Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
QuillBill · 29/03/2024 22:47

I also think boyfriend is a keeper for making the event about his partner and taking her to a show in London

You mean the weekend his brother booked for his wife?

You think that a man is 'a keeper' for taking his girlfriend on a weekend away that's going spare because the brothers wife won't go on it?

twohotwaterbottles · 29/03/2024 21:25

Oh just caught up. Yay for your DD. Hope you all have a fabulous weekend away x

Runnerinthenight · 29/03/2024 21:25

OldPerson · 29/03/2024 20:51

I'd say this comes under the category of piss poor planning and communication. I don't know how this family works - but all family work on dramas. What exactly shouted out that this entire get-together was to celebrate a birthday of a single individual. I think the entire family just wanted to get together and daughter birthday got shovelled on the back end.
I also think boyfriend is a keeper for making the event about his partner and taking her to a show in London.
So what we're left with is all the family getting together. Hurrah!
And bday girl turning up and being celebrated with all her family. Hurrah!
Willing to bet Mum is not paying for everything, and everyone paying has their own agenda for enjoyment.
I'd definitely call the boyfriend a keeper.
Because not once has mum considered what would make her daughter happiest.

I think you've read a different thread to me.

How in the name of anything that's holy is that utter prick "a keeper"?!

You have him then, if you think so highly of his behaviour! Dear god!

Take it you missed the bit where she finished with him for giving her a second hand gift???!

twohotwaterbottles · 29/03/2024 21:17

Ask your daughter if she's aware of what controlling and coercive behaviour is. More red flags than a red flag shop

RawBloomers · 29/03/2024 20:57

OldPerson · 29/03/2024 20:51

I'd say this comes under the category of piss poor planning and communication. I don't know how this family works - but all family work on dramas. What exactly shouted out that this entire get-together was to celebrate a birthday of a single individual. I think the entire family just wanted to get together and daughter birthday got shovelled on the back end.
I also think boyfriend is a keeper for making the event about his partner and taking her to a show in London.
So what we're left with is all the family getting together. Hurrah!
And bday girl turning up and being celebrated with all her family. Hurrah!
Willing to bet Mum is not paying for everything, and everyone paying has their own agenda for enjoyment.
I'd definitely call the boyfriend a keeper.
Because not once has mum considered what would make her daughter happiest.

The proof is in the pudding. And it proves you wrong!

OldPerson · 29/03/2024 20:51

I'd say this comes under the category of piss poor planning and communication. I don't know how this family works - but all family work on dramas. What exactly shouted out that this entire get-together was to celebrate a birthday of a single individual. I think the entire family just wanted to get together and daughter birthday got shovelled on the back end.
I also think boyfriend is a keeper for making the event about his partner and taking her to a show in London.
So what we're left with is all the family getting together. Hurrah!
And bday girl turning up and being celebrated with all her family. Hurrah!
Willing to bet Mum is not paying for everything, and everyone paying has their own agenda for enjoyment.
I'd definitely call the boyfriend a keeper.
Because not once has mum considered what would make her daughter happiest.

femfemlicious · 29/03/2024 20:32

He is very wrong. I would be careful of him!

savethatkitty · 29/03/2024 20:16

I'm speechless! The absolute cheek of him! Clearly he's intimidated by the close family ties. Selfish wanker.

Jeannie88 · 29/03/2024 19:53

Oh no, you don't do this! Lovely idea but not on the weekend you had planned. He will hopefully be able to postpone it, if not, lesson learnt you don't change family plans, especially after such a short time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/03/2024 19:51

"his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “ "

And then it turns out that his brother booked tickets for a show in London and his brother booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night. Hence the dates clash.

Your daughter has dodged a bullet. He could easily have taken the idea of the show/hotel and ran with it, picking a different weekend, different show, different hotel. But no, he prioritised his brother not losing money over his girlfriend getting a present from him/for her.

JoBrandsCleaner · 29/03/2024 19:38

‘So it looks like both my daughters are now single 🙄’

— Thank God!! This is one I’ll never forget!

RampantIvy · 29/03/2024 19:25

Sennelier1 · 29/03/2024 18:41

I would wake up everybody early and leave without the BF. Really I would. Leave him behind.

He is now an ex.

Lyraloo · 29/03/2024 18:43

Who the hell are the 3% of people that think the OP is being unreasonable. Get a grip!!

Sennelier1 · 29/03/2024 18:41

I would wake up everybody early and leave without the BF. Really I would. Leave him behind.

WoosMama13 · 29/03/2024 18:19

Just read the thread properly. Glad it worked out! Hugs to your daughters though. Have a fantastic weekend!!

GreenFritillary · 29/03/2024 18:14

Total gaslighting. If DD allows this, she is setting herself up for coercive control. Help her get free of him now.

WoosMama13 · 29/03/2024 18:02

CruellaSeville · 28/03/2024 14:19

So this is her BF of 4 months? I'd sit her down right now and tell her exactly what has happened. The fact that he has completely trampled over your longstanding plan for her with all her family is a massive red flag. Who does he think he is?

Do not let him pretend his plan was the plan all along, make it clear that you discussed all this with him and have had this booked with everyone who loves her for months. She deserves to know so she can make an informed about what to do next.

Exactly this. As sad as it is to spoil the surprise, it saves him pitting you against him and putting your daughter in a very hard position.
Sounds like your daughter needs to be cautious. If he's doing this after four months, how long until he isolates her from you? Will be interesting to see how he reacts and what he says to your daughter when confronted with it all. That is of course, not necessarily what is happening, but worth keeping an eye on.
Or if he is really is just that thick and senseless, is he someone your daughter wants to waste time with, when she can do better? It's sweet, yes, but there were plans in place. He needed to plan around those.

Lozza59 · 29/03/2024 17:58

Hi if he’s booked with an online platform like booking.com or hotels.com the booking should be possible to amend and he could sell show tickets etc on fb. Lots or room options have free cancellation up to date dependant on choice of room. Then again he could be a total asshole and not done that! He will have to sweet talk hotel direct and change date. They may charge amendment charge but should be possible. What an idiot! What a lovely surprise. I’m sure she knows where her loyalties lie xxx

1974devon · 29/03/2024 17:52

Has he showed any controlling behaviours before..as taking away from family planned event sounds controlling. Said from experience.

NannaKaren · 29/03/2024 17:50

Yep he’s a control freak - look out for your DD.

ImTheMidsomerMurderer · 29/03/2024 17:07

@Grumpynan Hope you all have a wonderful time, and you daughter has a brilliant birthday 🎂 x

Scrunshine · 29/03/2024 13:15

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

What a ridiculous thing to say. You’d hate it?! And would be delighted that your BF had upset your entire family like this? Well maybe OP’s DD actually loves spending time with her family. Surely OP would know this better than you?!

Februaryfeels · 29/03/2024 12:35

It's a shame the surprise was spoiled but so pleased it all worked out

He was a huffy, childish twat.

I hope you all have a fab weekend

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 12:19

Tell your daughter the plan and what her boyfriend has done. Absolutely insane that he ruined your plans after agreeing to them.

Thos is his power move and what your daughter does next will set the tone for their relationship and how he treats her and her family.

NotTerfNorCis · 29/03/2024 11:57

He sounds like a self-centred, muddling kind of person. Tried to help his brother I guess, at the expense of your family. Glad it's all worked out okay.