Broken beyond belief

Also, report the spitting to the police. You don't need to take it further, but if it kicks off when you kick him out (and please do - you deserve so much better than the way he's been treating you) you have a trail of evidence/incidents.

Let him go. It’s not a failed relationship. Its freedom. You sound exhausted. See it as an opportunity to turn your life around. Try new hobbies you will make friends. It seems scary now but it will get better.

Oh dear god, love. Why? How??

How do women find themselves in these horrifying messes with these utter shits?

You are better than this.

You are worth more.

You are fine.

He. Is. Vile. Abusive and controlling, financially using you, dominating, draining you dry, spitting at you??

Do you have anyone to turn to who can help and emotionally support you?

Please read this:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Change the locks to your house
Bag up his stuff
And get him out

Ring the police 101, just to give them the heads up just incase it kicks off, tell him you've done this.

This man sounds absolutely awful. The ‘failed relationship’ is all him. Getting him to leave will be something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Honestly he has ground you down and you have lost perspective. Please get rid of this awful man. I believe your self esteem has taken such a knock which is why you don’t have any friends. But you are worthy of friends, and once you get rid of this guy and the disproportionate amount of energy he is zapping from you, you will be able to focus on you and the life you actually want x

He sounds like scum. Spitting at you? You need to get rid of this piece shit before you do anything else.

@StuckHurtDone I’ve said YABU. because come on. He’s shown you what an arse he is and you’re still hanging on looking for change. Change the locks while he’s gone. Never let him back in. Get some self respect and enjoy your life. Being single is way more fun than the life you’re drudging your way through unloved and disrespected. Being used for money.

Get rid of the man in your house: he's not a partner because he doesn't add anything and it's not an equal mutually respectful relationship.
Then as others said focus on yourself. Join a class or hobby group and chat to people, ask at work if anyone wants to go for a drink, you sound lovely and you will make friends. It takes time.
Let your mum know you feel uncared for and would like more support. She may not be able to give it but if you don't ask you don't know.

If its your 'boyfriend: saying his mum wants to see you, that could be tactics from him to reel you back in.

You need to get this man out of your house, and out of your life, immediately. He is an abusive, drunken, lout.

his mum asked if I could visit her today.

Yeah don't do this OP. She wants rid of him.
Bag his stuff, change the locks and block him and his mum. Life is too short to waste it on twats.

You sound kind and he doesn’t deserve you at all.
I agree with making a list of what you need and want in your life and start working on it. Do you have any hobbies? Are there any local groups you could join? This can be a good way of finding friends with similar interests.
Seeing his mum doesn’t sound like a good idea today xx

Don't go to his mother. She may want to genuinely see you. Or she may be getting you out of the flat so he can go and clear it out while you're not there. Wait till the locks are changed.

Sweetheart, stop this. He manipulates situations so that you are the bad guy and you believe him and try to be better- try to anticipate his "needs" and what will/won't make him mad at you. You spend your entire life treading on egg shells around him, waiting for the odd bit of affection that he throws your way on occasion, just to make you still hang on waiting for the guy you fell in love with to return.
But he never actually existed. Or if he did, he certainly doesn't now.

You are doing something wrong. But it's wrong for you, not for him. He likely has addiction issues and living with you facilitates him having the life he wants. But you are in a partnership that you are getting nothing from. Many relationships have one person giving more than the other- but you are giving everything and getting nothing back. I know right now you're thinking of the odd occasion he has been nice to you in order to prove me wrong because that is the kind of person that you are.

Making the first move to get rid will be very hard for you. Sticking to your guns will be hard for you. But, please do it. Life will improve I promise. This emotional abuse of you has to stop. Do not see his mum for her to reinforce that you are a bad person. Seek out some support groups, counselling etc. Time to look after you.

