Broken beyond belief

OP, where's your pride? I don't think you actually have to ask what you need to do - why are you clinging on to this bloke who has a mental age of about 4? What can you possibly be getting out of the relationship with a man who is a waste of space and oxygen, and a leech. How much more does he have to do before the penny drops that this will be your life while you continue to tolerate his behaviour?

And in case you didn't know, spitting at someone counts as assault.

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

LTB. Now. Quick. Don't waste anymore time.

You need to kick him out ASAP, I know you think you love him but he is abusing you, you are worth more than being abused like this. Do you want to look back in 10 years time and realise you’ve wasted 10 years living like this?

Better to be on your own than be with some sponging, drunk, abuser who is just using you and treating you like dirt. Calling you miserable and spitting at you. Please wake up and pack his bags.

Again, I don't understand why women put up with this. He'll keep being a fecking twat as long as you put up with it.

But what’s that got to do with anything?

It doesn’t matter how you met - he’s a cunt.

I love him though. Although the idea of loving who he ‘was

Who he “was” wasn’t real. That was the nice guy act he put on to reel you in and get you emotionally enmeshed with him. He probably needed somewhere to live too🙄

Who he really is is the person you’re seeing now - his mask has slipped because they can’t keep up the act forever. And why should he be on his best behaviour when he knows you’ll take him back?

Honestly op - you need therapy and to ask yourself some hard questions. Either that or roll over and accept his treatment and spend the rest of your life being miserable.

Get rid 💅 he sounds appalling on all fronts. Good luck to you OP

You've done nothing wrong. These control freaks act nice while they suck you in and then show their true colours. It can be insidious.....

He sounds as though he has a drink problem - to what extent it's not clear. But separately from that is how he treats you! Some people drink a bit more than they should but still are respectful partners and human beings. The drink may be causing the bad behaviour or may be a separate issue - but either way you should not have to put up with being spat at! That is the biggest red flag and an immediate out! Totally gross and unforgiveable.

The lack of contribution to bills etc was also a big red flag - but you are where you are. Please tell us you will LTB asap and not let him back home.

Kick him out.
When does your rental agreement end? Move house, don't tell him where you've gone and never look back.

WTF have I just read?!! Why aren’t you already rid?? Sorry am I missing something

Why are you blaming yourself for his shitty behaviour? You are not making him do anything - he is a grown man in control of his own actions - and he chooses to abuse you, shout at you, spit at you. He does it because he doesn’t give a shit about you and he knows he can get away with it. It’s like someone kicking a dog.

You need therapy to work on your self esteem OP - why do you think this is all you’re worth and that it’s somehow your fault? That’s fucked up - it almost sounds like you want to punish yourself. Did you have an abusive childhood or was your parents marriage a similar dynamic?

Right op, you're going to wipe your face, look in the mirror and say out loud "I'm worth more than this". Then you're going to get some black bags and pack up all his stuff, and put it outside. Lock the door behind you with the key left in the lock so he can't come in. Buy a new lock tomorrow/ get someone to fit it for you. Block his number/ all social media. And then you move on with your life. Say to yourself I will no longer allow this man to have any negative affect on my life.

Know your worth. Always. If you were reading this post about someone else, what would you do? You’d tell them to pack his stuff, put it outside the door, text him to pick it up, and tell him you’re done. Block his number and change the locks. You’re lucky in that you don’t have children with him, and you can afford to live by yourself, with the lease in your name. That gives you power, so don’t waste it. Be strong and your confidence will grow on the back of it. You can do it!

This .

You need to focus on yourself and new hobbies, having fun and enjoying life as a single woman.

He's a fucking arsehole. You can survive without him. You can live without him. You can enjoy life without him

Think back to when you were happy. Or visualise a life when you are happy. Describe it. Write it down. What does it look like.

Go out and make it happen.

And if you struggle day to day find someone to check in with every evening. Ring them and commit to another 24 hours without this dick bringing you down.

Give it a week, and you'll start to feel better. Give it a month, and you'll realise life is actually good and there are opportunities out there for you. Give it a year, and you'll be rocking. Life will be different.

Honest. I've been there.

You are far too young to be putting up with this shit...your whole life is ahead of you! And you're amazing, got your shit together, solvent, roof over your head. You deserve so much better. Set yourself the job of improving YOUR life. All that energy you are putting into him...sod it, find a night class or some activities with colleagues, do a bit of online dating or meeting up, book a yoga retreat....whatever floats your boat - and one day it will all come together and you will look back on this and laugh.

He's never been a good man. He's been on good behaviour until he's got his feet under the table with you paying for him and him keeping all his money to drink down the pub.

At my age I should have my together. I don’t want another failed relationship

Sorry mate, it's already failed. It's now just a question of when you're going to kick him out.

I would really like to kick this thing (it certainly isn't a man...) in the bollocks. I feel quite angry on your behalf OP and I wonder if you should try and find your own anger towards this shit stain on the underpants of humanity.

My advice would be to work on your own self worth. It must have taken an absolute battering and you need to bolster it back up to make sure you don't end up back with this ratbag or with a similar bloke. I wish you all the best.

OP my mum has been very very ill, is still very ill and I have been juggling looking after her while she’s in hospital, looking after her house and looking after my own family. My mum is a 3 hour drive away.

None of this is an excuse to be such a Twunt to my partner as yours is to you.

It sounds so awful for you. The lack of support in your life reminds me of my life too (hard to admit this to myself). This is why MN is a great thing for people like us. Take heart that you've been heard here and lots on this thread want you to be happy. I hope you get some sleep tonight and manage a nice bath or listen to some music you like. You are important.

Bless you man. You're looking at this the wrong way. Read your first post again, where in that does it indicate that this relationship is a success?

The more you keep the sponging pisshead cocklodger around the less likely you'll meet someone who will treat you better.

Cut off the Deadwood, kick him out, decompress from it all and get active in your life. There is one out there for you.

Seriously OP you cannot be with a man who spits at you - it is time to put yourself first.