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Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
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Wildhorses2244 · 29/03/2024 07:34

Choose the nicest person at your new work and ask them if they'd like to go for lunch one day next week. After the lunch say to them "I was really worried about making new friends here so I'm really glad you're so lovely". Then you have one new friend.

Stop sitting at home waiting for him to come home. Join a bookclub or an exercise class or something one night a week. Buy yourself a takeaway from nice new restaurant on the way home. You'll feel 100% better for doing something for yourself.

willWillSmithsmith · 29/03/2024 07:31

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 18:02

He took some of his stuff the other night. Most of it still here. He says he’s taking everything, including tv.

I have zero friends. Literally nobody. I’m miles away from family- not that they bother with me. I work but relatively new job so don’t really know anyone there. I go to work and come home. I’m not a bad person so why am I the one sat here crying for days on end? At my age I should have my together. I don’t want another failed relationship

You’re in a failed relationship at the moment so you’re not achieving success by staying with him.

I don’t know how you can stand to share space with him to be honest. I’d rather be alone any day.

LoudSnoringDog · 29/03/2024 07:25

Got as far as him spitting at you.

get rid of this useless piece of shit

Copperoliverbear · 29/03/2024 07:23

Spring is a time for new beginnings
Make this your new beginning and change your life today.
Locks changed clothes out.
Take up some hobbies, join some classes you will meet people who have the same interests as you and you will make friends.
You have no confidence and no friends and I bet he loves that.
You need to be strong and get your life back if you have another 50 + years would you still want this life I hope not.

user1492757084 · 29/03/2024 07:18

Without this looser you can spend some of your life doing things that make you happy - like trying out a new restaurant.
Take in a lodger if you have to but live your own life to suit yourself. for a while.
You might meet a reasonable man, who is a keeper, at a hobby group in the next few years.

You will find friends, sleep better and be more content without the continual worry that your current partner causes.

beAsensible1 · 29/03/2024 07:14

Please just get rid of him and stop all these justifications.

oh he was good, his mums sick, I’m a people pleaser, his friend died…SO WHAT?!

how long have you been putting with this nonsense.
find a hobby, put some actual effort into making some friends at work rather than trying to be make a relationship with a drunken loser.

ThatLuckySquid · 29/03/2024 07:09

Sorry but this is a situation of your own making by continually accepting this behaviour. Break up, move on. You will continue to be sad and alone while you’re in this situation, nothing worth doing is easy. Yeah you might be lonely for a bit (but who isn’t after a break up even if you’re surrounded by friends and family) - your in rented, if you don’t like the area, and don’t have kids in school just move… in 1 month you could be somewhere totally new, sounded by new potential friends and away from this totally toxic relationship. If anyone ever spat at me they would immediately be removed from my life, no question.

Copperoliverbear · 29/03/2024 07:07

Please for your own sake change the locks and drop his stuff off at his mums this man is nothing but an alcoholic ponce ( sorry but it's true ) he brings nothing to the table except misery and failed promises.
He drags you down and does nothing but makes you doubt yourself and feel sad.
Start today as the rest of your life get rid of him and he is not worth wasting your life with let him waste his own.

beAsensible1 · 29/03/2024 07:03

Lock him out tonight and end this fucking nonsense.

you are not a doormat and he is a digusting loser.

Read your OP back and imagine it’s a friend, what would you say. Why are you pining for a man who spits at you.

please be serious.

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/03/2024 07:03

You lost me when you said he spat at you. Jesus op, he’s beyond disgusting and you deserve more. You don’t love the real him - you love the him you want him to be, and the him he showed you early on which sadly was fake. Please get rid of this piece of shit.

Craftyy · 29/03/2024 07:03

lul1 · 29/03/2024 06:58

He might be an abusive horrible little man.

But he could be trying to block out trauma. Is he an alcoholic? He may need help / counselling. My husband can never have one drink. Once he starts that's it.

It's ok people saying he's just a dick but we don't actually know him.

So. Fucking. What.

Trauma is not an excuse for spitting at someone and it's not her responsibility to fix him and his "trauma".

I had ptsd. I didn't spit at anyone.

Guavafish1 · 29/03/2024 07:00

He is not a nice guy and is abusing you. You don't really love him but more attached to the scrapes of affection he throws you.

I think you need some counselling to help yourself out of this situation and also call women's aid.

Consider looking up the freedom program.

Do you have any hobbies or volunter? These are ways of meeting people and forming friendships.

You deserve better and not from him!

BombBiggleton · 29/03/2024 06:58

It's easy to get angry with you about accepting this awful abuse - which is what is happening..you are being abused.

We have to remember though, low self esteem and confidence leads a person to accept all kinds of disgraceful behaviour.

You are obviously very worried about being 36 and being on your own..you need counselling to understand why this is, and why you find it difficult to form friendships.

It goes without saying that you should kick this disgusting thug out of your life, I hope you feel strong enough to do this soon.

lul1 · 29/03/2024 06:58

He might be an abusive horrible little man.

But he could be trying to block out trauma. Is he an alcoholic? He may need help / counselling. My husband can never have one drink. Once he starts that's it.

It's ok people saying he's just a dick but we don't actually know him.

rootsandwings89 · 29/03/2024 06:48

He is abusive, get rid of him please!

Look up the domestic abuse power and control wheel, you will very likely see a lot of things you recognise on there.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/03/2024 06:48

MouseMama · 29/03/2024 06:02

He sounds utterly intolerable. Far better to be single than wasting your time with a man like him. Ask the LL to change the locks so he can’t come back given the house is in your name and he doesn’t pay rent. Then find yourself a hobby that you’d like to join and sign up to a club to build your self esteem and maybe make a friend.

This! I’d report the spitting to the 101 police number too so there is a record if he starts making trouble for you.

Thefutureisourownpath · 29/03/2024 06:46

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:58

not married. Rented house but all in my name

You need to pack up his stuff and send him a message to say it is over. Then block him on everything.

I don’t say this will be easy but the only way to heal from this awful abusive relationship is proper therapy and NC.

Take time off work if needed.

Read back what you wrote this isn’t love it isn’t even like - this is awful.

I wish you peace but this relationship is not 0 or even -1 impact on your life but totally -10 or worse.

my lovely - value yourself more, you don’t deserve this, you can’t change an abusive, nasty drunk you can’t make him a decent person - that a dead end. Accept it. And value yourself more.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/03/2024 06:46

Leave him, try and build yourself back up. There must be a reason you don’t have a friend in your life - therapy will help you work on it. (Not talking about your family - they should support you whatever) Try and get some hobbies/volunteering.

He is not a good person. Spitting at you should have been the end.

StopStartStop · 29/03/2024 06:41

Edited
So, he's out of the house? Good!

Pipecleanerrevival · 29/03/2024 06:41

The best years of your life are ahead of you OP. You are so young. All the good things are still to come. Get rid of this guy and move onwards and upwards. Once he’s gone and you are free you can figure out what you want from life and how to achieve it. Best of luck to you.

RedMark · 29/03/2024 06:37

Better single than with this monstrosity.

MiltonNorthern · 29/03/2024 06:37

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 22:28

I love him though. Although the idea of loving who he ‘was’. I could probably say the same about him… im not like girls he’s dated previously. I don’t spend my time I. The pub looking for someone.

No you don't. Come on. The person you 'love' doesn't exist. You don't actually love the person he is.

Imfreetofeelgood · 29/03/2024 06:13

Act swiftly OP - the locks need changing. This is domestic abuse - ring Womens Aid for advice. You are worth so much more. Once rid, please consider staying single, and working on your self esteem. Call the police if he returns to remove your stuff, or is verbally ir physically abusive. Spitting is assault and a sign of utter contempt.

MouseMama · 29/03/2024 06:02

He sounds utterly intolerable. Far better to be single than wasting your time with a man like him. Ask the LL to change the locks so he can’t come back given the house is in your name and he doesn’t pay rent. Then find yourself a hobby that you’d like to join and sign up to a club to build your self esteem and maybe make a friend.

leafybrew · 29/03/2024 05:41

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/03/2024 18:55

You are worth so much more than this @StuckHurtDone ❤

Plus points:

  1. He has already left and taken some of his stuff
  2. The house is in your name only and you are able to pay everything on your own.
  3. You will have proof that he has contributed sweet f.a. to rent/bills.
  4. You have a job to support yourself.

I would find a locksmith ASAP- change the locks. Probably even worth trying to get one tonight even if it costs extra.

Bag up anything that's left of his and leave it outside the house.

If/when he comes round, he won't be able to enter as the locks will have been changed.

If he becomes abusive/threatening call the police and tell them he has form for this and you feel unsafe.

Best of luck!

This is such a sensible and practical response OP - please take it on board.

Your partner is not going to change at 47 and someone who can't be bothered caring for his own family will not be caring towards you.

At 36 years old you have plenty of time to meet someone who is kind/hard-working and fun. Not someone who treats you appallingly. :(