Broken beyond belief

You deserve so much better than this, take this opportunity to turn your life around,. The two things on your side, you’re not married to him and the house is in your name. Pack his stuff up, change the locks and don’t let him back in. How old is he? Only a child needs play money, however the title of child fits him, he’s behaving like a child.

Err no - he was dead already. Less than 10% of people survive a cardiac arrest outside of hospital. You tried. It didn't work. Health professionals get taught that the person is already dead and you're just trying to resurrect them. There is a study where even after CPR inside a hospital ICU only 26.9% survive to be discharge from hospital.

See your GP. Tell them you can't afford counselling, and that you have no support network. Look into some support from charities like Women's Aid, or the BHF.

OP, in the UK only 10% of people in the UK who suffer an out of hospital arrest survive. CPR is not designed to bring them back, its designed to prevent brain death by keeping the brain supplied with blood until medical folk come along to do the stuff that actually brings them back. 45 mins of CPR is incredible and gave that person a fighting chance. Whether he lived or died was never in your hands in the first place.

The fact that the casualty was a close friend of a partner who has treated you like this isn't a coincidence. The misplaced guilt you feel has allowed this horrible relationship to take root.

Op, I’ve been where you are now and I completely understand how hard it is to let go of the man you thought he was and the life you thought you’d have.
But this is who he is, and this is the life you will have if you stay with him. He won’t change, and you’ll be miserable. Is that what you want for life?
You’re 36. You have more life ahead of you than behind. This is where you need to be brave and choose a better future for yourself. I totally understand how hard it is to make new friends, but you’ve a much better chance of doing that when your emotions are stable and not constantly being thrown into a cycle of things being ok, then bad, then awful. It will take time for you to rebuild, but you will, I promise!
This man is an abuser. He doesn’t care about you one jot.
Kick him out. Grieve what you thought you would have, of course it will hurt for a while. But it will pass, and will be nothing like the pain this man will inflict on you for as long as you stay with him xxx

This is what happens when someone is subjected to years of abuse. Slowly boiling the frog etc. it causes people to literally question their own sanity. My mother only left when she started to starve herself. She told me after that food was the only thing she felt she could control. Abusers are extremely adept at manipulating their targets over time so much so that up is down and so on.

Every poster that has responded thinks you are important or they wouldn't have bothered.

The problem is, you don't think that. You place no value on your feelings or on YOU.

Please read the posts carefully

If you get him out you will certainly feel lighter

Read the links for counselling and advice.

Put one foot forward today and make a start.

Tomorrow put the other one. And so on till you're walking towards your new life

Your in an abusive relationship. Please take one step and change the locks and leave his stuff at his mums

You are only being unreasonable to give this waste of skin any headspace.

He’s got you where he wants you - he relies on you ‘not being the sort’ to kick up a fuss.

Can you name two positive things he brings to your life?

Please take this time to pack his shit and close the door on him permanently. You do not need to be responsible for him and his actions. Stop rescuing and fixing his messes he’s clearly not grateful. In fact he’s resentful of it.

Why are you questioning this? Of course it’s awful. Do you like being treated like this? Then end it. What’s holding you back?

I'm sorry, WHAT?! He SPAT at you?? Jesus Christ OP, you poor thing. That is absolutely not okay, and not in any way excusable. Is he normally such a lout?

I can understand he's upset about his mum (even if he doesn't really do anything useful for her), and having already lost his dad, he's probably very sensitive to every twinge and illness she has. And grief (for one parent already lost, and perhaps another soon on the way) can make people behave in really strange ways.

I don't really know what the answer is OP. But you sound so beaten down and fed up. Sending your love and a handhold.

@Ohffsbarbara See it's trauma.

OP, you need and deserve counselling. It sounds like you were understandably traumatised by what happened. Please contact your GP and explain to them what happened. Ask what support they can refer you for. Contact your local branch of Mind, they are fantastic.

It is not your fault that the man died. Once someone goes into cardiac arrest there is something like a 10% chance that they will survive. It is not the norm. You did everything that you could have - 45 minutes of CPR is really above and beyond.

It is great that you confronted your dad about his terrible parenting. Try to access that anger at being mistreated again and leave your awful partner. He too is lacking and treating you poorly.

I'd pop along to your local church on Easter Sunday and see what they have going on during the week. Our local church does loads of midweek groups, lunches, churchyard working parties, befriending of housebound elderly people etc. They can be real community hubs and people are usually very friendly.

Your self esteem sounds low, op. It’ll only get worse while you’re with this nasty abusive waste of space. You deserve better! Being on your own would be 10x better than this- embrace that! If, in time, you find someone worthy of you then that’s great too. But focus on yourself right now. This man is awful.

It’s NOT your job to “fix” him. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m another one suggesting you do the Freedom Programme (google it) and stay safe, strong and single while you work on your confidence and self respect.
You can do it and you are worth it.
Good luck. X

So not being unreasonable. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I think you must have very low self esteem to put up with such behaviour. It is not acceptable and I agree with all posts saying to end the relationship. He spat at you, he is abusive and doesn't show you any consideration this is not how relationships work.

Your choice of a partner is making you cry. Get rid of him, no one should be with him. Why do you volunteer?

*and not I

Get in touch with Victim Support. The staff there are trained to deal with your matters. I will give you good advice. X

Stuckhurtdone You are already in a failed RL ! Spitting and general abuse is absolutly unacceptable .You are better off alone anyway.Honestly you are a young woman with her whole life in front of her,dont throw it away on this loser another minute

How do you think it was 'your watch'?

You aren't (I assume ) a nurse, dr or a trained medic.

You went to help a neighbour.

Being on a 'watch' is if it's your professional role.
It wasn't.

Are you staying with your boyfriend as some kind of way of punishing yourself for that experience? A way of trying to redeem yourself for what you see as a failure? Because the man who died was a friend of your boyfriend?

If so, you need to talk this through with a professional.

It's muddled thinking and you've got some work to do on your emotions and mental health.

He sounds like your teenage son not a partner. He's not behaving in any way shape or form like a partner. Go visit his mum. Take ALL his stuff with you and leave it there. Every single thing. Call a locksmiths and have the barrel changed on your front door.

You have to kiss some frogs to find the Prince. You don't settle for the frog because its hard to spot the Prince in amongst all the toads and frogs.

Write a list of traits and behaviours you want in an ideal life partner. Eg kind, good with money, good communication etc type traits

Then type a list of traits that are unacceptable eg abusive, spitting at you, swearing at you, name calling etc. Then tick him of mentally on your list. Bet there's way more negative than positive.

Keep the list and get rid early on when they display the unacceptable traits.

Exactly what I came here to say. I’m an ex-EMT, the reality is that most people don’t “come back”…medical shows paint an unrealistic picture! But OP tried, which is amazing and selfless.
OP, I think you may have a form of PTSD, please talk openly and honestly to your GP as I think you need a hand with this, and getting this sorted may help your confidence in other areas. Sending you so much love and strength. xx

Get him out. He has absolutely zero respect for you. You are worth more that this.

Wow. 45 minute CPR. You are made of strong stuff. There was nothing that you did that was wrong there. Do not beat yourself up about that.

If he has a key , get the locks changed. Get rid.

Get rid, you deserve better and cut contact with his mother as well