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Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
Irishmama100 · 29/03/2024 11:56

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 18:17

Apparently she was there when the brother was telling her BF, took her a minute to work out the connection, but was rather hurt that he would gift her a second hand gift, that’s how she sees it anyway. He got the strop and said he had paid his brother for them so it wasn’t a freebie, but if that wasn’t good enough for her then he would find someone else to take. I’m just glad after the time she’s had, she can laugh it off, I’ll be keeping a close eye on her though.

poor DH is feeling rather out numbered tonight, 😂😂, and has decided that sons are definitely easier than daughters 😂

I came back today to see had you updated. Oh I am so delighted she kicked him to the kerb. You have raised a sensible daughter. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Iloveacurry · 29/03/2024 11:43

Well done to your DD! He sounded like a knob. Hope you have a great weekend celebrating.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 29/03/2024 11:18

What an update! OP, you must be so proud of your daughters (I'm assuming they are both this smart)
Knew he was a wrong'un. Well rid.

pinkyredrose · 29/03/2024 09:45

Woohoo great result!

Please tell your DH that the problems are the men being bellends not his daughters.

potato57 · 29/03/2024 09:33

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

Presumably she knows her own daughter likes surprises and her friends and family. I'd have loved someone to throw a surprise trip for me for my 30th!

MintyCedric · 29/03/2024 09:07

So glad it’s sorted. Your family sound epic - have a great weekend

Cailin66 · 29/03/2024 09:06

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. Happy Birthday to the lucky daughter of wonderful parents. Can you send me a link to the house in Devon, it sounds amazing ....

If I had a single 30 year old son I'd been sending him down to Devon this weekend. Put up the name of the pub and some mumsnetters with single sons might be down your way.

Yodel294 · 29/03/2024 08:15

He's either very controlling or not very bright. It's a great shame as it will spoil her weekend and cause friction whether she goes with him or not. I think you need to tell him there's been a misunderstanding and he needs to rearrange his dates.

MysteryDog · 29/03/2024 07:50

Wow what a bellend!

Happy Birthday to your DD!

Have a lovely weekend WineCake

Scottishskifun · 29/03/2024 07:23

Just to say I applaud your DD for recognising her now ex bf showing his true colours and dumping him! Yes he ruined your surprise but actually long run is a good thing as he really did show his true colours and spiteful nature which your DD is not going to forget so no chance of weaseling back!

I hope you all have a amazing weekend and your DD has a awesome birthday!

Ebme · 29/03/2024 07:20

Wow he sounds like a manipulative controlling bully. I wouldn’t be polite about this at all. I’d say look as you are well aware DD’s birthday celebration is a Friday-Sunday Devon trip with the whole family travelling to spend time with DD, you knew that, I don’t understand why you would book a different event at the same time when you know about the Devon trip, but you will need to change the dates of your London trip.

Tell DD asap about the Devon trip because he’s going to slide in and make it sound like he wasn’t aware of it / was an innocent mistake and will say you guys are don’t like him and are trying to exclude him, but that isn’t what’s happening here.

My worry for you all is he’s the type of man who’s deliberately trying to cause tension between DD and her family. What he has done is very very provocative and he must have known it would cause an argument.

HollyKnight · 29/03/2024 07:10

That's great. He can go with his brother now.

HalebiHabibti · 29/03/2024 06:54

I'm glad this has worked out well for you all OP! Well except for DH maybe 😂

Noyesnoyes · 29/03/2024 06:30

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

Did they check the weather? What six months ago when they booked it?

Great outcome OP, enjoy your weekend away, whatever the weather.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/03/2024 05:09

user1492757084 · 29/03/2024 04:59

He is a boyfriend of four months.
Either he has a huge cognitive problem or he is a mean chap.

Contact him and ask him to rebook the tickets for the following week. If he loses money you will reimburse him .
Tell him it was out of line of him to spoil the family gift.
If he will not cancel and rebook, uninvite him from the family weekend.

Tell your daughter of the weekend planned as soon as possible.

The fellow is a simpleton or a control freak!

Have a lovely weekend.

Edited

OP updated a while ago that DD dumped the boyfriend, so no issues.

user1492757084 · 29/03/2024 04:59

He is a boyfriend of four months.
Either he has a huge cognitive problem or he is a mean chap.

