Broken beyond belief

Could he be a functioning alcoholic? I'd advise you to look at Al anon for support for yourself and you might find when speaking to others that he probably is x

Oh this is so awful and I'm so sorry to read this. You sound lovely and deserve so much better. Wishing you so much strength to get through this and move on with your life.

xxx

I don't doubt there were signs, you might as well have had a placard round your neck saying 'I am vulnerable and ripe for exploitation', but that does not have to go on being the case.

It doesn't have to be. You have control over who comes into your house. Why are you putting up with him?

That's very thought provoking stuff. My Mum is 'nice', my dad had lost his mother young and had to 'bring up' 9 younger kids when she died. He was 14 afaik. Thank you for the perspective.

I wonder do you rely on being 'needed' as form of self worth.
You met this man at a funeral where he was grieving his deceased friend.

You were lovely and nice. Maybe it was good to feel needed.

But maybe your partner wanted someone to love him, but he didn't necessarily want to love somebody in return.

High maintenance abusive men target women who are very nice and who put their own needs aside.

It's nothing to do with you as a person, you need to accept that.

You were somewhat targeted by a needy user of a man who was looking for a mother figure to continue having someone else to shoulder his responsibilities while he acts like a teenager.

You were penalised for being loving and caring.

Women are natural caregivers. We are socialised to be nice and loving and we often taught by our mothers to put our needs aside for rude, dismissive, absent, sick or drunk men.

It might suit a person to do that too, because then we don't have to face our own struggles in life.
The man becomes a distraction and a 'project'. We can fabricate a life around them and we demand very little of them.

You are not to blame here.
You did your very very best to help that dying man.
You need to forgive yourself and make peace with that.

Don't let yourself be defined by one event.
You don't need to keep trying to make it up to the world somehow.

You were enough already and you are still enough.

I know you're trying to kind/ helpful here, but your friend 's cancer has nothing to do with OP's situation. OP will act only when she comes to that realisation. It usually takes a few attempts to leave an abusive partner. And sadly no amounts of of other people's sick friends will magically make that happen (your post particularly struck a chord with me as my mum's friend got cancer and died from it, leaving two teenage girls with no parent) but it still took years after that until mum reached her 'rock bottom '. No amount of guilt will work, it has to be one's own personal decision/ realisation imo. Sorry again to hear of your friend's situation.

Just dump him FFS

In the kindest way op you are being a martyr and a victim...please stop

You are a perfectly able and capable young woman of 36 with a home in your name and a job, turn the leaf
Stop talking down to yourself
Dump him today, do not discuss, just do it.
Focus on building friendships and career.
Ignore men for a long time
Enjoy the life you have

I am so sorry if l sound blunt, but a lovely friend at your age has cancer and wants to live so much, you have a perfectly good life and are passively being a victim.....please, please stop and start leading a better life with higher standards.

Stop giving a fuck what he or anyone else thinks and BUILD YOUR BEST LIFE

Thank goodness. Makes the next steps much easier.

Yeah, LTB

He’s 47 with no stable income, relies on you to keep him and earns just enough pocket money to let him go to the pub. It certainly isn’t you who doesn’t have their life together!

Can you afford counselling if you’re not supporting this man child? You are stuck with yourself your whole entire life so it’s worth investing in you.

Yes you have done something wrong. You haven't kicked him out! Sorry but if he'd spat at me he would have been ejected out the front door with my foot up his arse!
You need to change the locks immediately. So no, he won't be taking the TV. If he's left any of his stuff leave it outside the front door. Preferably when it's raining.
Surely being on your own would be better than with this filthy disgusting parasite.

Get that bloody phone contract of his cancelled whilst you’re at it.

Cheeky sod that he is.

Thats the spirit op - get outside, it’s a nice day. Go and buy yourself a big Easter egg for later - I have a wispa one waiting in the fridge!

He’s got a drink problem and you are really really not thinking clearly or rationally staying with this man in your life.
He literally brings nothing to your life.
The absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get rid of him and move on living your life for you. What are you expecting to happen here long term? A magical improvement? He isn’t capable of being who you want him to be. Lots of luck to you op xx

Surviving CPR is highly, highly unlikely. According to this study, it's 12%. People think it's more. Give yourself a break OP, not your fault one bit https://www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/patients-overestimate-the-success-of-cpr/

You tried to save a man’s life, cpr isn’t easy and it isn’t as successful as the telly makes it out to be,

His main relationship is with alcohol, it will always come first, he verbally abuses you and now the aggression has started, spitting at you..abusive.

