Falling out with MIL over racist comment

And no, before everyone jumps on me, I'm notsaying that because I'm an apologist at all, but the word racism is bandied about an awful lot, people take exception to and are up in arms about everything these days

Political correctness gawn mad!! Can't say anything these days, sensitive woke snowflakes!!
🙄

Edited to add <disclaimer>
Sarcasm alert, not my actual opinion lol

@Lovepeaceunderstanding Agreed! I'm with you there!
How the hell anyone can form an opinion or give decent advice without the original context is absolutely absurd!
And the mere fact that she hasn't been back to update the thread, tells me that she has thought about it and was probably being oversensitive!

And no, before everyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that because I'm an apologist at all, but the word racism is bandied about an awful lot, people take exception to and are up in arms about everything these days, without knowing any of the details!

I’m not complicit in racism or wanting to downplay it or justify it in any way. I only want to know what was said in case there was a genuine misunderstanding.

For example, black people are black. In my grandmother’s day the respectful term was c***ed. That terminology is considered offensive now. Black was considered rude back then.

I’m hoping the incident was crossed wires like that would have been. If it wasn’t then the DP/DS needs to do better at educating his mother about her conscious or unconscious biases.

Intent does not matter. Imagine a person holding a kettle accidentally burnt their family member. Is the injured party obligated to prioritise the feelings of the person holding the kettle?

Imagine that the same family member burns the injured party repeatedly. Imagine also that other people do the same thing and each time it is an accident. Why is it acceptable for the onus to be on the injured party to accept their carelessness? Now imagine the people holding the kettle had a tendency to not show basic empathy, expect this person to grow thicker skin so it would no longer hurt and they could be careless with impunity, then get upset that the topic has been discussed. If it was you would you tolerate that?

The MIL has exposure to OP and her family. I bet anything if she had made it clear that she was putting effort into understanding a bit more about their background and how racism works OP would be more inclined to show grace.

Probably fed up with all the "ah tell us what she said, ah go on!" type posts and gave up.
Don't blame them if so.

Why is everyone continuing to post when OP hasn't come back since her opening post? It's obviously a goady post to get people frothed up and it's worked.

What are you on about? Are you suggesting that racism doesn't exist? In which case, I have some news for you.

The OP is upset by her own MILs racist behaviour. People coming in to tell her that her own bloody experience isn't racist are frankly, just making themselves look stupid and rather complicit in downplaying racism.

White people are not racist just because something is seen through that prism

Nobody's said anything like that though?!

I’m very uncomfortable with some the undertone on here, toward MIL and some of the PP. White people are not racist just because something is seen through that prism. Intent is important. Exposure to people of different heritage is important to understand what is considered offensive.

Its not up to the MIL to decide though.

She is white, op is not.

It's not up to a white person to then tell a non white person they are being too sensitive about racism.

It really doesn't matter what the action itself was, the reaction is the most telling part.

Op shouldn't actually post what it was to have a bunch of MNers pick apart whether it was racist or not. Some posters on this site are very racist and will excuse anything.

You just know as well that if OP does cave and put what was said, it'll suddenly be posts like this one who tell her yeah actually, she was being too sensitive, of course it's not racist, don't be daft, and plenty of mental gymnastics gaslighting to tell her why she's wrong etc
See it all the time on here.

@lewiyy I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to racists comments by these people.

I'd be interested to know what your partner thinks of this, because if he’s evenly remotely apologist, he’s a part of the problem.

One comment is too many, and you’ve have several, plus a dollop of gaslighting. These are not people my children or I would be spending any time with.

Actually, @Lovepeaceunderstanding , I think your constant insistence that it can't possibly have been racism unless the OP repeats it verbatim to you, is pretty odd. She was there, she was offended, why isn't that good enough for you?

we have absolutely no idea what was said. It IS possible that the OP is being over sensitive which is the point I’m trying to make

None of us were there, so not sure how OP telling us will magically make us know if she actually was "being too sensitive"
No tone, atmosphere, she's presumably not daft and knows what it was like more than you or I.

Did she intend to deliberately offend?
The fact she told OP she was "too sensitive" says it all really.
You'd have thought she'd have apologised.

@CaptainMyCaptain , we have absolutely no idea what was said. It IS possible that the OP is being over sensitive which is the point I’m trying to make. To be crystal clear, I hate racism but it is completely ridiculous to suggest that just because someone says something is racist it definitely is without knowing what it was.

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t!
https://wordhistories.net/2017/11/27/take-the-mickey-origin/

I fell out with my exILs after they started chuntering on with pretty unpleasant tabloid racist statements ( the usual shite about Muslims and immigrants). I challenged them over it, and they got really upset and angry, and cut us off. To be fair to my knobhead of an exH, he was furious with them as well.

We never spoke to them again and my FIL died a few years back. MIL didn't even acknowledge my exH as one of FILs sons on the funeral order of service. As far as I'm concerned, racist old bitches like her can rot in hell (and hopefully get tortured by immigrant demons with pitchforks!).

That’s not where this phrase originated though. The two things are completely different.
https://wordhistories.net/2017/11/27/take-the-mickey-origin/

As an adult on the receiving end of a racist comment, you know it is racist, even though the person delivering it may not, e.g. person who was told ' taking the mickey' is racist. I have had to clarify whether comments are racist in lessons- usually they have not been.

Everyone asking for the comments it's just so they can minimise it and offer some mental gymnastics explanation as to why it's not racist or excusable. I don't blame OP for not writing it all down.

Yes you would. The OP was hurt by the comment, explained to the person commenting and they doubled down on it instead of apologising.

I'm pretty sure they weren't commenting on the colour of a cake.

Because it’s not relevant.

OP feels that she’s been the repeated target of racist comments by her in-laws.

when she tried to voice these concerns she was told she was being too sensitive and dramatic. In other words: They tried to undermine her own perception of reality and make her (and anyone else) believe that OP was the one in the wrong!

whereas any caring and reasonably non-racist person would try to understand a beloved and valued family member and would want their beloved daughter in law to feel comfortable at their house. Even if they didn’t feel that their comment was offensive. Even if this was simply a huge misunderstanding.

This isn’t about freedom of speech in a public setting, particularly a political or academic context where one actually needs to discuss whether something is or isn’t racist.
This is about how OP is treated by her own in-laws in the privacy of their own homes (and probably even OP’s own home) and how her in-laws choose to interact with her.

Whether they were intentionally racist, unintentionally racist, just a “bit clumsy”or even “not at all racist” therefore isn’t particularly relevant.

I you don't tell us what she said, how can anybody offer any useful comment?

Well two reasons for me personally; I wasn’t there and I am white.