To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

The absolute immaturity of this view

I wonder OP, does this mum allow her DS to go on sleepovers to other peoples houses, like yours?

Would she insist that all the other guests have their phones removed by the parent in case her DS sees something on them/is brainwashed by TikTok into having a fetish for husky’s singing and spicy cats not that I would know anything about that of course.

I wonder what OP would be saying if her son was either then perpetrator or the victim in that situation, because then other mother hadn't supervised phones overnight...

Someone's property FFS, it's a child's phone, an item which is not neutral or without potential for mischief or harm. The ADULT in the scenario has every right in her own home to take something off a CHILD which will be returned and which they have no need for (want is a different thing). The pendulum has swung so far in the direction of centring children's rights and feelings that we have lost our capacity to actually be responsible adults who make decisions which are in children's best interests.

As someone who regularly deals with the fallout of teenagers having phones in bedrooms at sleepovers, I'm firmly in the camp of not allowing phones overnight. You'd be surprised how many seemingly sensible kids do stupid things with cameras and social media when they're together with friends. Then it's down to people like me to untangle the mess, call all the parents, and quite often call the police.
It's worrying that so many offences are committed by kids who absolutely meant no harm and definitely knew better than to snap their genitals (or their sleeping friend's genitals) and bung the pic in a large group WhatsApp at 3am. They're usually the sensible ones who make you wonder WTF they were thinking of, as do they when they're sobbing in my office at lunchtime on Monday.

Frankly I think we’d all be better off if phones were put firmly away at 9pm! Your kid is 13 on a sleepover at a friend’s house. He isn’t a fretful tot away from his mummy, or in any danger. What did you think might happen?

She clearly didn't want two boys up pissing around on phones all night - which is fair enough. So easier to take both, as a ‘family rule’ than create some weird situation where her son doesn’t have his but yours does.

I think this is isn’t about your son. It’s about you, and your need to be in control. And a lack of empathy for the other parent navigating different phone rules. So yabu.

Taking someone's property? She would have given it back the next morning.
She took it because she didn't want children messing around with phones unsupervised in a bedroom.
She took it because she's the adult in charge of the children in her house.

Omg how did 13 year olds function before they could text their mums goodnight from their friends homes.

Personally it is not the phone but taking someone's property I have an issue with

@Bournetilly
Agree - a 14-year-old who isn't allowed to walk places on his own, or to develop the skills he will need in adulthood, is a child who is being failed by his overbearing mother.

Yeah I wouldn’t send my daughter to a sleepover where I knew no one was supervising their internet access. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

They could do the sleepover at her house.

Nobody is denying anyone a sleepover.

One mother has implicitly criticised the other's parenting though, and I'm not sure she'd feel OK sending her child to someone else's house if she's so fearful and has so little trust in her child and his friends.

Nobody needs smartphones at night.

People who use insulin pumps which give alarms about high and low sugar readings via Bluetooth tech to a smartphone do, in fact.

I get the sense from your post op you're not as much worried for your DS not having access to his phone as you are that you think she is judging your parenting decisions.
If you are happy with your decision you don't need to justify it to anyone, you first post lists a host of reasons you let your DS have a phone, you don't need to do that.
She has rules in her house and you have rules in yours, you just need to realise everyone parents differently and they aren't necessarily judging you

I find this obsession and anger from parents that their child won't have their phone right by their side when they are safely at a friends house an absolute nonsense .
Children enjoyed sleepovers at friends for years before the advent of phones.
I think its hugely worrying and ridiculous state of affairs!

She can ask for phones not to be used and to be in bags but taking them is over the top to me

Her house her rules is fine to a point but to take someone's property is wrong unless there was a serious reason too

On a separate point, how did people cope before smart phones were invented?

We coped really well!

She sounds very sensible and fair. Nobody needs smartphones at night.

And for all those parents who disagree, check out Jonathan Haidt’s book about smartphone use by children The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness and see if it changes your mind.

There’s a good piece about it here https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2024/03/smartphone-anxious-generation-mental-health/677817/

You appear to be making up as many reasons as possible why your child should have his phone? No need for the bus or apps etc -

So what if two teens where present whilst having a sleep over - no doubt they talked and played games and didn’t involve others or video their escapades - it’s really a non issue.

I don’t care how careful you think you are - kids find ways of doing things.

I think TBH this is sensible but she should have let you know in advance so you and DS could have decided if he should go or not. Don't take it as a slight on you - he may be a nice boy and you good parents but that doesn't mean that he couldn't or wouldn't misuse his phone. No need of having a phone at night as you say yourself so no harm done.

Why would you deny two friends a sleepover? Talk about overbearing!

And yes agree with PP - you don’t know the settings on the other boy’s phone. So isn’t it better they didn’t have access rather than potentially accessing anything inappropriate?

She should have given prior warning and also said to you/him that he could have it back anytime to message home. But if she doesn’t want phones in the home that is her prerogative. 13 is very young for anything other than looking up directions or messaging you.

good on the mum tor having rules she’s consistent with. And applying the rules fairly to all kids regardless of the set up of their own phones.

It’s OK for him not to like it but your son was treated fairly.

its your job as his mother to explain its OK for him not to like it but Xs mum has this rule in place in her home to keep all the children safe and as a guest he has to follow the rules. He was well supervised and looked after in a safe home.

yes your son would’ve known that’s what happens in his friends house. That bedtimes are phone fee. Kids talk!

you are also forgetting, although you have secured your sons phone the other kids might have unfettered access to the web! By apply the blanket rule to all kids she did protect your kid too from the potential stupidities of youth and consuming content he really should have no business with.

The mum absolutely did the right thing in sticking to her normal house rules, I would have done the same.

No doubt you'd have blamed her if your DS had kept his phone, used it to make videos of his half dressed friend, or downloaded porn, given some DC can act out of character when they get together and are winding each other up.

She was not judging you in the slightest, just sticking to what she usually does.