To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

This isn’t about her house rules, it’s about her not communicating something unexpected in advance.

I always used to remove phones from DC's friends on sleepovers. Only had 1 child who wanted to go home in the middle of the night (her parents warned me it might happen) I called the parents, they came to collect her.

Well, it wouldn't be ok with me especially as nowadays the parents of kids don't really know each other and it's quite a distant relationship.

I would definitely want my child to have a means to contact.

I’m amazed it didn’t occur to her to let you know that was what she’d be doing. What if you’d asked him to ring at some point?
I guess the type of person that’s that strict is also likely to have an unusual approach to communicating with other parents.
Anyway, at least you both know what to expect if he goes there again.

You are allowed to do that. I would also have been allowed to explain the very valid reasons why my DD was to have her phone. She spent years in MH therapy for serious issues which almost killed her so I needed to be in regular contact.

Anyone who didn't like that would not be suitable for looking after my child.

So she didn't even return them in the morning?

You could tell me what you liked. You don't sound like the sort I would want them staying with anyway as I wouldn't trust you.

I paid for my child to have a phone so that I could be in contact with them when they were away from me. It was particularly necessary for my DD because of serious mental health issues which could necessitate contact and potentially pickup at any time.

You clearly wouldn't care about that though so they wouldn't be going to you.

Did she “confiscate” it or did she say “right boys, time for your phones to be put away now, go and pop them on the hall table”? If your ds had wanted to text you would he have had to do anything more than go and get it or ask his pal? Was it locked away? Hidden? Put under the mothers pillow? Did he ask for it and not be able to get it back? Was there a landline he could have used in an emergency?

Same, if you don't like my rules then your kid doesn't come over. I will absolutely have a no phones in the bedroom rule when my child is old enough for this to be an issue.

If you don't want your child to abide by the house rules, don't send them to that house.

If some parent took this attitude with me because I enforce sensible rules in my home then I'd tell them to fuck off and that their child is welcome never to sleep over again.

No parents I knew ever did this. Nor did I.

I normally would be very anti phone too young and would have had no issue with this but I absolutely would want my ds to have a phone incase something went wrong.

Only example I can think of is when my 11 yr old at the time sister was at a sleepover and it transpired the others were drinking. The parents had actually left the house ti go out and my parents had no idea as they were there at drop off. They got really drunk and my sister was terrified. She texted home and my parents made excuses and collected her. They also rang other parents of the kids and waited for them to collect their kids.

My mother always taught us that we could ring home no matter how bad it is and to this day I'd give my child a basic controlled phone with the security of knowing I'm here no matter what.

I wouldn't be happy about this either. Thankfully no parent of my kids' friends did this.

If he goes there again then I'd tell her that he is to keep his phone on him overnight while he is away from home because you and he like to message each other and could she please remember that.

Her house, her rules yes, but also your child, your rules. There has to be appreciation of that on both sides. She should not just take your child's property.

Actually, if it is a contract phone that your DS has then I assume it is really YOUR property. Say to her that you don't want it taken away from DS when he is away from home. I would.

No phones overnight and no phones in the bedroom are perfectly normal rules and Yabu to be shocked and surprised. If your ds needs his phone all the time you should have discussed it first instead of assuming he would be allowed to have a phone in his friends bedroom overnight.
She absolutely has the right to decide if phones are going to be her child’s bedroom or not. That’s her rule for her child in her house. Just because something belongs to someone doesn’t mean you have to let them take it into your kids room with them. If your rule is your child must always have his phone with him then don’t let him be under the supervision of other people and don’t let him sleep in other kids bedrooms.

There was a choice. The 13 year old had a choice to stay the night and follow the rules or go home. He chose to hand over his phone because he wanted to stay. When you delegate the care of your child to another adult, it is YOUR responsibility to check whether or not their values and boundaries align with yours, not theirs.

I would never dream of taking a 14 year olds phone off them. It's massively overstepping.

THIS!!! I would be more than furious.
I’d have been bloody furious.

She did not have the right to remove your DS’s personal property, no matter that he was in her house or not. Would it have been ok for her to confiscate his wallet or an item of jewellery?

Smart phones are not the devil and I feel sorry for her 14 year old with such a restrictive, small minded parent. I’d be telling her that.

Now he knows he can decide whether he wants to do it again. No harm done.

Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools

This is what all parents think until they, the school or someone else finds out that the child has in fact been looking at porn etc.

The other parent sounds like a very sensible woman.

I think would have been polite to give some warning so your son would have known to turn his phone over at such and such a time. Otherwise though the judgy thing is real and very annoying!

I take phones on sleepovers once they have texted their parents goodnight. I let the parents know and they have my contact details.
Having worked in a secondary I know even the most well behaved children can urge each other on and do things they wouldn't normally do. Just because you have excellent controls on your son's phone doest mean the other child does. It is fairly common for them to be messing around and showing each other porn or violent tiktoks even in year 7 and it only takes one child to do that. I'm sure you'd have been more upset if that had happened because the mum hadn't taken the phone.