Best of luck x

Sounds like you have two things going on here- a bad boyfriend and the self esteem and loneliness issues that lead to bad boyfriend choices.
First most pressing issue is to get rid. you are nearly there on that! bob his things out the front and don't let him in again. Don't let him steal anything you have bought!! if the telly is yours keep it. call the police if he's abusive on pick up of his stuff or tries to steal your things.
DON'T go and see his Mum today! if you need an excuse pretend you've been exposed to something infectious at work, workmate just rang they have scarlet fever/shingles/whatever you don't want to pass it on. Send her a nice card if you genuinely like her but don't go round.
Deal with the break up in the here an now and then on making friends and healing yourself. You are a strong, brave woman who had the guts to relocate, you have a good job, you are in your prime.

i see my family (occasionally) but they don’t bother in between these visits- and don’t check in. I told my mum about all of this last week and she hasn’t once rang or text to check on me.
i have no friends because thats the way its always been. I’ve had people I ‘know’ but not the kind that we meet up. I guess im just not their type of person

This part really resonated with me. That was me, 5 years ago. I left my alcoholic, beligerant, gaslighting partner and do you know what? Loads of people liked me and wanted to hang about with me, my family loved and cared for me - I was just so tired and worn out trying to keep the relationship going because I felt it was all I had that I couldn't see it. And that I felt the relationship was the only thing I had wasn't a coincidence, he made me feel that way.

For people who can't function properly as adults its 101 behaviour. Its not the mask slipping, its the only way these parasites can survive. The script is something like this: find someone with the resources to give him the life he wants, behave absolutely impeccably for as much time as needed to bond them to him, he'll do some subtle stuff to lower your self esteem. He'll then start behaving a little bit badly to test boundaries, nothing too outrageous - it'll all be forgivable. If that's worked he'll do some slightly less subtle stuff to further lower your self esteem and behave a bit more badly and so on down the hellish spiral until you're being called names and spat at by a drunk and wondering if you deserve it, all the while providing bed and board.

The good part of this story is that in the end they always go too far and suddenly we see it for what it is and it gives us the strength to fling them out.
I binned my ex partner 4 years ago and my life is brilliant, full of people who like me and love me and my confidence is soaring.
He on the other hand, moved into an other woman's house. She looks progressively more tired every time I see her, she's seeing less and less of our mutual friends and so his merry dance continues.

Sorry, this is an essay. Your story touched me. I hope it gets better for you, OP.

@StuckHurtDone so sorry to read your post. You absolutely have not done anything wrong.

you said in one of your replies to other pp that you have no friends of family nearby, which I think you are saying is one of the reasons you haven’t kicked him out yet, because you then wouldn’t have anyone around - is that right? From what you have posted, he isnt around you due to spending all his time in the pub. And when he is around you, he behaves disgustingly towards you.

Break Ups are always difficult, often even if we are being treated badly. But you do have the strength to get rid of him. You deserve so much better.

the bright side - you said the house is in your name, as that you are paying all the rent and bills anyway, and that he rarely contributes anything. It’s great that you will be fine financially without him, which is a massive plus!

with him gone, you can look into getting into a hobby locally to meet other people. Maybe a book club, a team sport, community garden/ other volunteering or something else that takes your fancy. Focus on what makes you happy because as I said, you deserve so much more.

Can you just tell his mother that you're pretty upset about everything and will be taking the bank holiday to reset and relax. Maybe you'll catch up with her next week. You don't owe her anything. You're an adult and can choose who you see when, she isn't in a position to summon you to anything.

Then use this time to rest and relax. I'm sure he's probably thinking he can get his mum to talk you round so he can carry on with his cushy life with you without having to apologise .

You do not owe his mother anything. Go or don't go, but you don't have to. You don't have to care about what he says about you to his mother, because his drama has nothing to do with you.

I would spend the long weekend away from home - go somewhere else and just hang out on the beach or in the countryside or anywhere, and think about what you want from your life. Make a list - live somewhere convenient, have a group of friends, have a decent nice DP, have children, have no children and an aquarium, eat takeaway every Friday night - whatever - and then start putting it together.

I suspect it won't include your current guy because I don't think anybody would put him on a list of what they want from life.

someone said lout which is exactly the word I’d use for him. Kick him out asap. You’re worth way more than he’ll ever live up to. The spitting would be the straw that broke the camels back for me. Disgusting, degrading, horrible behaviour

Without being rude do you think you are too passive? Firstly with the making friends thing and secondly saying you’ll have to sit there and listen to her justify his actions, you have a voice lady, please use it. Start to prioritise yourself, not in a selfish way but treat yourself as you would treat a best friend.