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Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
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5
Viviennemary · 29/03/2024 00:16

Doesn't sound like he is going to change. You say you don't want to end this abusive relationship. So it will be more of the same until you do.

RM2013 · 29/03/2024 00:16

I’m sorry to read you’re in such an awful
relationship. I really can’t see any positives for this man. As hard as it is to leave he won’t ever make you happy

ClairDeLaLune · 29/03/2024 00:13

I don’t want another failed relationship

I’m trying to say this kindly OP, but what part of this relationship is at all a success? It isn’t. Time to cut your losses and get rid. He brings nothing to your life. You can do so much better, really you can, even if you don’t think so now. Please bin him.

Noseybookworm · 29/03/2024 00:09

I'm sorry you're hurting but this isn't love. He's out drinking all hours, verbally abusive and spitting at you. Please don't put up with any more of it, you deserve better.

iwafs · 29/03/2024 00:08

You know how you want him to be how he was, the guy you loved? That guy does not and did not exist. He was the fake one. He lured you in. Having lured you, there was no longer any need for the nice fake version of him. You’re left with a nasty selfish cunt, who you have no chance of happiness with.

you will be happier alone. Chuck the piece of shit out. If he takes your stuff, video it on your phone and tell the police.

you sound like a nice person. You don’t deserve to be with someone so horrible.

Lamelie · 28/03/2024 23:39

God, I’d be SO angry if someone I knew was in your situation.
You are throwing away NOTHING
Your family are crap: that’s not your fault but it has conditioned you to accept really poor behaviour.

hellsBells246 · 28/03/2024 23:32

MissUltraViolet · 28/03/2024 17:55

He spat at you? and he is still living in the house?

Get rid FFS, he sounds like an abusive, drunk loser. You're worth so SO much more.

This. Why are you still with him?!

buidhe · 28/03/2024 23:24

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 22:01

i know it’s not right, I know what I would say to someone in my situation. But Jesus it hurts. To know you’ve given your everything, I’ve tried to make it work. Ive clearly gone wrong somewhere. I know you all say it’s not my fault, but I’ve attracted him,
I’ve built a life with him, there must of been signs. I should have seen them. Im not a stupid person, I’m well educated, ive always held ‘good’ jobs.

You're just human and most of us have kissed a few frogs. Everyone makes a mistake, and many of us will give the benefit of the doubt to see if a relationship will shape up when it has started off well but seems to be faltering. The real mistake to regret would be to stick around with someone who treats you badly. You are worth more and the good life is out there - put your energy into finding it!

6pence · 28/03/2024 23:22

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 22:01

i know it’s not right, I know what I would say to someone in my situation. But Jesus it hurts. To know you’ve given your everything, I’ve tried to make it work. Ive clearly gone wrong somewhere. I know you all say it’s not my fault, but I’ve attracted him,
I’ve built a life with him, there must of been signs. I should have seen them. Im not a stupid person, I’m well educated, ive always held ‘good’ jobs.

You’ve tried too hard. You give too much. Value yourself and demand the same respect that you give them, in your next relationship.
It’s often the case that when you try to please too much, people take advantage and don’t seem to value you. Make sure it’s two sided next time and you don’t give too much of yourself, unless it’s reciprocated.

Anele22 · 28/03/2024 23:22

Please spend some time on yourself, instead of this loser. Find something you like doing - a hobby, where you can meet other people. Make a friend. Be in touch with your family. Be kind to yourself. You need to work on building your own life. Relationships can come later.
Good luck ✊

Hellogoodbyehello4321 · 28/03/2024 23:16

Aww OP, I'm sorry he's such a shit to you. You deserve so much better.

I know you said you don't want another failed relationship but this is a failed relationship - he treats you so badly, shows you so much disrespect, doesn't even contribute to bills. This isn't what a successful relationship looks like.

At 36 you still have time to change things- whether that be as a happy single who knows her worth or with a decent partner who deserves you.

