Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
FluffyCatsTail · 06/05/2024 18:48

A very positive update, well done. Of course he tried to come back, reading your thread you should be celebrating jnstead of crying but i know how we get attached and build a future in our heads when we are with someone. That future would have been a nightmare for you but now it won’t.

Not surprised about the dv/da either, normal ppl don’t come round and threaten others with angle grinders unless that is an entrenched modus operandi for them. Let them sink and rot in a pub, you are out of it and can lead a normal happy life. You’ll thank yourself once all the emotions subside.

DriftingDora · 06/05/2024 17:04

Good for you! Keep going onwards and upwards!🌻

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 06/05/2024 16:59

Pinkpinkplonk · 06/05/2024 16:46

@StuckHurtDone The freedom program is free, please check.( Ive sent you a link above)
Im in tears reading your thread. You are so strong.

Edited

I’m really not, I’m still a broken mess. But I’m getting there.

everytime I go on it, it says its £14? Which in the grand scheme of things isn’t anything BUT I’ve just had to buy a new car as he screwed me over with mine (I had to get it scrapped and he stole the keys from me!!)

im still angry at myself for allowing to fall into this trap, but everyday is a school day I guess.
once I’ve been paid I’m going to treat myself to a hair salon appt - I haven’t been allowed to dye my hair since we’ve been together so my grey is horrific!!

OP posts:
Pinkpinkplonk · 06/05/2024 16:46

@StuckHurtDone The freedom program is free, please check.( Ive sent you a link above)
Im in tears reading your thread. You are so strong.

PaminaMozart · 06/05/2024 16:31

Well done you! In the end you were stronger than you’d ever thought.

as for the books - I cannot remember specifically, but I’d suggest the following:

  • Why Does He Do that by Lundy Bancroft; Ava’s a free pdf online.
  • Women Who love Too Much - you can probably find it very cheap on WOB
Onwards and upwards 😀
TheShellBeach · 06/05/2024 16:02

You're an inspiration!
Well done, and thank you for posting an update.
I'm not surprised he has a long history of DV.

I'm glad you now see him for what he is.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 06/05/2024 15:55

Causewerethespecialtwo · 06/05/2024 15:49

It’s lovely to hear an update from you. I’m really glad to hear that you are going back to work and it sounds like you are making great steps to look after yourself. I’m really in awe of you and your strength. I know you don’t feel it now, but one day you will look back on this time and think wow I was such a boss bitch getting rid of him and moving on to a better life. Have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? I think it would be really beneficial to you x

I bloody hope so!! I just have to remind myself daily I’m not a bad person!
Im going to book a holiday for next year (so I have a year to pay for it 🤣)
I did look at the freedom programme but you have to pay for it, and csnt justify that yet.

there were some books mentioned, but csnt for the life of me remember what they were! I will scroll through and try find them, but will get one of those when I get paid!

some normality is what I need for sure.

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 06/05/2024 15:50

Well done. Awesome.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 06/05/2024 15:49

It’s lovely to hear an update from you. I’m really glad to hear that you are going back to work and it sounds like you are making great steps to look after yourself. I’m really in awe of you and your strength. I know you don’t feel it now, but one day you will look back on this time and think wow I was such a boss bitch getting rid of him and moving on to a better life. Have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? I think it would be really beneficial to you x

Noseybookworm · 06/05/2024 15:32

StuckHurtDone · 06/05/2024 14:49

Hi all.
thought you’d appreciate an update….

still feeling crap and low, but am back to work tomorrow. Tablets are helping I think, and am starting CBT in the next couple of weeks.

in regards to him, he’s tried to come back. But all empty promises. He (changed his number as I cancelled the contract) told me he loved me…. And then went to the pub for a week 🤣

all of his stuff has gone. Not a single thing in this house of his now which helps.

the police informed me that he has a long history of DV/DA through Claire’s law. Little bit too late, but I got the information I needed/already knew.

so I guess I move on slowly. At least I’ve stopped crying 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would like to thank all of you for your help, I wouldn’t of got this far without you

You're doing so well! Keep going, a day at a time, it will get easier. Given his history, I'd say you've had a very lucky escape 💐

LAMPS1 · 06/05/2024 15:08

Well done OP.
You were close to the edge but you soldiered on and came though.
keep going …good luck !

wellthisislovely · 06/05/2024 15:03

One day at a time. If you ever waiver then just think about the Claire's Law reveal and count yourself lucky that you got out when you did.

