Broken beyond belief

Everyone has much bigger problems than mine. I would hate to waste the time of a Good Samaritan when someone who needs their time more than me goes without

There will always be someone in a worse situation than you but I your situation is genuinely really bad. You mustn't underestimate how bad it is and how badly it's making you feel. Sorry if it's already been suggested but can you write everything down. Do pros and cons of what you can do.

Don't go anywhere near the Mums.

They're not like that at all. There can be a bit of a wait sometimes, but it's good to be able to offload on someone completely objective. It's what they're there for.

Is there nothing free you can do in your area op? Any museums/galleries?

You could go and offer to do a few days volunteering in a charity shop or something just to get you out of the house.

Is there honestly no one (family/friends) you could meet for a coffee? Are you sure you’re not assuming you’ve got no one when actually there are people who’d love to hear from you? When you’re in a negative mindset and have been in an abusive situation it’s easy to convince yourself you are not worth anyone’s time.

But you are. And the Samaritans are there for anyone who is feeling low for any reason - there isn’t a certain level of abuse you need to be suffering. I don’t think you realise how bad he is because it’s become your “normal” and you are so ground down.

Take his stuff to his mums. Get that off your hands. Text him after and say your stuff at your mums...im done. Then block him.

There must be a whole massive back story as to how you arrived at this point. Isolated, away from family, struggling.

This awful person is taking advantage.

The ill mother is absolutely nothing to do with you. She is not your concern.
Keep well away.

Get support today. Google and find something, somewhere. Services are stretched but there are things. The Samaritans is an excellent choice. Is there any kind of library or community hub?

Don't drink alcohol.

I once called The Samaritans when my step-father was dying of lung cancer. I originally called to raise concerns about him yet the person on the other end of the phone asked after me and how I was coping. It was like a gentle hand hold. Give them a try. If not, talk to us. There’ll always be someone here on the thread to give you a shoulder to cry on.

Sorry to hear the GP isn't helpful. Ours has an online form for appts where you put some of the details of why you want to see them. Then they triage online. Does yours do that?

It's really really hard for you right now I know. If he comes back put his stuff in the hall before he comes in (can you keep him locked out?) Or put it out through a window.

Come on here as often as you need to. Look online for help/therapy as PP have suggested. There are also some excellent books that can help - I'm sure someone can post the titles - Lundy Bancroft is who to look for

Have a look here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=lundy+bancroft&crid=S8TRKQ9XCJV6&sprefix=lundy%2Caps%2C115&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_5

Cancel his phone contract or anything else you pay for, for him and free up some of YOUR money

It WILL end. It may take time, but you didn't get enmeshed with him overnight and he sadly won't vanish overnight either

But remember. EVERY time he comes back,, he treats you badly. And no-one ever deserves that. Including you

When do you go back to work?

It is hard on your own. But I bet you really don't feel any better when he's there.

Is there somewhere 'safe' outside where you can leave his stuff? No, you don't need to take it to his mum's - that's not your job.

Just put some nonsense on the TV and watch it. Anything to distract you

Nothing will change unless you change it. He showing you what you mean to him, he's taking the piss.

I know it's hard but take a deep breath and take your life back. You'll look back and be so glad you did.

Is It possible/feasible for you to get away somewhere while you’re off work? A last minute holiday just you? Hotel somewhere sunny/different for a couple of nights and away from all this, get some perspective, think about what you want to do for yourself?

What is stopping you from getting rid of this rubbish once and for all. Is it fear of loneliness? I promise you. You won’t feel as lonely on your own as you do with him and waiting for him. It can’t be love because no one can love someone that clearly doesn’t love them and is so abusive. There’s no good point to love. If you think you love him, maybe that’s an idea you’ve made up. It’s not really real. You’ve possibly given him attributes in your mind that he doesn’t actually have. Just get rid of him and join some local groups. There are art groups/choirs/fitness/night classes etc. you will quickly meet others who will not treat you like this.

Why don't you just go out yourself? Pull a coat and shoes on, and go for a walk, get some fresh air? Go to the shop and get something nice to eat for lunch.
You are stuck in a negative thought cycle and need to break it.

I'm thinking thousands of people could say things like " Don't be so stupid, why have you taken him back " and so on but its not going to connect with the OP.

My advice would be, today, find a therapist. Don't make excuses about not having money or don't know how to do it. Find a BACP therapist. Start the process. Find support groups in your area.

A load of ranting strangers on Mumsnet probably isn't helping.

Morning OP, I’m glad you came back and sorry you are not OK. I respect you as a fellow unlucky human who happened to fall for a monumental loser. It’s not you, it’s him and there are much better partners out there who would put your needs first in a healthy, adult relationship. It’s going to hurt but you have to kick him out and cut him off. You can do it! X

OP he has done you a huge favour my mucking it up again so quickly. You now know what to expect. And it seems your mind is made up. Keep going, keep your head high. You are better than all this and you don't deserve how he treats you.

Take a deep breath, be proud of yourself and take it one day at a time. This is the first day of the rest of your life and there are many great possibilities out there.

When you say, and he's not coming back, did he say that or is that you not allowing him back, if so well done, I would also leave his bags outside for him to collect, take him off your phone contract.

Oh OP !
I know that feeling of just wanting it never to have happened and being frozen with fear about the future. Lots of us have been there.

But you are right, he isn’t going to change. Not ever. Only for the worse. It will all become even worse. He’s let you down too many times now …he’s used to letting you down, used to not caring about you. He’s weak. He isn’t capable of respecting you and you simply can’t have that any more.

The thing is, you are actually stronger than him and worth a million times more than this. And eventually you will have to pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other to go to work. And then, you will feel better about yourself and you will be angry with him and upset that you didn’t act sooner. It’s an inevitable pattern so if you recognise it, you can help yourself a bit more.

Whatever you do OP, hold on to your job. It’s your life-line until you get used to the new situation without him.

I really admire you for having packed his stuff already, that’s an enormous achievement. You have realised that it really is over this time and that you deserve better than this. Keep following through on getting him out.
He will try even harder this time to make you change your mind again, not because he cares or has had a sudden personality change, but because of the inconvenience to him.

This yo-yoing is so bad for your mental health. It is draining and exhausting you, wearing you down. It can’t go on and you know that.
Summon all your courage this time and don’t let him talk you round.

If you can, put his stuff outside so that he doesn’t have to come back indoors. I know that will be hard for all sorts of reasons, but it’s the best way if you can manage it.

Keep going OP. A much better life is out there for you to grab.