Cheeky Fckers

All these people who are suggesting excuses as to why you can't do it are well-meaning but not helpful. It gives her grounds to push back and find ways to get round your reasons. It also makes you look half-hearted.

If you think about it if someone just says, 'no I can't' it sounds much more forceful than, 'well it won't really work because I'm on my way back from the airport and I'm working a full day tomorrow etc, etc.' which just sounds woolly and indecisive.

As for paying for her holiday club, what were you thinking? When people ask you to pay for them remind yourself that every penny you give them is coming out of your children's mouth. It may help you to be more assertive.

If it was me, I would refuse until she paid me what she owed me for the. Summer camp. She'll pay up then, because she won't want to lose her free child care.

Then the next time she asked to look after the sprog, I would say that she owes me a considerable sum of money already for all that childcare, so no.
And present her with a bill.

But you did not say "no,can't do it". I'm reading this as "can't chat now as on a plane" but not as "no,I'm not looking after your child".

I feel for you, it's hard when you're a nice person to say no, you feel you need to have an excuse and your df knows you're available as you wfh.
It's easy for pps to tell you what to say but actually saying it out loud is difficult.
There has been a good few ideas posted on what to say though and you can do it by text as she's texting you so you won't have the awkwardness of doing it face to face.
I'd wait until she actually asks you again then text back with one of the suggestions from pps, rinse and repeat.
I don't think you'll need to block her as you probably won't hear from her again, you'll have outlived your usefulness.
Good luck!

You need to be direct, to the point and absolutely 100% clear in your communication with her.

@Darkdiamond brilliant post.. I find I’m either feeling guilty because I’ve been assertive and said no, or I do it to keep the peace but then I’m cross with myself for being a mug.

She is a CF. Liberate yourself from her CF ways 😘

In future the responses need to be 'do not drop him off tomorrow, I will not be looking after him'. Yes, a friend would realise from your text 'oh god, she ll be wrecked tomorrow, this won't work' but here's the thing - she is not your friend, she is a user

I suppose she is a bit self absorbed and understands your reactions and communications as you "don't really mind".

If you want to cut her off, you can, but you can see whether it can't work with a bit clearer communication. You can take it as helping her, because she doesn't understand soft clues (I'm not sure I'd understand the tarmac message myself as "no", it sounds to me as joke "I just hope I'll be back with this bloody delays"). You can cut it any time, so you can take her as an exercise as well.

Definitely ask about the money, the "checking my accounts" is a great way.

And, maybe just the next time answer no, and see how it goes.

Decide for yourself what annoys you the most - is it lack of reciprocity (and would you like some?), too high frequency, being taken for granted, lack of respect... And see whether you can fix it or not.

Don't keep putting off the text or she will be at your door again , and will probably keep banging until you cave in , because that's what you've said you're like . We all know it and she knows it .

Are your children friends? Would your child want a reciprocal arrangement? Is your child even home when she sends her child?

Just send a simple text. Firm but polite.

I am unable to provide free childcare as I'm too busy. Just a reminder too that you owe me £xx for last summer's holiday club and £xx for the pizzas. Do you need my bank details?

What is with this awful expression ‘use your words?’ OP is not a child.

before you stop doing it (and absolutely do) ask her if she can have your child next week. See what she says, if she says no then that’s your opportunity to tell her you won’t be looking after her child either. Also ask her for the money owed, tell her you need it for something. Get your money before you end things for good. She’s a cheeky mare and will never change, you don’t need friends like this

@Darkdiamond that is a great post.

Another great phrase is ‘I feel I’m not being listened to’
she can’t argue with that.

If you say ‘you are not listening to me’ she will say ‘yes I am!’ But if you word it like ’I feel I am not being listened to’ that is your feeling. The end.

I hope you get this sorted OP.

I remember watching a film whee a serial killer told the protagonist people like him were so successful because society has trained people to ignore their own self preservation and senses that something is wrong because its not polite to say no.

May be a work of fiction and she may not be a serial killer but she is no friend either.

She is aware of the situation you are in, she knows it's a huge imposition. Yet she expects you to suffer the psychological and monetary pain she inflicts on you so she can get what she wants.

She's not a friend she's a predator.

My answer would be No, I am not able to take care of YOUR child. I am a working single parent and have my own children to care for. I like your child but he is not my responsibility so sort your own childcare out. Whilst your at at you owe me X amount for last year's holiday club I had to pay for YOUR child.

You need to say you can’t work with multiple kids around and sorry but she will need to pay for childcare next holiday. Don’t put up with it, if she turns up anyway don’t answer or tell her you told her you can’t do it. You need to be very firm with people like them

@Darkdiamond
I agree with all of that, however, OP has recognised she is a push over and needs to change. She actually needs to start doing and communicating differently.

I used to be a bit of a walk over in my personal life but had to be extremely assertive in my job. I just started saying phrases in my personal life that I used frequently at work
'No. That is unacceptable.'
'No. That doesn't work for me.'

It was really awkward initially, however, it had a massively beneficial impact on my life. People did not take the mick anymore.

Good luck dealing with her. You are not being ‘mean’ by saying no, you are looking after your own health.
your family need you and this user will run you into the ground, then move onto her next target.

Get the money for the summer club back. Do it. You will feel amazing.
Text her and say ‘you can revolut m the money for the summer club last year, I’m looking at my accounts here and just trying to tick off all the money owed to me’

noyhing else. Shut up.

When she picks up the child say ‘I’m working next week, I need you to mind my kids on Tuesday and Wednesday’

Say nothing else. Shut up.
Take a huge gulp of water and keep it in your mouth if you have to, just speak no words.

Let her speak.
Watch what she does, and then come up with a plan to never ever minds her kids again using this information.

Today is all about coming up with a plan . Not exploding, not saying much, just researching. Good luck.

Why did you pay for her holiday camps? There is a little bit here about boundaries and how you’ve let yourself be used but she is most definitely a cheeky fucker.

There is absolutely no way you should be working while having someone else’s child with you. It’s bad enough when it’s your own. I have done it once for a friend in a proper emergency and it was hard having 4 kids in the house and I got very little done.

A lot of people don't feel confident expressing their boundaries. For some people it's a skill that they have to learn or explicitly be taught later in life. It comes very naturally to some people and not to others. I've briefly explained in a previous post that this was incredibly difficult for me, and I've had to learn that it's OK for me to be direct about when I don't want to do what someone else wants me to. It's connected to upbringing, personality type and self esteem. Some people are generally very nice and expect other people to be very nice too, and it's very confusing when they have to stand up to those who exploit their accommodating nature. Ultimately, people like the OP have to take charge of their own position in the world, as people with every bit as much right to do as they please, as other people and that often takes a little brain retraining.

Some things seem very obvious but feel very difficult to some people.

How come you’re unable to use your words op and communicate with her.

sorry won’t be able to do the child care tomorrow
can you transfer the money for the club please.

just use your words and communicate,

@thisisasurvivor

Have you actually texted this CF that this will not happen again?

This whole situation has occurred as you have not clearly and concisely communicated with her.

Texting 'I am sitting on the tarmac ' is not saying
'No. That doesn't work for me. I am incredibly busy tomorrow working. I cannot provide childcare for you'

I would actually contact her to say that you think you’re coming down with a stomach bug or something as you’re suddenly feeling very unwell and you don’t want her child to pick up what you have. She’s to come home and collect her child by X time.
Then when she arrives, wear your dressing gown and look awful and hand her back her child. (You’re not sick btw, just sick of her taking such liberties).

Then take yourself to bed and catch up on your sleep undisturbed!

Follow up with a text message something like what others have already suggested.

Thats what I would do.

Op I think you need to reframe how you think. Maybe you have been brought up to be a people pleaser (I was!) and feel like you don't want to be seen as 'not nice' by saying 'no'. It's really difficult to handle that feeling of people thinking you're not super helpful and accommodating.

I learned a trick that has helped me with stuff like this (honestly!). It sounds so basic but it blew my mind. Standing up for yourself when you're a bit on the soft side (that's me!) feels horrible, with all of the guilt and self doubt. The trick is to feel those feelings and stand up for yourself anyway. S

Say 'no', feel all of those horrible feelings of panic and anxiety that you aren't giving somebody something you owe them, and just see it through.

You also need to have a key sentence in your mind to keep repeating to yourself when you start freaking out that you're not being helpful enough. Maybe it's 'my own family is my only responsibility', 'I don't owe anyone free childcare' or 'I won't be taken advantage of'. Keep referring to this when you're enforcing the boundary.

CFs generally have 2 common traits:

1. They count on the fact that you will be too polite to say 'no' and will quote happily exploit your nature for their gain, even if it bothers you. They don't care an iota about you and only want to use you. They are not your friend.

1. They are generally entitled and will push hard against any boundary you erect, so don't be surprised if they seem angry with you. It's because they want to control you so you will do what they want and feel annoyed when their handy little system doesn't work any more.

So, with all of this in mind, change your perspective and OWN your right to say 'no'.

It is yours.

'I have a right to say no!'

Ps. Ditch this friend.