Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 18:01

Do you know what; and this is so messed up. I wish I could go to the doctor and they go ‘I’m so sorry, you’ve got a terminal disease and it won’t be long’.
yes I appreciate how selfish that sounds, and that isn’t me saying I want to end things, but it’s someone taking the whole situation out of my hands.
not just the here and now situations but everything. I was never good enough for my own father, I even text him a week ago asking if he was ready to be a father and he replied no. (For background he speaks to/txts/visits my older sister constantly..: and he isn’t her father!!- they botH know this and have done for 25+years!)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2024 17:01

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 16:06

Im out I quit

Hey, it's OK to walk away from this thread. Just remember that we're still here, even if you aren't. You can come back anytime or even start a new thread.

But your words in 3 posts have resonated with me:

Re his mum:
He has already broken her. But she allows his behaviour.

He uses her like you wouldn’t believe. And she just wants him to love her.

Re you:
But I’m so broken I can not function.

So do you see that you are acknowledging and 'respecting' his mum's feelings of heartbreak. You understand that she does not need to experience more pain. But you aren't treating yourself with the same kindness and respect that you are treating her with.

He has broken you, too. And he is using you 'like you wouldn't believe', too. Please give yourself the same understanding and respect you're giving his mother.

CarrotCake01 · 03/04/2024 16:40

OP, one day you'll look back at this moment and what will you see?
The day you made a tough decision that changed your life and brought you 1 step closer to happiness and fulfilment or just another argument, another broken promise, another outing to the pub?

You're unhappy OP, how long are you going to put up with this?!

Call your doctor every morning when they open and ask what they have available, you need support.
Call Samaritans and see what they say, you need to talk to someone.

TheShellBeach · 03/04/2024 16:37

Please don't take him back.
Please don't.

He's not being kind to you.
He doesn't deserve a lovely person like you.

Take off the ring. Throw him out.

TheShellBeach · 03/04/2024 16:33

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 15:44

Every single thing everyone has said resonates with me. It sits there niggling at me. I know what I need to do. But I’m so broken I can not function. I just can’t do it.

What can't you do, love?
We're all here for you! I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed.

DontBeAMeany · 03/04/2024 16:30

There are some problems that literally can't be fixed but however impossible this all feels there is a solution. You might not be able to do anything right now but you will be able to and hopefully you will be able to soon. Once you have left him I don't think you will feel as broken and overwhelmed as you do now. No one is telling you it will be easy but everyone is telling you you have to find a way of leaving him or throwing him out.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 16:20

Fuck knows. I’ll figure something out

OP posts:
PeaceandCakes · 03/04/2024 16:19

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 16:06

Im out I quit

So what's going to happen next?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 16:06

Im out I quit

OP posts:
Iamnotalemming · 03/04/2024 16:04

You can do it. You just don't know how strong you are yet (much stronger than you realise!).

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 15:44

Every single thing everyone has said resonates with me. It sits there niggling at me. I know what I need to do. But I’m so broken I can not function. I just can’t do it.

OP posts:
Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 15:05

He has already broken her. But she allows his behaviour.

Well now you know one of the reasons he is how he is - he knows no matter how badly he treats the women who are closest to him in his life he will be forgiven because they “just want his love”

Do you want to be like his mum and stuck with this loser in another 20-30 years?

LAMPS1 · 03/04/2024 15:04

Do any of the many comments that people have made, resonate with you in a helpful way at all OP?
If so, just make a brief note of them on your phone to refer to. Or write them out and stick them on the fridge.

Do any little thing you can to keep taking a step forward. You can’t help your emotions …they are very valid…and we hear you ….but you do have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, if it’s just one thing you do each day.

Make some soup for your meal.
Start reading a new book or listen to a podcast.
Search for a good film to watch tonight
Bake a cake or make some bread
Tidy your wardrobe
Do some batch cooking for next week when you are back at work
Walk a different route

Drive to a different park/ cafe / shopping place /beauty spot/beach
Contact a family member or an old friend
Research a new holiday destination for next year
Clean the bathroom
Phone a help line
Or just continue to chat on here if it’s more helpful.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 14:44

I wouldn’t say it’s a refusal. I have tried to call the GP, they don’t offer e consults and have told me to call next week and try again.

i am refusing to go to his mums (i have seen her everyday this week) because im not giving her anything else to stress about him. He has already broken her. But she allows his behaviour.