Don’t go and see his mother, you know she’s going to plead his case for him, she’s probably sick of him herself and wants him out from under feet.
Instead spend the time doing something for yourself, anything, it doesn’t matter what it is, so long as it isn’t what someone else expects or wants you to do.

The chances of reviving someone who is in need of CPR and you're just a bystander are something like 6% @StuckHurtDone. It's incredibly rare to save someone outside a hospital setting and/or with no defibrillator to hand. So you should a) give yourself a huge pat on the back for trying and b) not feel bad. The fact is, you responded to the call from your neighbour and you gave that person a chance. You tried your best! But the odds were massively stacked against you succeeding and you shouldn't feel bad about the outcome.

Get through the day OP. Don't mess about vsisitng the mother.

I’ve come back to the thread to check up on you op only to find several more pages of wise mumsnetters saying the exact same thing. Is it sinking in yet?
Many of the women here have been through the exact same shit in relationships and know what they’re talking about - to end this shit show is the only way to go.

OP - I wouldn’t have even known what to do in that situation. You knew cpr and performed it until the paramedics came. So he had the best possible chance with you there. He still died - he would’ve died regardless. People die every day - it was in no way your fault - it wasn’t “your watch” you just happened to live next door.
Has that dickhead insinuated you are in some way to blame? What was he doing whilst you were performing cpr, hmm?

You sound depressed to me (it’s not surprising given what you’ve been dealing with), you seem to have a very negative view of yourself - do you think talking to the gp might help?

Please don’t take this horrible excuse for a person back op. Now is the perfect time to bag up his stuff and get him out whilst he’s at his mums. And don’t visit her - she’ll not be in your life if you boot him out anyway so what’s the point. If you feel like it just send her a text briefly explaining what he’s done and that the relationship is over, wish her the best and then block her. You have to do this as he’ll use her as another way to manipulate and wheedle his way back in.

I’m sending you a massive hug through the invisible tethers of MN - and I’m a good hugger as I have big boobs and chunky arms so imagine me giving you a big warm squeeze and letting you have a little cry on my shoulder my love xxx we are all here for you

This doesn’t have to be your life OP❤️

You are not God, love, you don't have the power of life and death. You did your best, you tried your hardest. That he didn't survive is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad or even feel a small sense of 'failure', no, maybe 'regret' is better word, that's normal. But you shouldn't hate yourself for it.

And perhaps I'm being all psychobabble, but do you think you may have some sort of 'saviour thing'? Perhaps you felt you had a 'mission to save' the cocklodger who is now causing you such pain.

I hold my own hand up as being previously guilty of thinking I could change a loser into a winner with the 'power of my love'. It turns out it was all about my own (at that time) low self esteem. Somehow I felt if I could 'save' some man that meant I was a worthwhile person. Counseling taught me different and I was able to get rid of that self destructive behaviour. I learnt to value myself and as a result learnt to choose men who would value me as a person worthy of being loved and respected.

You say you can't afford counseling. To my way of thinking, you can't afford NOT to have counseling. I'm not in the UK but I'm sure the resources are out there. Start with the Freedom Programme that has helped so many women. Start by reading 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.

And please don't see his mother. You need to be severing all connections to him, and that includes his mother. There is nothing she can say to you that will be helpful in your situation.

Oh, sweetheart... Please reread your original text, then imagine this story being relayed to you by a woman you care about; your best friend, or grown daughter... What advice would you give them? Would you tell them to stay with this so-called man and put up with this treatment? I think not. You deserve so much more. Also, instead of thinking of this as a failed relationship, please try to think of the steps you know you need to take, as you regaining your self respect, and independence; treating yourself with kindness... Good luck x

You didn't fail, lovely, you gave him a chance until the paramedics got there.

Wallow for today, and be kind to yourself, it sounds like you need it. Turn your phone off so that he can't contact you. Tomorrow, get the locks changed and bag up the rest of his stuff.