Falling out with MIL over racist comment

But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer.

Gosh, I wonder where that perspective came from.

I'm not white, but I still have lots to learn from people of other races about what racism is for them too.

If I inadvertently said something then I wouldn't jump straight on the defensive.

That's the actual problem here, the reaction.

But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer.

Also, ‘white’ people can experience racism (eg travellers/gypsies/Jews).

But you want to know what was said so you can judge if it's racist enough for your standards though. Why is your judgement better than the ops?

If op says her MIL has said racist things more than once then I'm going to believe that.

If you're there trying to goad someone into giving specifics so you can decide if it's racist enough to be offended by then I'm going to assume that you have a level of racism that you find acceptable.

I fell out with a friend about racist comments. So much so that I went home from a town which was 2 buses journey. She had no clue where to pick the first bus from

@GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight , I think you have omitted the word ‘probably’ from what was said. 🙄

It’s a bit late to be worrying about being linked with the family if you already have children.

Well said to all of this (I say this as someone who is white too)

How do you think white people know what's racist and what isn't?

By learning from non white people

Exactly, I don't get daily abuse for the colour of my skin so I'm not exactly placed to say what is or isn't racist!
I try to shut up and listen and learn

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow , what is “Fucking tedious” is that some people on this thread are so quick to judge someone they don’t know about something they didn’t hear and there is no evidence for whatsoever as guilty because the OP is not white. It is further fucking tedious that these same people assert anyone who doesn’t agree with them is racist.

How do you think white people know what's racist and what isn't?

By learning from non white people.

History has proven that white people absolutely cannot be the judge of what's racist, and its still ongoing.

So, no, it's not patronising to listen to a non white person telling you something is racist and learning from that.

However in this instance the MIL has said multiple racist things, and just dismisses the op rather than listening and learning, so it's safe to say that she, and others on this thread who are defending their right to say what they want, are just your average racists who have no interest in learning or changing anything.

What do you think about the fact that she said OP was too sensitive, just dismissed her instead?

@MoonWoman69 , yes people cry ‘ism’ a great deal and it should not be a catch all shut up. We need to be able to question reasonably and have a right to our opinion. I am shocked that this MIL is being judged guilty without any evidence, that is in itself prejudice.

Well put @Smellyshelli

You're getting married next year? WHY? Why subject yourself to racist behaviour for the rest of your life?

When you marry a man, you marry his family too. This is a piece of advice I did NOT listen to when I married my exH. I thought I could keep his batshit mother and controlling father at bay because they had been relatively harmless and just annoying till that point.

I couldn't keep them at a distance and getting married made it worse because, in my exH's mind, I had agreed to marry him knowing what his family was like and he was actually LESS inclined to stand up for me after that.

Actually though, the ‘racism is in the eye of the beholder’ idea is a political standpoint not everyone agrees with. So you say white people can’t judge for themselves and must immediately apologise if they’re told by a non-white person that something is racist. This is a critical race theory idea that not everyone subscribes to. It’s a political disagreement and frankly I think it’s patronising to always agree with what someone says because you assume they can’t cope with a difference of opinion.

You know people can see your post pre-edit? Bloody hell!

That really is quite the edit 😲

@ifkgcmtlucube who you are agreeing with, your post's not clear?
(As yikes that's quite the edit!)

And that's the problem.

She may have got a word wrong by accident, but she didn't apologise and correct herself, she got defensive and blamed op, as racists always do.

Say something racist, get pulled up on it, blame the non white person for being sensitive rather than accept they got it wrong.

Op doesn't need to prove anything, the actions of the MIL speak for themselves, (and so do yours for defending her tbh).

But how many people when told that their language / actions are wrong for any reason will immediately get defensive - it's human nature. Yes OP's MIL may well have been racist and may well have been doing so deliberately but equally she may have said something that used to be the polite acceptable term and is just being defensive for having been told she's wrong. And given that OP hasn't been back I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt to her MIL since we have zero idea of what was said at any point in the conversation. Innocent until proved guilty, and no proof has been offered.

Let's not pretend that's a fair comparison at all.

A white person is in absolutely no position to tell a non white person that something isn't racist and dismiss the person as sensitive.

Op said it was racist, op said its not the first time either, so why do people need to know the details so they can tie themselves in knots to dismiss it.

In fact I do know why, it's because those posters are racist, if they manage to convince themselves that non white people are just sensitive then they don't have to admit their own racism, and they can pass it off as "you can't say anything anymore, political correctness gone mad". It's fucking tedious.

Well quite. I can perceive the sky to be green. That doesn't mean the sky is green.

The other day there was a thread where the OP wrote the words almost letter for letter and you still had posters saying it "wasn't racist because..."

And those were actually well known racial slurs.

I did wonder if this thread was an intentional counterpoint

The idea though that posters think an OP possibly lacks the qualification to identify racism is fucking baffling to me, or that they're any better qualified. As above there are people who deny racism as blatant as using racial slurs so I don't really see what benefit bringing a court made up of the same people brings to the argument.

If you take the racism as hitting whatever level you deem racism to be you are still left with the OPs original question and that's what you should be answering.

There may have been 'crossed wires' or whatever about the original comment.

However when op said she was being racist, rather than listen, or learn, or apologise, she doubled down and dismissed op as sensitive.

That's a bigger issue than the original comment, and why the comment itself isn't relevant.