Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 19:10

still no contact from him. So he’s either crashed his car over night or is on the piss

OR.... he's waiting for you to beg him to come back like you always do. Of the three options I'd go for a combination of piss and beg.

TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 19:03

OP it doesn't matter if something has happened to him.
He's not your responsibility. He never was.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:56

I know it’s irrational to keep thinking of him, but worry is setting in now. Has something happened? Would anyone let me know? Would anyone actually know? What if nobody knows? I know this is worst case scenario and I’m being a twat

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:54

You’re all too kind. I’m a mess. Still no tears so feeling a bit better than before but this still isn’t normal.
still no contact from him. So he’s either crashed his car over night or is on the piss

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 09/04/2024 18:47

Well done @StuckHurtDone
If you need to vent …

Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 18:19

I think you’re right, I’m a people pleaser, I do anything to keep the peace. I appease them. I want to do what is ‘expected’ of me.

And all of us on MN are giving you permission not to do that. But to do exactly what he doesn't expect - that this time you mean it and there will be no more chances. He's blown too many.

Putting his stuff outside will reinforce the message that you mean it. It will also show him (with the greatest respect to you OP and to worms) that the worm has turned. Has made up her mind that he isn't going to treat her like the shit on his shoe anymore.

🐛🐛 🐛 - Dammit there's no worm emoji. Can you be a caterpillar that's turned instead???

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:10

NeedAnUpgrade · 09/04/2024 16:51

I might be wrong but is this the first time you’ve really done something that is in your own best interests? I grew up with the expectation that I would keep the peace, be quiet and make others lives easier, regardless of my own needs.

Standing up for yourself when you’ve never done it can be terrifying. If you were always told to put others first then your instincts will be screaming at you to keep doing what you’ve always done. It’s just conditioning and you can break it. You are absolutely doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep going OP, you do deserve better.

Show quote history

I think you’re right, I’m a people pleaser, I do anything to keep the peace. I appease them. I want to do what is ‘expected’ of me.

OP posts:
grapeomelette · 09/04/2024 17:29

You're doing so well OP! You're being very brave. I admire you. Your life is about to get immeasurably better.

NeedAnUpgrade · 09/04/2024 16:51

StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 13:56

I know I’m cutting my nose to spite my face- it’s just too painful. I shouldn’t have even allowed it to be unpacked but nothing can be changed.

my brain just can’t settle, it’s doing a million miles in circles. I feel like if he does just turn up , or even contact me to say he’s coming, I’ll be angry and/or cry. But equally if he doesn’t turn up I’ll also be angry and/or upset.

the usual protocol is it’s me that contacts first. I haven’t made any contact and I don’t intend to.

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

I might be wrong but is this the first time you’ve really done something that is in your own best interests? I grew up with the expectation that I would keep the peace, be quiet and make others lives easier, regardless of my own needs.

Standing up for yourself when you’ve never done it can be terrifying. If you were always told to put others first then your instincts will be screaming at you to keep doing what you’ve always done. It’s just conditioning and you can break it. You are absolutely doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep going OP, you do deserve better.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 14:51

I’m in the Cotswolds

OP posts:
apostrophewoman · 09/04/2024 14:43

OP, I've been watching your thread from the start and not posted, but the change in your messages has been amazing. I know you don't feel it, but you are strong, and that's coming through loud and clear, you just have to keep going and know that things ALWAYS get better. They do, you just have to get through this.

Can you say whereabouts you are, to see if some of us could help you? I'm in Shropshire and happy to help if you're in this area?

LipstickLil · 09/04/2024 14:38

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

Who cares? He's not your problem any more and whether he misses work or not is nothing to do with you, particularly if it's as a result of his drinking. He sounds like an alcoholic from what you've said, which again ISN'T YOUR FAULT!

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 14:35

Just get through the day. Can you go out a bit? Go and look round some shops....anything?

TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 13:58

My name will be mud everywhere

Who cares? It doesn't matter.
You've got rid of him, hopefully for good this time.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 13:56

I know I’m cutting my nose to spite my face- it’s just too painful. I shouldn’t have even allowed it to be unpacked but nothing can be changed.

my brain just can’t settle, it’s doing a million miles in circles. I feel like if he does just turn up , or even contact me to say he’s coming, I’ll be angry and/or cry. But equally if he doesn’t turn up I’ll also be angry and/or upset.

the usual protocol is it’s me that contacts first. I haven’t made any contact and I don’t intend to.

