed that calling this out a racism was an urban legend, however.

Me neither. I have heard many examples in recent years and have often been surprised. This is a phrase I use a lot! I'm not sure who it is deemed racist against? If OP is marrying this man she needs to get on with MIL so explain why it was offensive and move on. Falling out with someone over something that was a miscommunication seems very short sighted.

I had no idea until now that phrase had racist origins.

I'd say if it was an ignorant, throwaway comment, and they acknowledged it was not acceptable then you should try and move on. But the fact they seem like they don't know or realise why you'd be offended makes it worse.
Do you think they have some racist views but their minds and opinions could be changed? If they are horribly racist and likely to stay that way then I wouldn't want to speak to them any more than strictly necessary, if at all.