I have said I’m looking at the books suggested, and am going to buy one of them, I’m just deciding which one is best to start with.

I have tried writing pros and cons down and it frustrated me, because it’s upsetting.

OP posts:
RiderofRohan · 03/04/2024 14:23

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 14:10

I seriously don’t have the energy for her. Partly because I feel sorry for her. He uses her like you wouldn’t believe. And she just wants him to love her

Show quote history

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. You don't deserve this. But please stop responding with a refusal every time something is suggested to you. You're in a very negative thought cycle.

It's fine if you don't want to take to stuff to his mum's. But please pick up the phone and call a helpline, whether it's the Samaritans or another one.

Also most GPs have an e-consult system, often open in the mornings (sometimes all day). Write your thoughts down there and they will usually get back to you within 48 hours.

Additionally, if you're in England, you should be able to self refer to talking therapies (IAPT). Please Google your borough and talking therapies, and see if this is possible.

Keep coming back here and letting us know how you're getting on. You're going to get through this and we're all rooting for you.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 14:10

Thatslife18 · 03/04/2024 14:00

Personally speaking I would have no hesitation in driving to his mothers house to return his stuff. I'd also have no hesitation in sharing with her the feelings shared on this thread. If nothing else it would feel cathartic & give closure to what sounds like an abhorrent situation. If his mother tried to convince me otherwise I would make my apologies for what has happened then say my goodbyes, end off.

I seriously don’t have the energy for her. Partly because I feel sorry for her. He uses her like you wouldn’t believe. And she just wants him to love her

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 03/04/2024 14:05

im so sorry to all of you for wasting your time on me.

Oh OP, I can hear in your posts that you have no confidence, self esteem on the floor. Please lose the thought that you're wasting our time. You're not. I'm sure that, like me, if we could be with you we'd give you the biggest hug.

And that's why we're posting, even if some of the posts seem cruel. We don't want you to keep being hurt by him. We care about you.

You know you need to put him in the bin, so you need to acknowledge (to youreslf, not us) why you can't let him go.

Wordsmithery · 03/04/2024 14:01

He's utterly repulsive and you know it.

Don't fall into the trap of self pity. You CAN get your shit together and dumping him is the first step.

Join a couple of classes or a local club, volunteer for something, join a meet up group. It takes effort but I promise it'll be worth it in the long run. You'll get to know lots of people and eventually some of them will become friends.

While you're waiting for your new activities to bear fruit, breathe, and enjoy knowing you're in control and he no longer has power over you.

Good luck!

Thatslife18 · 03/04/2024 14:00

Personally speaking I would have no hesitation in driving to his mothers house to return his stuff. I'd also have no hesitation in sharing with her the feelings shared on this thread. If nothing else it would feel cathartic & give closure to what sounds like an abhorrent situation. If his mother tried to convince me otherwise I would make my apologies for what has happened then say my goodbyes, end off.

VanillaSugar2024 · 03/04/2024 13:49

It’s an example of self-care.

eggplant16 · 03/04/2024 13:33

I don't think a facepack is going to do the trick. Find a reputable therapist.

VanillaSugar2024 · 03/04/2024 13:23

You aren’t wasting our time! Mumsnet can be a harsh place and if we didn’t care then we would scroll on by.

Have you tried writing down your Joy List? Once a day or once a week write down something that made you laugh or makes you happy and stick it in the fridge. Make a happy mood board with postcards and pictures from magazines. Buy that face pack and pedicure set. And use them. This is your time and if anyone tries to invade it then say “Sorry, that’s inconvenient for me right now.”

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 13:17

DontBeAMeany · 03/04/2024 12:57

Everyone has much bigger problems than mine. I would hate to waste the time of a Good Samaritan when someone who needs their time more than me goes without

There will always be someone in a worse situation than you but I your situation is genuinely really bad. You mustn't underestimate how bad it is and how badly it's making you feel. Sorry if it's already been suggested but can you write everything down. Do pros and cons of what you can do.

I have tried to write things down, multiple times: but then I just get frustrated and scribble all over it like a spoilt child.

im so sorry to all of you for wasting your time on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 12:58

Im not going to his mums. I do not have the energy nor the mental space to deal with all of that. I’ll just end up crying and make myself look an even bigger numpty so it’s a pointless exercise

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread