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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

362 replies

burtonplanet · 28/03/2024 16:49

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

OP posts:
Original poster
burtonplanet · 29/03/2024 08:59

It has been really helpful to read all these responses. I don't think they're representative in our circles! As I said I know a few very anti-phone mums who I found quite extreme and unrealistic about modern life, but for the most part we know a lot of parents who have absolutely no rules the phone usage, and so funnily enough we are considered much more strict. We only allow half an hour a day of screen time other than what they need for school/hobbies/logistics. After that their phones become completely useless other than an alarm to wake up. All photos and videos are automatically uploaded to the family account, so we would very quickly see anything untoward. I'm also interested that people are against 'tracking' kids on their phones. Our whole family, DH and I included, and all our devices, are on FindMy, and we all find it very convenient and helpful. We want our kids to be 'free range' and have the run of the city and it's nice to see where everyone is. The kids don't resent it. They like seeing where we are too, especially if they see we might be able to give them a ride!

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 29/03/2024 08:43

I’ve never tracked my kids - some parents do, and they panic and say ‘Jakes at X house, he said he was going Y do you think he’s ok?’

Plans change at that age.

Some teens FaceTime their parents walking home - why? I find the whole thing ridiculous

SoupDragon · 29/03/2024 08:39

Youngest is 13 with the latest iPhone, does exceptionally well at school and we have no issues. Ad you say, we are more happy for him to have more independence as can always see where he is.

How much independence were you allowed at 13? Did your parents track you?

Sux2buthen · 29/03/2024 08:36

She's got no right to take his phone,

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 29/03/2024 08:31

OP I have 3 teens they would hate to be tracked quite as much as you are tracking yours.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 29/03/2024 08:30

CanNeverThinkOfAName · 28/03/2024 17:04

I’d have been bloody furious.

She did not have the right to remove your DS’s personal property, no matter that he was in her house or not. Would it have been ok for her to confiscate his wallet or an item of jewellery?

Smart phones are not the devil and I feel sorry for her 14 year old with such a restrictive, small minded parent. I’d be telling her that.

All my DC had phones from secondary school. The older ones have grown into fully functional adults. Youngest is 13 with the latest iPhone, does exceptionally well at school and we have no issues. Ad you say, we are more happy for him to have more independence as can always see where he is.

We are realising more and more that smart phones are the devil. Especially not great in the hands of a group of teenagers.

waterrat · 29/03/2024 08:26

I really can't believe how many parents would let children have phones in bedrooms overnight!! putting aside safeguarding it's just a recipe for kids staying up all night on tik tok - I'm not to know what rules are set on kids phones.

The only thing I can say is that as a parent in this situation I would tell both parent and child that phones stay outside the room at night in our house.

StealthMama · 29/03/2024 08:24

HarrietSchulenberg · 28/03/2024 23:47

As someone who regularly deals with the fallout of teenagers having phones in bedrooms at sleepovers, I'm firmly in the camp of not allowing phones overnight. You'd be surprised how many seemingly sensible kids do stupid things with cameras and social media when they're together with friends. Then it's down to people like me to untangle the mess, call all the parents, and quite often call the police.
It's worrying that so many offences are committed by kids who absolutely meant no harm and definitely knew better than to snap their genitals (or their sleeping friend's genitals) and bung the pic in a large group WhatsApp at 3am. They're usually the sensible ones who make you wonder WTF they were thinking of, as do they when they're sobbing in my office at lunchtime on Monday.

Exactly this. Parental controls for apps and internet access are only one part of the controls needed to keep children safe when it comes to phones and other devices.

Kids do very stupid things without understanding the severity or the consequences. Why enable the risk for something to occur at all?

There was no judging of the OP from the mum, she's just continued with the norms in her house. Has the OP had a sleep over at her house where she needed to consider all the risks too?

JPGR · 29/03/2024 07:57

Oneofthesurvivors · 28/03/2024 20:58

You have absolutely failed your child if you haven't taught her to reach out to the nearest adult during a medical emergency.

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Oh f**k off

WonderingWanda · 29/03/2024 07:18

It really isn't judgey, its just her rule for her house. We have no phones in bedrooms rule at night. Although I don't take other children's phones on sleepovers (but it is annoying because they then don't sleep at all) I can absolutely see why she did. I do turn off the WiFi at some point in the night during sleepovers.

Kids really shouldn't have access to their phones overnight....that is me being a bit judgey of people who allow it to be honest... most teenagers are totally unable to put down their phones or stop gaming unless forced and have far too much screen time. As a teacher I experience row upon row of overtired and overestimated teenagers who can't stay awake or concentrate on basic tasks in the classroom. I also deal with the fall out of the middle of the night Snapchat bullying or huge whatsapp fights. It is a massive issue which disrupts learning in schools. Maybe this other Mum has actually got the right idea?

Dymaxion · 29/03/2024 06:51

One mother has implicitly criticised the other's parenting though

There is only one person criticizing another's parenting and that's the OP, the other mother just did what she always does in her home, she hasn't passed any judgement on the OP.

Fromthebirdsnest · 29/03/2024 02:20

I don't let my children have sleep overs at other people's houses for safety reasons , i dont trust anyone with my children except my MIL , I host them if you don't like people telling your child what to do , then do this ..

Fr7fr6 · 29/03/2024 01:42

CanNeverThinkOfAName · 28/03/2024 17:04

I’d have been bloody furious.

She did not have the right to remove your DS’s personal property, no matter that he was in her house or not. Would it have been ok for her to confiscate his wallet or an item of jewellery?

Smart phones are not the devil and I feel sorry for her 14 year old with such a restrictive, small minded parent. I’d be telling her that.

All my DC had phones from secondary school. The older ones have grown into fully functional adults. Youngest is 13 with the latest iPhone, does exceptionally well at school and we have no issues. Ad you say, we are more happy for him to have more independence as can always see where he is.

Get a grip! A teenager bit having a phone for one night is not something to be bloody furious about. How was she to know how restricted his phone was? Plenty of parents don't restrict their teenagers phones and they get up to all sorts.

GiggleHoot · 29/03/2024 01:34

mathanxiety · 28/03/2024 23:10

They could do the sleepover at her house.

Nobody is denying anyone a sleepover.

One mother has implicitly criticised the other's parenting though, and I'm not sure she'd feel OK sending her child to someone else's house if she's so fearful and has so little trust in her child and his friends.

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Talk about dramatics! Grow up.

Topseyt123 · 29/03/2024 01:14

Deadringer · 29/03/2024 01:01

It's amazing that so many people on here take people's shoes from them at the door yet can't get their head around a parent taking a teen's phone for the night. I wish they had taken the phones at the last sleepover my dd13 went to, her friends were on omegle and other sites/apps and she saw vile stuff she can never unsee.

Nobody takes my shoes off me at any door. However, I will take them off myself if asked and leave them by the door. They won't be given to anyone else.

Topseyt123 · 29/03/2024 01:12

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 29/03/2024 00:57

Crikey, sorry to single this post out but it makes me wonder how some kids would have coped in the 80s at sleepovers!
We had no phones then, I do honestly think we've become too reliant on them
So a mum doesn't want them in the bedrooms on.a night
Fair enough, her rules. I'm sure if anything was wrong they'd ring you and let you know, in the meantime enjoy the night "off!"

Edited
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We didn't go on sleepovers. Wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

BandyMcBandface · 29/03/2024 01:06

Deadringer · 29/03/2024 01:01

It's amazing that so many people on here take people's shoes from them at the door yet can't get their head around a parent taking a teen's phone for the night. I wish they had taken the phones at the last sleepover my dd13 went to, her friends were on omegle and other sites/apps and she saw vile stuff she can never unsee.

I’ve never been to a house where people have taken my shoes at the door! Asked to take them off, yes, but generally just leave them by the front door.

I would have no issue with a child being asked to leave their phone downstairs. It’s the taking of the phone by an adult that I wouldn’t be happy with.

Deadringer · 29/03/2024 01:01

It's amazing that so many people on here take people's shoes from them at the door yet can't get their head around a parent taking a teen's phone for the night. I wish they had taken the phones at the last sleepover my dd13 went to, her friends were on omegle and other sites/apps and she saw vile stuff she can never unsee.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 29/03/2024 00:57

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 16:59

I think she overstepped the mark here massively.

what if DS was uncomfortable and wanted to reach out or missed you? If he goes again I would ask her not to do this, he’s our son and she has no right to get in between contact between the pair of you.

Crikey, sorry to single this post out but it makes me wonder how some kids would have coped in the 80s at sleepovers!
We had no phones then, I do honestly think we've become too reliant on them
So a mum doesn't want them in the bedrooms on.a night
Fair enough, her rules. I'm sure if anything was wrong they'd ring you and let you know, in the meantime enjoy the night "off!"

grinandslothit · 29/03/2024 00:39

Some of these comments are truly disturbing. I don't know how some manage to navigate in the world.

Some of these people probably shouldn't have had children to begin with. I can understand why so many have mental issues with such a batshit parents.

TeenLifeMum · 29/03/2024 00:31

As the mum of a 16 year old, I know that in the world of sleepovers, phones are a bloody nightmare and can cause lots of harm. It’s not just the internet but embarrassing sleep photos being taken and worse. We have a no phones upstairs rule and phones go away at night (on a charging station). I always let parents know the rules before the dc comes but my house, my rules.

I’d be really happy if another parent did this. I think you’re a bit naive. Even the nicest dc fuck yup sometimes so at 13 let’s not leave them with peer pressure and an iPhone because it’s setting them up to fail. Ime, by 15 they’re much more aware of consequences.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/03/2024 00:23

He didn’t need it though, did he?

Ziegfeld · 29/03/2024 00:17

There are other alarms available - pumps don’t HAVE to be linked to smartphones. Before Bluetooth LE for wearables was commercialised about ten years ago, diabetics managed fine without smartphone alarms….

But more to the point, OP is not concerned about insulin pumps - she is concerned that her child can’t board a bus while asleep.

LittleMissCantBeWrong1 · 29/03/2024 00:13

Yeah you’re right because two 13 year olds definitely won’t take them straight back out again the minute you’re in bed.

WandaWonder · 29/03/2024 00:11

LittleMissCantBeWrong1 · 29/03/2024 00:07

The absolute immaturity of this view

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I don't know 'it's 9pm phones need to go in bags now till the morning please' what is wrong with that, no need for dramatics