Broken beyond belief

I’m afraid you’ll NEVER find any sort in of happiness with him. You need to throw him out. He’s gas lighting you and messing with your head.

it’ll be hard initially but in the long term the only way to happiness.

once you are a bit stronger you can move areas, nearer to family? Join a club to make friends. Find something you like to do, a hobby, a sport. Small steps

Boot him

He brings nothing but misery to your life and he only cares about himself

And he SPAT at you. Twice!

You will be happier on your own.

All of it was awful before, but when he SPAT at you, that should have been the final mail in the coffin. You can’t come back from this.

Please please please change the locks today. Call up a locksmith and tell them that you are ending an abusive relationship and need the locks changed for your safety. It’s a bank holiday weekend but there will be locksmiths on call.

Do not let him take everything in the house. He hasn’t contributed anything to rent/bills etc so even if he claims he paid for the TV, well tough luck, you paid for everything else to run the house. Bag up his clothes/toiletries/personal belongings and tell him they will be outside the front door on a certain day/time for him to collect, but that he will not step foot inside the house.

Thank the Lord that you are not married, don’t share children, he is not on the lease. What a relief, so many people are not this lucky and it gives you a chance at quicker split and you can block him and forget he existed.

I know it’s daunting when you don’t have a support network of close family and friends nearby. I totally understand that you feel scared and alone. But surely being alone and peaceful is better that the suffering this twat is putting you through. Once he is out of your life and the dust has settled you can make finding some new local friends your priority, take up some new hobbies etc. And Mumsnet is here to hold your hand while you do it. Keep posting and taalking to us xxx

I could never afford counselling.

In that case, can I recommend The Freedom Programme? It's free and you can do it online: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/. Something in your past OP, perhaps your own father's abandonment of you when you challenged his shitty behaviour, has made you accept such poor treatment by your current partner. For you to heal and have a better life in future, it's worth digging into why you've accepted this disgusting treatment so you can prevent it happening again in future.

This man will drain the life out of you. You must convince yourself somehow that he is not worth giving house room to. And you have to find the strength to tell him it's over and to take the rest of his stuff and get out. And stop paying his bloody phone contract!!!

I am genuinely clueless as to why I struggle to make friends. I get along with people, but not enough to make it a friendship? I could walk into a social setting and talk to anyone, and I would always receive comments of oh she’s so nice etc
but nothing comes of it.

But are you reaching out to them?
Do you ever follow up these meetings and suggest a walk, a coffee, a trip to the cinema?

What do you enjoy doing?

There are loads of groups around- walking groups, dancing classes, keep fit, yoga, drama, choirs, etc, even volunteering (at weekends or in the evenings.)

Have a look on Facebook for what's on in your area.

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

Well I've not even read the thread yet, but I am fully expecting 11 solid pages of LTB, yes. Weren't you?

I'm not sure what sort of 'outsiders view' you were expecting that might differ from LTB, really.

He's a disgusting, lazy, drunken, good for nothing, misogynistic leech and a cocklodger who has zero respect for you. That's my outsider view and I imagine it's everybody else's too.

So what are you going to do about it?

I voted YABU because you seem prepared to put up with this shit. You don’t want another failed relationship? You’re in one. No moving past being spat at, he has utter contempt for you. Thank God you haven’t yet fallen pregnant to this loser, come to your senses and boot him out home to his Mummy.

I am exactly the same as this. I have friends but I'm easily forgotten and am never the centre of the group. I recently split up with my long term partner. It's hard, it's really horribly hard and some days I think it would be easier to be back together and unhappy but not lonely, but I just keep telling myself that I am a great person with a lot to offer and deserve better - and it will get better.

Don't undersell yourself. You are worth more and you can do this.

Your failed relationship has feck all to do with you though!

Op it's not the same as counselling but you could access peer support through a couple of routes

Freedom programme - helps you to recognise and address how you end up in abusive relationships
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Al Anon, for people affected by someone else's drinking
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

If your family use social media to arrange social things I can see why you get left out. I have a friend who won't even use WhatsApp, and arranging stuff with her in a group is a PITA. Everyone else can be on a WhatsApp group chat and I have to go to and fro with emails or text messages with her.

Even DH is on Messenger (but not Facebook).

i havnt done anything wrong have i
having sucker tattooed on your forehead wasn’t a good idea 😥

I could never afford counselling.

A lot of counselling practices offer reduced rates for clients if they work with counsellors who are still training (with supervision.)

You can also access a lot of self-help online for free - start googling 'How to take control of my life, get out of an abusive cycle, build my self-worth' etc.

Come on- you can do this.

Let's see if by 10am you can get those dishes in the sink, get them washed, tidy up, brush your hair, make yourself look (and feel) good- best foot forward.

It's a fresh start- you can do this.

sorry wrong thread

I wouldn't normally quote so much of someone's post, but this is gold. Especially the last paragraph. You have so many years ahead to find a happy you. It starts with ridding yourself of this abusive man. Then finding what makes you happy by yourself. Don't be scared of a "failed relationship". The alternative is living it everyday, and you deserve far more than that.

He’s a drunk, abusive cocklodger.

Dump him now.

If his mum wants to see you, ask her to meet you for a coffee in a cafe.

Somewhere neutral. On your terms.

Stop agonising and jumping to what other people want. Be a bit more assertive.

And, being blunt, when you split up with this man (which you must) she isn't going to be in your life really any more, is she?

OP - reading your updates on no friends (and little contact with your family) do you think you give out an aura of not being interested?

It comes over in your posts as if you are waiting for other people to reach out to you. Maybe you have no friends because you aren't making any moves to make friends. Maybe you come over as distant or aloof?

You're also hanging on to this man because you have no one else.
If you had friends, they'd be there to support you and give you a sense of perspective. They'd be worried about you.

I know this might sound critical, but you have to learn to make friends. Don't wait for people to reach out for you.

If you rely on a man to fill all the gaps in your life, then that's partly why you are so scared of the relationship ending- and also why you're putting up with being treated like shit.

At 36, it sounds as if you have a history of being treated badly.

Time to do some self-analysis as to why you have ended up with this man, allowed him to treat you badly, and have no one else to turn to.

You know her and we don't but is there a chance if he's spending more time there and regularly turning up drunk that she is worried about him and wants to talk to you about it without him there?

I would just like to say though, imagine a day without all this worry about him. Just imagine how free you would feel.

you moved following a breakup and by the sounds of things started a relationship with him very shortly afterwards. I get the feeling you don't really know who you are any more.

Dump him and find out.

From the perspective of an outsider, he sounds like a useless, pointless, alcoholic, abusive twat. Your life will continue to be miserable if you remain with him.

Sometimes, to maintain healthy friendships, you have to be the proactive one, not passively wonder why no-one else makes the effort. Again, from an outsider’s perspective, your passivity with regards to friendships outside your current unhealthy partnership with a waste of space, probably comes across as you being the one who is not interested enough to make any effort or take any friendship risks. Somehow, you need to get yourself into a mindset where you proactively leave this man and proactively make more effort with other friendships that do not involve you moving in with someone miles from anyone else you know and focusing on just the one, pointless person who gives you nothing but grief and excuses.

Do you think perhaps you’ve made excuses for him because he’s lost his best friend and his mum is ill?

No amount of grief/stress/hardship makes his behaviour in any way excusable. Can you imagine spitting at someone? How much would you have hate them to make that somehow seem acceptable? Get rid of him.

OP, it seems to me that you have lived a fair bit of your life waiting. And then being disappointed.
Waiting for your dad to drop by.
Waiting for your relatives to check up on you
Waiting for friendships to develop
Waiting for this dreadful drunk to come to his senses. (Even though you know he never will)

It’s good you got angry with your dad. It’s good you moved area after your last break up. That’s exactly that potential inside you, that you have to resurrect and use right now.
Finish this relationship properly today. Text him to collect the dregs of his life in bin bags from your doorstep and to post his key through the letter box.
Tell his mum it’s over because he’s an abusive alcoholic who spits on you as he’s incapable of communication.
Then block them both and never see/speak to them again.
I know that’s hard but you really do have to do it for your future self.
From today, you are investing in your future.

OP, you deserve a million times better than the life you are living.
Take your time to get over this hurt. Read about how to help yourself. All efforts should go to that and to your job for now. You may need help from counselling.
Then, eventually, you can learn how to be a little more proactive with family and potential friends so that decent relationships fill your life. You can do this.
You are young enough to turn your life around so don’t look back. Good luck !