Please don't waste more precious years with this twat. 💐

LuluBlakey1 · 28/03/2024 23:16

You think you love him- you don't really. You want him but not as he is, as another version of himself. The problem is that isn't the real him. The real him is a lazy, lying drunk who spits at you, verbally abuses you, disrespects you (and his own mother), lives off you and does absolutely nothing to enhance your life.

You'll feel much better if you make the decision and take control of this situation. You are worth so much more and deserve someone who will love you, treat you with respect and build a decent partnership with you. It will never be this man- he isn't capable of it.
Change the locks- in this situation that is legal.
Put his stuff in a couple of bin bags. Drop it off at his mum's while he is at work.
Do not give him anything he did not pay for.
Never allow him in your house again- for any reason.
Never speak to him again, or text him, or see him.
If he enters your mind occupy yourself with something (anything) until it passes.
Never look back. Be glad that you got rid of him now.
I'd say move but I know that isn't always easy.
It will be hard for a few weeks but you'll be amazed how quickly it starts to feel better.
You deserve a better life than this.

bonzaitree · 28/03/2024 23:13

An easy LTB from me.

Re the rest of your life- you can work on this WHEN you’re free of this charmer.

catmg · 28/03/2024 23:12

You will not be less happy or stressed alone than you will be for the rest of your life if you spend it with him.

Please take the advice you'd give one of your friends in this situation and leave this horrible man who doesn't value you. You deserve better.

DanielGault · 28/03/2024 23:11

Ohffsbarbara · 28/03/2024 22:34

I love him though. Although the idea of loving who he ‘was

Who he “was” wasn’t real. That was the nice guy act he put on to reel you in and get you emotionally enmeshed with him. He probably needed somewhere to live too🙄

Who he really is is the person you’re seeing now - his mask has slipped because they can’t keep up the act forever. And why should he be on his best behaviour when he knows you’ll take him back?

Honestly op - you need therapy and to ask yourself some hard questions. Either that or roll over and accept his treatment and spend the rest of your life being miserable.

So true. It's amazing the act they can put on until they have you stuck. My mum told me my father changed virtually overnight once he had her 'locked down' with marriage/kids/house. He became a completely different person. And not in a good way. It took her 30 odd miserable years to escape, but she finally did and is living a wonderful life now, the one she always deserved so there's always hope.

Idunkia · 28/03/2024 23:09

An outsider's view of what? I just hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. I voted you were being unreasonable because no one should have to put up with this behaviour. Be reasonable and don't.

HungryandIknowit · 28/03/2024 23:08

Change the locks.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 28/03/2024 23:08

He’s 11 years OLDER than you and wasting your youth.

Hes a gold plated loser.

I feel sorry for you and his mum.

Cantalever · 28/03/2024 23:08

Change the locks, then text him to say when his stuff will be outside the door. Don't let him in. Its over. Get on with your life. You will meet someone much better, but don't be afraid to go it alone for a while until you are ready for a decent relationship with someone with an iota of maturity and emotional intelligence. You can do it OP, and you owe it to yourself.

StormingNorman · 28/03/2024 23:06

You deserve so much more than he can offer. You deserve someone who makes you a priority.

TheFireflies · 28/03/2024 23:00

Absolutely filthy behaviour OP. You already know that you need to ditch this useless dick.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/03/2024 22:57

He's a drunken, abusive cocklodger.

This IS a failed relationship.

It's over, move on and you'll find someone who appreciates and respects you.

Horrible man.

Radiatorsprings11 · 28/03/2024 22:54

This is an abusive relationship. Why is your bar set so low. Don't be heart broken. You need to find your anger. Anger that this man lacks so much respect for you. Spitting in your face? No don't accept it. You deserve so much better. You are better than this. Your life could be so peaceful and calmer without him

3luckystars · 28/03/2024 22:46

You really really should know that you deserve better.

Get rid of him fast while you still can. Please.

ButterflyKu · 28/03/2024 22:42

Oh dear, he sounds like a disgusting person. Why put up with this? You don’t have friends then you try and make some? You don’t have family then create your own? Do not stay in a shitty situation because you feel as if you have no one. Wouldn’t you want to be totally alone then have someone treat you like dirt under their shoe?