Contact him and ask him to rebook the tickets for the following week. If he loses money you will reimburse him .
Tell him it was out of line of him to spoil the family gift.
If he will not cancel and rebook, uninvite him from the family weekend.

Tell your daughter of the weekend planned as soon as possible.

The fellow is a simpleton or a control freak!

Have a lovely weekend.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/03/2024 04:18

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/03/2024 03:42

He came by the tickets and was so convinced that DD would choose to go with him, he booked a hotel - despite being fully aware of OP’s plans. If l was DD l’d have dumped him too, because of his arrogance in putting her in such an awkward situation. He essentially tried to make her choose between something her family had put a lot of planning and effort into, and at considerable cost, for something that fell into his lap at the last minute, with no effort at all. Not only a turn off, but a big red flag.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly. Good on your dd for ending the relationship with him op.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/03/2024 03:42

STARCATCHER22 · 28/03/2024 23:14

I’ve been thinking the same. Does seem a little ungrateful to be so up in arms. So what if it was second hand? He’s paid for it. I’m not really sure why everyone is congratulating the OP’s daughter for dumping him over it.

Show quote history

He came by the tickets and was so convinced that DD would choose to go with him, he booked a hotel - despite being fully aware of OP’s plans. If l was DD l’d have dumped him too, because of his arrogance in putting her in such an awkward situation. He essentially tried to make her choose between something her family had put a lot of planning and effort into, and at considerable cost, for something that fell into his lap at the last minute, with no effort at all. Not only a turn off, but a big red flag.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/03/2024 03:16

northtower · 28/03/2024 23:33

I got halfway through the OP and assumed this was going to be a thread about parents controlling their adult children's lives.

Weird how your daughter didn't get any input into how she spent her own birthday.

There's more than one control freak in this story!

Only on MN could parents planning a surprise party for their DD be considered controlling.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 29/03/2024 02:48

He's a jerk for revealing the surprise, even without anything else. Shows a complete lack of respect for the work the OP put into the celebration. Btw for people saying she's in the wrong, I'm sure she knows her daughter well enough to know what she likes !

Erdinger · 29/03/2024 02:35

Erdinger · 29/03/2024 00:41

Do you know when he planned / booked his “ surprise” ? It does sound like he’s trying to trump your plans. I’d call him out on it and ask him to rebook.

Sorry read the update. Personally I wouldn’t be upset by the second hand gifting but the now ex sounds like a bit of a tw?!

minipie · 29/03/2024 01:09

My goodness, thank god she figured out it was ex BF regifting his brother’s leftovers. Otherwise she might have thought BF had gone to lots of effort and been really torn over which plan to do - and totally mistaken as to his character. Sorry for your DD but she has absolutely dodged a bullet.

Bearygummies · 29/03/2024 01:06

re. The “second hand” gift - If it was any other weekend perhaps she’d have been happy but not when it’s her 30th. She maybe wanted him to put more thought into it and go choose a present with her in mind as opposed to just giving her whats
happened to fall into his path.

And personally I doubt he paid his brother much, if anything at all for it. Maybe a token amount at most.

If he had to pay the proper value for it I bets he would’ve looked at the date and declined to buy it on the basis that it would clash with her families plans

IMO it Makes more sense if he was given it free - that would explain why he was so determined to crack on with it despite it interfering with pre-existing plans .

I wouldn’t have dumped a guy over that alone and I doubt OP’s daughter did either. It was more likely when she found out her boyfriend of 4 months wanted to take her to said event despite knowing her family had arranged something else that done it for her.

He could potentially have put her in an awkward position having to choose between whose celebration to attend. Extremely thoughtless and inconsiderate of him - definitely overstepped the mark.

Erdinger · 29/03/2024 00:41

Do you know when he planned / booked his “ surprise” ? It does sound like he’s trying to trump your plans. I’d call him out on it and ask him to rebook.

northtower · 28/03/2024 23:33

I got halfway through the OP and assumed this was going to be a thread about parents controlling their adult children's lives.

Weird how your daughter didn't get any input into how she spent her own birthday.

There's more than one control freak in this story!