Falling out with MIL over racist comment

Without you hinting at what she said, it's very difficult to answer your question. What does your fiance say?

No it is not. It is about a principle; MiL has no right to say anything offensive, be it racist or any other ist.
One doesn't require an example to understand a principle and good manners

No, I did not “search out” six month old thread.

And I was speaking specifically about those seeking to gaslight OP

Why should she be required to perform any degree of emotional labour?

The MiL is perfectly capable of educating herself if she wants to.

Edited to say did not notice this was a zombie. Sorry.

By needing to know what was said, we are questioning a non-white person's lived experience of racism. It is not for us to judge whether OP should be upset or not, she IS upset and that should be recognised.

You searched out a six month old thread just to call other mumsnetters racist?

And the people here saying “I need to know what she said” probably make similarly racists comments but think it’s ok “if they did not mean to be racist”.

a) I have zero tolerance for racists and would go no contact easily.

b) As somebody who has mainly dated interracially I don’t think I could countenance dating, let alone marrying a man whose family were racists, who made racists comments in my presence and he was silent on it. You should not even be the one to deal with what you MiL said. He should have. My brother has to deal with some prejudiced comments from his wife’s uncle but at least there, his FiL shuts that down immediately.

c) Would you want any children you have exposed to this?

I just don't understand ppl like this. Even if they didn't mean it (according to them) in a bad way but they can see they've upset you why don't try showing you that they are sorry they upset you instead of using the sensitive card. My inlaws are exactly like this and actually they treat anyone outside the family badly and don't give a toss if they've hurt someone's feelings. It's not about bowing down to everyone, I can understand you may be accused of saying something you didn't mean in the way it's been taken but just show some understanding. It's your dil for crying out loud just show her some understanding to what she's trying to tell you .

So OP telling her children "sorry you don't see Grandma- she's a racist" won't affect them either?!

Yes, it will teach them that their mother doesn’t put up with racists and they shouldn’t either.

OP it would help posters support you if you would give more detail, but overall I would say that educating her as well as giving her carte Blanche as to why this is not acceptable and what she risks would be my advice at this stage.

It’s not OP’s job to educate racists, especially ones who refuse to see they are racist.

And no, OP shouldn’t give MIL carte blanche, do you even know what that means?!

OP, you don’t need to say what she said. I believe you that it was racist,

Go NC with the whole bunch of racist cunts.

My MIL is racist AF and claims that she is “entitled to her opinion.” I have said to her that she is absolutely entitled to her opinion. Couldn’t agree more. She is not however, entitled to voice it. Her opinion is illegal. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t want my kids to hear it. If she insists on sharing it, she will learn just how passionately I disagree with her when I call the police. She doesn’t like me very much. 😆

So OP telling her children "sorry you don't see Grandma- she's a racist" won't affect them either?!

OP it would help posters support you if you would give more detail, but overall I would say that educating her as well as giving her carte Blanche as to why this is not acceptable and what she risks would be my advice at this stage.

Where is your Partner in all this? And what is his pov? That is going to be important.

I would NOT be getting married before this is resolved one way or the other.

Its a long road to walk for you and your DP/DH. All happy events... the wedding, birthdays, children will all be highly problematic and stress filled.
Can mil sit at the top table for the wedding? Can she attend the wedding at all? Can she see your child? Is she only allowed supervised access? Is once a week too much?

It WILL cause conflict and resentment on both sides in your marriage indefinitely and that can be a huge strain.
By that i mean the "you arent supporting me and are enabling your racist family" vs "you hate my family. I have to chose between you and them"

Hi I’m so sorry to hear that. Either they truly apologise and stop or cut them off. I did that with my SILs racist family. And honestly think twice before marrying into such a family. Good luck

@Smellyshelli "But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer."

That is another perspective, yes. It's wrong.

Ignore the "too sensitive", OP. That's to shut you up. What does your partner say?

Too true. They seem to go in tandem.
It's perfectly possible to be older and not racist!

Nothing like a racism thread to bring ageism in its wake!

How does DP react when they make these comments, OP?

He should be stepping up to make it very clear they shouldn't be saying these things in front of you and the kids. It's so disrespectful.

Can we stop with ‘of an age’ comments about racism please? I’m mid 50’s and my parents, now in their 80’s taught me from toddlerhood about changing language, personal comments and differences. In the early 70’s when the norm in attitudes around race, sexuality, disability were ‘different to now’ lots of people called it out. Saying otherwise is wrong.

She wasn't seeking an opinion on whether her MILs multiple comments about her race/heratige were racist or not though, unless I missed that part, she seems pretty clear that they are.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow
That's the actual problem here, the reaction

Completely agree

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow , the OP posted on AIBU and asked if she would be justified in cutting contact completely with her partners family. She was seeking opinions!

Well done, and I genuinely mean that. You're modelling great self-respect and boundaries to your children. Racism and racists should never be tolerated or excuses made for them. Ignorance is never a valid reason either.

Frankly, it's their family's problem if they are now not as close knit as they were.

You and your children should not have to experience racism within your family. Period.

To the other posters. Trust me when I say and I'm also not white British. When someone of colour says that they are having racism thrown at them by family. It is 100% racism. When you know, you know and there's no hiding it. What has been said is not relevant. It was racist.

I'm sorry you have had this happen. I can say that one half of my in laws are great and the others are as you've described. I refuse to have anything to do with them. And, if there's a big social gathering of the family, I ignore them. If anyone asks, I tell them why. I won't hide or make excuses for their poor education and worse behaviour.