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 13:48

but I’m not doing it. I’ve done it before, and quite frankly it’s not my job. It’s his shit. But equally I want it out. I am not involving anyone else to pick up his pieces-

Right, you've done brilliantly so far, he's repeatedly showing you that he has no intention of changing and will always treat you like shit.

So now is the time not to be pig headed. Forget your principles that it's his shit and his problem. Just do it. You don't have to pack it all up carefully. Shoving it all in bin bags isn't a long job and it gets him out of your house and your hair.

LipstickLil · 09/04/2024 13:38

Put it all in bin bags, put it outside and send him a text telling him it’s waiting for him then DO NOT answer the door

Exactly this. While it's not your job to bag up his stuff, you don't want him in your home again and he don't want him taking anything that's not his, so put it all in bin bags - that way it's easy for you to just chuck the stuff in and it won't get damaged by the rain. I'd do this ASAP so you can be rid of not just him, but all his crap. And well done OP! Bloody hell - what a turnaround!

Ohffsbarbara · 09/04/2024 13:29

plus the anxiety of him potentially turning up. I know it’s inevitable as he will need his stuff but it’s the fear. Will he contact me first? Or just rock up.

Right, enough of this op. You have done great so far.

Why are you letting the issue of his stuff hang over you? You’re like a sitting duck waiting (and maybe hoping?) he’ll come back for it and there is sure to be another drama.

Take control now - what is stopping you?

Put it all in binbags, put it outside and send him a text telling him it’s waiting for him then DO NOT answer the door - either that or send it to his mums or a friend of his in a taxi.

Stop letting him control the situation. You never have to see this pos again if you don’t want to.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 09/04/2024 13:07

Wow I’m so pleased to hear you did the Clare’s Law request. Honestly take a step back and look at how strong you are becoming 👏🏽 You might not feel it right now, but everything I read in your posts tells me that you are taking affirmative action, not standing for him treating you terribly anymore and making plans to cut him from your life forever. You are a Queen!

Is it bad that I’m almost hoping the police tell you that he has a terrible arrest history and recommend that you stay away from him. That could be the final puzzle piece that makes you put your foot down and vow to never take him back again.

Do you have the strength today to pack up all his stuff into bin bags again? Pile them all up in one room out of sight. Then when you come back from seeing the police tomorrow you can find the strength to arrange for them to be sent to his Mums. It could all be done and dusted by the weekend, blocked from your life and never looking back.

I wish I knew you in real life. I would come over today, help you pack it all up and personally go dump it on his Mum’s doorstep. Do you know anyone locally with a car who could help? Even if they are just a friendly neighbour or an aqaintance? I would honestly drop everything and go to help any friend, acquaintance, distant relative, neighbour, colleague……….. if they told me they were in the same situation as you. I know you say you don’t have close family/friends nearby but is there anyone you can think if that might help?

Nicole1111 · 09/04/2024 12:56

Abusers eradicate any self esteem you have, isolate you from support and create a dependency on them. All of this serves to make it extremely difficult and scary to leave them. This is why you’re struggling so much emotionally. With the right support though you can and will get through this, and one day you’ll look back and know you did the right thing and will reflect on how much your life got better once you ended it. For now though take each day as it comes, process your feelings and keep reaching out for support. Have you done the freedom programme? Or reached out for to a local domestic abuse charity for support.

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 12:55

I know you have spoken of your isolation but is there no body at all who could help out a little?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 12:51

Why am so much more broken today? This hurts hard.
plus the anxiety of him potentially turning up. I know it’s inevitable as he will need his stuff but it’s the fear. Will he contact me first? Or just rock up.
i know the tears will come, in full force

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 12:37

Not sure, I didn’t ask. Nobody to go with me anyway but I think?! I’m happy going alone

OP posts:
eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 12:08

You have done absolutely amazingly well. Fan bloody tastic.

Cann you take somebody with you tomorrow?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 11:45

pavedwithgoodintentions · 09/04/2024 11:41

Hopefully, a meeting with the police will cement your very, very, very good decision to finally show him the door.

While you're there, let them know if he's been driving his car while drunk.

Show quote history

I won’t be telling the police about what he’s up to. This is purely to gain some knowledge (if there is any) about his past. Like I said probably irrelevant now, and too late but at least I will know what he’s potentially capable of if anything.

his actions are exactly that, his. If he chooses to drink drive then nobody can stop him. The police might very well catch up with him at some point, and I just hope he doesn’t kill someone. I can’t change his actions

OP posts: