Broken beyond belief

Sweetheart, are you trying to access counseling? I really think it would be a good idea.

Just concentrate on reminding yourself about all the horrible, aggressive, violent, unforgiveable things he did to you.

You cannot love a man who spits at you.

Hey, that's only to be expected; you've experienced a massive upheaval. It isn't that you've lost something good, but you lost something that you wished would be good. It hurts just the same though. Giving you a huge virtual hug (HUG)

@StuckHurtDone How are you feeling today? A little better I hope. x

He can’t go around much telling people this and that, because he’s a jobless nobody who can’t afford his car or phone payments

@StuckHurtDone

Feel like I can’t show my face anywhere for shame of people knowing what I’ve ‘done’

And you have a police report and pictures of your shed to prove he's a nasty liar and your own words to describe what your life with him has been like.

I understand 'people pleaser'. I understand 'what will the neighbours think". Because I was raised with 'Be nice' and the idea that what others think of us is important, no matter who they are. But listen...the most important is that we please ourselves and that we act in our own best interests.

I second this: "Go out for a walk, shower, get dressed put your hair up and go for a walk. Take your phone and take 5 beautiful photos". You hold your head up and walk tall. The people who know you won't believe his lies. As for the rest, I've said it before but it bears repeating; 'them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind'. Yes, you may learn who your true friends are coming out of this, but that is knowledge worth having.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this before, but do you have friends/relatives that you've lost touch with since you've been with him? You need to consider that he's alienated you from them or alienated them from you. This can take the form of nasty whispers in your ear that they talk about you behind your back and that they don't like or love you. It can also take the form of picking fights with your loved ones or making them so uncomfortable that they stop coming round or he can point at issues (that he actually has caused) and demand that you cut them out because they've disrespected him (ie 'it's them or me, choose!'). If that has happened, reach out to them. I guarantee that they've been wondering about you and praying that you'll call. Yes, you'll need to explain and they'll say "I told you so" (probably more than once) but it will be worth it to have them back in your life.

Who would he tell and why would anyone believe him? The people that know him best know what he is like: his mum, for example, will be quietly wishing she had your determination.

Also, he DOES "have a care in the world". His meal ticket has thrown him out and he is back living with mummy - it's a disaster for him, utterly catastrophic.

You, my dear, are important. You are kind. You are likeable. You have your own home and a good job - all things you have provided for yourself (and well done!)

Life is going to improve for you now, you'll see xx

Exactly. My ex told everyone I stopped him seeing the kids and had made up stories. You neighbour and others know him they know he is drunk, abusive, idiot.

Now is the time to heal. Go out for a walk, shower, get dressed put your hair up and go for a walk. Take your phone and take 5 beautiful photos. Get some counselling. He will need to pay for the damage done but for now you have had a massive huge leech sucking the blood out of you and you’ve ripped it off. It’s going to hurt, you will bleed and then the scab forms and you will heal. It will be weird you are trauma bonded.

Decent people remove themselves from his sort of bullshit nonsense and will see through his lies to the idiot underneath. The only people who believe him are losers themselves so it shouldn’t really matter to you what they believe or think.

One day in the not too distant future, you won’t care what he thinks or says…hard as that is to believe right now. You will wonder what you ever saw in him.

So hang on in there OP. Hang on to your digmity.

You are doing well to get help so far.
Eat a bit, stay hydrated, get some fresh air and organise your new life, a little bit at a time, each new day.

He is an arsehole... don't waste any more time on him. He cares about his needs and his needs only. You are worth more and do not deserve any of this behaviour... if you can get out asap or make plans to, he will not change. Don't let him get an inkling that you've seen through it all... wishing you all the best xx

Feel like I can’t show my face anywhere for shame of people knowing what I’ve ‘done’

Surely people will applaud you for getting rid of this violent wastrel?

Try to get this nonsense out of your head ( I mean this kindly)

And OP - when you start to sleep better, and eat better, you'll naturally feel better anyway.

The medication will help enormously with that, OP.

Your GP has been very helpful. I hope you'll start to feel better soon.

Don't ever think that you made the wrong decision in kicking this man out.

Hi OP,
Another one who wants to say, this is 100% not your fault and you are not a bad person. He is abusive and manipulative. The people who think you are the problem are being abused/lied to by him or simply haven’t seen his true colours yet.

This is all part of his awful behaviour, to paint you as the bad person in the relationship and play the victim. He wants to make you doubt yourself.

I also think that counselling would help a lot with getting you through this moment and maybe dealing with the past. When you’re ready, finding some ways to making real friends will be possible - there are kind, non-alcoholic, non-abusive people who will appreciate you, out there.
Stay strong, you have come far already x

Where are you up to with support?

What makes you think that?

Of course they don’t - people who know him will have the sum of him, even if they make supportive noises to him when he’s moaning about how “awful” you are.

Anyone who matters will hear how he’s been taken away in a police car after becoming violent and have nothing but sympathy for you - those who aren’t supportive don’t matter anyway. Your neighbour who’s known him for years and his mum may feel a sense of loyalty to him but they’re not daft - they know he’s a dick.

Just be honest about how he’s treated you to those who’s opinions you care about - anyone else can fuck off.

And as for “it didn’t need to be like this”. Yes it did. People like your ex always turn violent when they don’t get their own way. I’m sure he was nice in the beginning but that’s not who he really is - that’s the mask he put on to get you to fall in love with him/let him move in. I’m glad he kicked off and smashed your shed in a way because it’s meant the police are involved. The spitting would’ve become hitting/punching and I’d much rather a shed get damaged rather than you.

You are going to have wobbles because you’ll be remembering the good times - but when your mind starts wandering to those think about how badly he’s treated you. You know you can’t go back to that.

I think when you return to work it’ll be a distraction and you’ll start to feel better. One day at a time but you’re doing this OP - you’re going to be ok, but it’s going to take time.

The sun is out where I am - can you get out for a walk and get some vitamin D? And maybe a nice coffee.

Darling, none of us on here hates you!

Anyone who hates you for ending things with an abusive man is not a good person to have in your life.

I bet your friends in real life do not hate you.

You're worried because your ex's mum is upset - well, that really isn't your problem. She will have to try to persuade her son to get help, if she can. He is a violent alcoholic, and that is very, very hard to deal with.

It doesn't mean you should take the man back, though. You've done the right thing, getting him out of your life.

Stay strong. Your life can only improve now.

Cut yourself some slack, OP.
You've been dealing with one of the toughest things you probably will ever have to do in your lifetime. You are also doing it on very little sleep and constant headaches.

Despite all this, you have found strength from somewhere to kick him out. You have have made some extraordinary progress since the start of your thread. Tiny steps every day all add up. Drink lots of water and try to get some sunshine on your face. These are little wins that will make you feel stronger and more in control.

You are NOT the bad one! He is a dangerous, self-entitled, manipulative creature who'll push and lie and threaten to get what he wants, irrespective of what is right and true.

Thank goodness the police are involved and being helpful. Make your statement clearly and in full, and enquire about measures (eg non molestation order, etc. take their advice) and keep yourself safe.

You will not always hurt this bad - it's early days.

I can't remember if you are having any therapy. If you can access it through work (Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) do take it up. One of my employers in the past paid for six sessions and it was totally confidential. You can use that as a springboard for further therapy once those run out. Take a look at BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) to choose someone for you.

Sending you a hug and a handhold. 🌹