Good luck

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 06/05/2024 14:49

Hi all.
thought you’d appreciate an update….

still feeling crap and low, but am back to work tomorrow. Tablets are helping I think, and am starting CBT in the next couple of weeks.

in regards to him, he’s tried to come back. But all empty promises. He (changed his number as I cancelled the contract) told me he loved me…. And then went to the pub for a week 🤣

all of his stuff has gone. Not a single thing in this house of his now which helps.

the police informed me that he has a long history of DV/DA through Claire’s law. Little bit too late, but I got the information I needed/already knew.

so I guess I move on slowly. At least I’ve stopped crying 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would like to thank all of you for your help, I wouldn’t of got this far without you

OP posts:
BigtubOLard · 25/04/2024 08:40

@StuckHurtDone Wanted to reach out and see how you are doing. No need to reply if you are not feeling up to it - self care is incredibly important after the trauma you've been through. Remember, you are important and you have value 🌼🌺 (HUGS)

ThreeLocusts · 20/04/2024 22:45

OP I hear you. I lived with an alcoholic for a few years, and when things were good they were really good. I knew it would have to end though as it was very clear drink mattered more than me.

But the breakup still felt terrible. Absolutely awful.
The good news: it passed. You WILL feel better. Hang in thereFlowers

Teenagehorrorbag · 20/04/2024 21:04

Please stop thinking like this, if you can. I was with a guy for four years back in the 90s, and honestly thought I'd met my perfect bloke. But he gradually revealed himself to be a violent coercive control freak. He also spat at me once.....

It took a long time to get rid as I was like you - kept thinking it would get better as he really did love me and was my perfect man. Just needed some anger management or whatever. Also he moved into my house - so there were times when I let him back just because I was too scared of him stalking etc and I was a bundle of nerves. Luckily no kids......

But it's not love. I was hankering after what might have been if he hadn't turned out to be a control freak weirdo - and he would probably say he loved me but nobody needs 'love' like that. You're in the same place - you remember the best times and your hopes and plans, and can't help thinking 'if only'......

But it's not realistic. You have to pull on your big girl pants and be strong now, and move forward. Remind yourself what a shit he is, not how lovely he once was. Wishing you all strength....

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2024 20:53

StuckHurtDone · 20/04/2024 20:11

I kind of have some relief, of course I do, but now reality has sunk in. To know I’ll never speak to hi again, to know I can never help him.
i know he loved me, he just loved the drink more. I’m sad. It could of, should of been so different

No, love, it couldn't have and never would have. 'Should have' belongs with 'if wishes were horses'. And because he is who and what he is, it never would have. And no, you couldn't ever 'help' him. Addicts must help themselves by themselves. Remember these wise words "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it". Because you didn't, and you can't.

Yes, he loved the drink more. Did he love you? Maybe, in his alcoholic way. But it was never a healthy, honest love. And unhealthy, dishonest love is something you can do without.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 20/04/2024 20:40

I know what I’d say if it was someone else. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so much different. I have had no contact with him, and I know I won’t. I guess I’m just reminiscing. Things were good at one point.
with my sensible head on it says keep going you’ve got this. But with the heart head on, fuck me it’s hard. To not know he’s ok.

OP posts:
TheMerryTiger · 20/04/2024 20:20

Just read what you have written. What would you say if your best friend told you this?

eggplant16 · 20/04/2024 20:15

never mind waiting, Get on the phone to the Crisis team.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 20/04/2024 20:11

I kind of have some relief, of course I do, but now reality has sunk in. To know I’ll never speak to hi again, to know I can never help him.
i know he loved me, he just loved the drink more. I’m sad. It could of, should of been so different

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2024 19:12

StuckHurtDone · 20/04/2024 18:54

I have some CBT booked but 4-5 week wait so have to sit here. I’m broken. I wish it turned out how it was meant to

Let me rephrase this for you.

"I wish it turned out how I wanted it to"

Things always turn out the way they're 'meant to' because the way they turn out is wholly determined by the things that have happened and the people involved. It was always going to end the way it did because of who and what he is. Nothing you could do an no amount of wishing could have made it otherwise.

You need to accept that it was never going to be what you wanted it to be. He simply was not capable of it.

I wish you didn't have to wait so long for CBT. But in the meantime you can read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and seeing if you can access the Freedom Programme online or in person.

There is also a book called 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood. It was published in 1985 but I think it's still relevant today.

DriftingDora · 20/04/2024 19:01

OP, take a minute to remind yourself that someone who loves you doesn't treat you like this. Then remind yourself that you deserve so, so much better from life. He's not a nice person and even if you took him back tomorrow, what's going to change? Nothing. He is what he is and doesn't deserve you.

Please talk to someone in real life if you have a close friend or family member you trust. Go and see your GP, ask about counselling, make sure you eat something every day and drink plenty of liquids, get some fresh air if you can, even just a walk round the garden if you have one, or the local park. Look after your own health, you deserve it and here's wishing you much happier times in the future.🌻🌺🌻

TheShellBeach · 20/04/2024 18:59

StuckHurtDone · 20/04/2024 18:54

I have some CBT booked but 4-5 week wait so have to sit here. I’m broken. I wish it turned out how it was meant to

But it was never "meant to" be anything other than him being abusive towards you. He was not a man you could have relied on, or admired, was he.

I think you're regretting that he wasn't a kind, generous man who was good to you. Not that this particular man is no longer in your life, because surely you're feeling relief about that?