Cheeky Fckers

We'll just wait for the next thread ...

It really isn't easy and it's definitely something easier said than done.

I've noticed on loads of the threads about CFs that a lot of the OPs dealing with CFs are quite passive-timid to say no-and like to avoid confrontation/conflict at all costs.

That's not a coincidence, I don't think. I think CFs latch onto people like that because they know there's less chance that they'll say no and that they'll get away with quite an astonishing amount of CFery before they do eventually have to put a stop to it.

I'm quite passive and non-confrontational, too and would struggle with saying no in this circumstance. However, you need to think of your objective. You want this "arrangement" to end.

So, you need to take the steps to make it end. She's relying on you being too nice to say no. Prove her wrong. There'll be many others in her life that will have said no to her-she's just found the person that she thinks won't and is taking advantage of that.

Remember that her child isn't your responsibility. There's two adults in that family-between them, they can work out that they need to get a childminder in place or put the children in nursery and pay for it. Like everyone else does.

So you have nothing to feel bad about here. Her childcare situation isn't your problem to solve. It's hers and her husbands.

This isn't a friendship that you want to keep.

She is a cheeky fucker, but she's that way because she's getting away with it. With CFs like this, the only language they understand is a cold, hard, direct no.

Don't give excuses-she'll only try and wiggle her way around them and make it "work" and excuses have a limited shelf-life i.e., "can't do it now not available," can easily translate to "not available right now but next time..."

"Dear x,

I'm not going to be providing anymore childcare. Stop asking and showing up on my doorstep. You and your husband need to make other arrangements going forward."

Make it very clear that you don't appreciate her just showing up on your doorstep. Make it very clear it's not negotiable and you won't be swayed and that there's never going to be an opportunity where you will look after her children again.

If she thinks there's a possibility of an "in" she'll bank on it and take it. Direct, firm, cold and hard NO. Then cut ties with her because CFs hate being told no and be prepared to face the tantrum of a lifetime-but block and don't answer the door if she comes round.

@thisisasurvivor - why do you find this not easy to do?

By stewing over it for hours/days/weeks you are leaving yourself open to this person (and others possibly) taking advantage of you and preying on your generous nature.

This is ridiculous.
‘ No’ without an apology is needed.

More neck than ET. Bin her off OP. You probably won't get the money she owes you back though.

I really do understand that.
The OP has been given lots of good advice and it really would be similar to ripping off a plaster to get the message sent to the CFker and put a stop to it. Most people are back at work from tomorrow and the sooner the OP sends the message that she is no longer available for looking after the CFker's kid, the better for the OP. That's all.
The longer the OP waits to build up the courage to send the message, the more opportunities the CFker has to send her child to the OP for looking after.
It's not rocket science. I do understand though that not everyone finds this stuff easy, but the relief once the message gets sent will be enormous!

Can't believe OP is paying for childcare for her OWN kids while minding this CF's for free. All while working.

OP, seriously!

She's a user, she doesn't reciprocate in a quid pro quo way, calling this a friendship doesn't really justify the description of someone who is a brazen taker. I think when you came on here to vent, she'd literally pushed her luck too far, you sound tired and stressed. Don't let yourself be used like this, the solution ultimately lies with you, but stick to your guns. What kind of shitty person borrows money off a struggling single mother, when as you say, there are two incomes coming into her household. Honestly, she's not worth a light.

Not everyone finds this stuff easy. Give OP a break, she’ll get there on her terms.

Seriously @thisisasurvivor , It’s really not that hard to send a message. It doesn’t need all the humming and hawing over it to sculpt it into some literary work of art.

You don’t want to look after her kid anymore so tell her. She isn’t a mind reader.

I also asked this question @Apolloneuro
but didn't get a reply.

I'd say as @Rattai has suggested and if she's agreeable to pay you the going rate and also pay for a childminding course then say OK I'll draw up a contract..... which you can add stipulations I.e what she can and can't do eg cancel at the last minute as its breaching contract and will need to pay a full day's care etc the list could go on on and on it's up to you how you word it but tell her in no uncertain terms that you won't do childcare for free or be having her take the P*ss any longer... hope you get it sorted

Did you post about this a few months ago? You were advised then to put a stop to it. I hope you find the strength to do so now.

God that's even worse - you pay a Childminder to look after your DC to enable you to concentrate on your job.
Not to free up space in your home for her child !
You have a relationship with your CM based on respect for her and her professionalism for which you pay .
Your CF Friend sees it as a "favour" as in her opinion it isn't really impacting on you , give him a film and a bag of popcorn.
Its not even as though he's there to play with your kids !

Let us know the response please.
I am glad you found a way to address things that is comfortable for you.

I wouldn’t take those comments to heart. People on beee can be brutal and some seem to be the complete opposite to you where they would kick off over any tiny thing. Yes, you have let yourself be vulnerable but that is why people like your friend get away with it - they figure out who is vulnerable, who is extremely kind and their weakness and then they manipulate them and take whatever they can. Dont feel bad about yourself because someone else took advantage of you.

Now if the time to put yourself first. Be clear, be firm and don’t allow any wiggle room to get you to change your mind. You can do this. You were kind and she took advantage of it.

Good luck with your contacting her. Stay strong.

Tell her NO

Her behaviour is so unacceptable that she is probably not worth keeping as a friend.