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Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
Marchintospring · 01/04/2024 18:59

QuillBill · 01/04/2024 18:57

I'd have organised a family getaway because it's her 30th knowing no one else will have done anything and she doesn't have enough friends to do anything herself.

But her friends were going on the weekend away too. Confused

Two of them. So not enough for a party. I wonder if the two friends would have rather have organised their own thing for her if mum hadn't got in first.

Marchintospring · 01/04/2024 18:57

And yet when actually presented with the decision she chose the weekend away with her friends and her family and ended the relationship with the boyfriend.

It's almost as if her own mother knows her better than you do.

The PP point was about being an adult and having autonomy though. DD has got herself a job and a boyfriend. She's 30. Lovely that mummy has organised a family trip but why would the boyfriend NOT think that he should do something too? It sounds more like a family weekend away that coincides with her birthday.

QuillBill · 01/04/2024 18:57

I'd have organised a family getaway because it's her 30th knowing no one else will have done anything and she doesn't have enough friends to do anything herself.

But her friends were going on the weekend away too. Confused

Marchintospring · 01/04/2024 18:43

MetalFences · 31/03/2024 10:25

I'd be delighted actually.

Would you? Shock

Perhaps you a bit of a rubbish parent then because most people who have a daughter who is recovering from a MH problem and who have arranged a long weekend in a cottage in Devon for twelve adults and six children, including her boyfriend and her two best friends as a surprise for that daughter and who then had a boyfriend of four months arrange something else for that very weekend therefore putting her in a predicament where she had to choose between a weekend with eighteen people she cares about and him - would be concerned.

Tosh

I'd have organised a family getaway because it's her 30th knowing no one else will have done anything and she doesn't have enough friends to do anything herself.
Then she gets a boyfriend who wants to take her for a show she wants to see and a couple of nights in London. Something she doesn't get to do a lot of
That would be 100% fine by me.

( also Op gets a nice weekend away with family so it's not as if DD gas to feel bad she spoilt anything).

I would be more concerned my DD isn't ready to do something fun with the boyfriend actually.

Noyesnoyes · 31/03/2024 11:41

Charlie2121 · 31/03/2024 10:24

Surprise parties are awful. I think your daughter has dodged a bullet if she goes to London. I can’t imagine being an adult and having no autonomy over what I do with my time. You need to grow up. She’s 30 not 13.

Try reading the OPs posts, only five of them.

You may then be able to offer a worthwhile opinion!

User56785 · 31/03/2024 10:27

Charlie2121 · 31/03/2024 10:24

Surprise parties are awful. I think your daughter has dodged a bullet if she goes to London. I can’t imagine being an adult and having no autonomy over what I do with my time. You need to grow up. She’s 30 not 13.

And yet when actually presented with the decision she chose the weekend away with her friends and her family and ended the relationship with the boyfriend.

It's almost as if her own mother knows her better than you do.

MetalFences · 31/03/2024 10:25

I'd be delighted actually.

Would you? Shock

Perhaps you a bit of a rubbish parent then because most people who have a daughter who is recovering from a MH problem and who have arranged a long weekend in a cottage in Devon for twelve adults and six children, including her boyfriend and her two best friends as a surprise for that daughter and who then had a boyfriend of four months arrange something else for that very weekend therefore putting her in a predicament where she had to choose between a weekend with eighteen people she cares about and him - would be concerned.

Charlie2121 · 31/03/2024 10:24

Surprise parties are awful. I think your daughter has dodged a bullet if she goes to London. I can’t imagine being an adult and having no autonomy over what I do with my time. You need to grow up. She’s 30 not 13.

QuillBill · 31/03/2024 10:18

I know! 'Listened to what she said' my arse.

Imagine your girlfriend's parents arranging a weekend away with your family and your friends and then you saying
'actually I'm taking her to a show my sister in Law refused to go to' being described as thoughtful. It's crazy!

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2024 23:46

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 23:34

I'd be delighted actually. It was a show she wanted to see with her boyfriend who'd listened to what she had said.
She was still doing presents with the family. Invited family were all close. The only invited friends were two presumably close enough to spend a weekend with the family. I mean it's nice but essentially it's a family holiday not a present as such.

Show quote history

He did not listen! He got it off his brother who's own wife didnt want it, so it was repurposed and framed as a "thoughtful" gift from the BF who then threw a tantrum and ruined the OP's surprise when the DD said no thank you!

When she said no, she didnt know about the weekend away, she didnt want to go away with him!

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 23:34

Willmafrockfit · 30/03/2024 10:52

how would you feel as the mother of the birthday dd though?
why would he put the dd into this position where she has to choose one over the other?
that is the issue
no drip feed.

Show quote history

I'd be delighted actually. It was a show she wanted to see with her boyfriend who'd listened to what she had said.
She was still doing presents with the family. Invited family were all close. The only invited friends were two presumably close enough to spend a weekend with the family. I mean it's nice but essentially it's a family holiday not a present as such.

Scottishskifun · 30/03/2024 16:37

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 09:53

What reach?
He got the tickets off his brother because he thought, not unreasonably, it would be more celebratory than a family weekend walking dogs in Devon.
I agree.

The cottage is for 30 people.....including 2 of her close friends. In a house with a swimming pool, a meal already booked etc. Are you reading a different thread or just selectively ignoring this information and think the poor OP has been dragged to Devon to walk some dogs on her birthday?!

User56785 · 30/03/2024 14:58

Seriously? Your over the too "Surprise!" is just as dumb. Noone wants that. Especially someone recovering from mh problems

What! Nobody wants to go away to a cottage in Devon over the long weekend with their family?

That makes no sense at all. Of course people want that. The OP's daughter definitely does.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/03/2024 14:03

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 09:53

What reach?
He got the tickets off his brother because he thought, not unreasonably, it would be more celebratory than a family weekend walking dogs in Devon.
I agree.

They’ve been together four months. OP was rightly furious that he would undermine the plans he knew they had already made. And DD clearly agreed because it was enough to end the relationship.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/03/2024 13:58

Willmafrockfit · 30/03/2024 10:49

and yet when the dd cancelled the london present she didnt know about the surprise until then!

Because arsehole boyfriend told her when she rejected the gift.

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 30/03/2024 12:54

pookie999 · 30/03/2024 10:25

Seriously? Your over the too "Surprise!" is just as dumb. Noone wants that. Especially someone recovering from mh problems

Show quote history

Well the dd obviously did!

Grrrpredictivetex · 30/03/2024 12:36

@Grumpynan where abouts did you find this fabulous sounding cottage? Trying to book something similar. Have a great time.

Misty333 · 30/03/2024 12:35

What happened?

Willmafrockfit · 30/03/2024 10:52

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 09:35

@Noyesnoyes

My thoughts were the boyfriend hadn't planned anything big because it's only 4 months in. Then the opportunity came up.
Personally if my boyfriend lived at home and his family were taking him to Devon for his birthday I'd assume they hadn't really put much effort into it. It's a nice thing to do ( for everyone) not a "special" 30th surprise. They were going to do the morning in Devon.

Awaits some massive drip feed anyway.

Edited

how would you feel as the mother of the birthday dd though?
why would he put the dd into this position where she has to choose one over the other?
that is the issue
no drip feed.

Willmafrockfit · 30/03/2024 10:49

and yet when the dd cancelled the london present she didnt know about the surprise until then!

Scottishskifun · 30/03/2024 10:41

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 10:11

Before anyone says well you've said he was trying to be "more" than the Op....I think a show and posh hotel in London are more one off celebratory events then going away for Easter with the people you live with.
It wasn't planned it was taking the opportunity that arose.

It sounds like your making your own narrative here!

The Easter weekend included extended family and 2 of her close friends not just her parents and sister in what sounds like a amazing house with a swimming pool.

The bf tried to palm off and get credit for something he didn't plan but bought after his brothers wife said no. He also tried to jump in first knowing full well what was planned and turned spiteful when told no thank you to a reused not thought through present. I'm not sure which bit of this your failing to understand.

pookie999 · 30/03/2024 10:25

MoltenLasagne · 28/03/2024 14:35

You need to tell him to rebook. The purpose of the weekend was so that DD got to spend lots of time with all her family who loved her, not for her to disappear after a couple of hours. What a complete idiot that man is.

Seriously? Your over the too "Surprise!" is just as dumb. Noone wants that. Especially someone recovering from mh problems

Noyesnoyes · 30/03/2024 10:18

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 09:49

I'm not arguing! I'm debating an alternative veiwpoint. People do it all the time

Why is that odd?

It's odd because you don't even believe it happened?

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 10:11

Before anyone says well you've said he was trying to be "more" than the Op....I think a show and posh hotel in London are more one off celebratory events then going away for Easter with the people you live with.
It wasn't planned it was taking the opportunity that arose.

Marchintospring · 30/03/2024 09:53

What reach?
He got the tickets off his brother because he thought, not unreasonably, it would be more celebratory than a family weekend walking dogs in Devon.
I agree.