BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

Tell your dd. He’s a twat.

Sorry but I would go ape at him. I wouldn’t let him into my home again. Massive, massive red flag.

Oh my, what a nightmare OP, hope you get it straightened out!

You need to tell her.

Tell him sorry but that won't be happening - we have arranged a weekend away with dd, her family and friends and we told you about it. Cancel the tickets or reschedule.

Then tell your daughter the plan.

4 months in - red flags waving waving waving.

It’s not ruined yet, don’t throw in the towel and let this twerp have his way.

Get in there first with dd and explain what’s happened.

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

Dear DD's boyfriend... why do you think DD would want to drive to Devon tomorrow, see her friends and family and then miss out on her birthday meal to spend 5 hours drving to London to see a show, leaving everyone who has gathered to celebrate with her, in Devon. You need to reconsider this illadvised plan of yours and find a different present. Do not ask her to choose between you and her family. It is completely inappropriate.

You're not unreasonable for being upset he has done this.
You are unreasonable though to have booked a big birthday bash for your daughter without telling her. Could it be possible that he told her and she freaked out as she doesn't want that? And asked him to help her get out of it?
Not everyone likes surprise birthday parties.

He’s either very controlling or thick as mince.

Huge red flag here. Bf wants dd to choose him or her family. I'm sorry but I think you might have to tell dd. What a nasty person her bf is.

I should have clarified, I only suggested that wording so as to smooth over - I think he's an arsehole whose done it deliberately, but the long term goal is that OP is the reasonable one and the boyfriend shows he's a dick, and sometimes that means playing nice when you don't want to. I personally would stick up for my mum in this situation, but many years of observation has shown me that people are capable of twisting themselves in knots to defend a new squeeze, and if OP's DD is someone likely to do that, then blowing up will just serve to drive a wedge.

Did you tell her boyfriend that his plans were unacceptable and that he needed to change them to another weekend? If not then you need to call him back and make this clear.

I’d be on the phone to him setting out my thoughts ! I’d be very worried about his intentions.

Agree with others just be firm, remind this little prick that friends etc. have planned it all, sorry he misunderstood the very clear arrangements, you hope he can get a refund etc.

You need to tell him to rebook. The purpose of the weekend was so that DD got to spend lots of time with all her family who loved her, not for her to disappear after a couple of hours. What a complete idiot that man is.

Surely not, I would be really concerned at this sort of behaviour.

You need to reply and say as others have suggested ‘no sorry, we have plans all weekend so that just won’t work, please reschedule and do not put daughter in awkward position. This was an expensive trip’

Let us know how it goes! I would be furious

That's ludicrous! I would be so annoyed, OP, and I agree with those saying to be very matter of fact about it e.g. I don't know how you've got your wires crossed, BF, but obviously the London trip can't happen this weekend due to the plans that 18 people already have in place hmmkay.

Tell him no. I’m gobsmacked he thinks this is ok!

Lets see what happens with DD before we think red flags, if he comes clean and says he got the wrong end of the stick, and tries to move it then no harm

If he sulks like a baby, then theres the red flag and he is a twat

It's not really sweet though. He's trying to make her choose between her family and him.

When will you see DD? I'd let her know the plans ASAP, it's still a bit of a surprise. Speak to the friends that are coming too.

I would ring him and be honest and say 'this is really sweet, but we booked and paid for you both to come with us all weekend - you'll need to change the ticket dates'
Why on earth would you agree to go along with his changes?? You booked first? I'd do the above and see what he says then decide what you should do. If he's booked a non refundable hotel that's on him.

Massive red flag. He’s trying to get her to choose him over you. Tell him he needs to change the dates of his plans and get her friends fully aware of what is going on so that you have their support. It’s a horrible situation that he’s put you in.

Tell dd your plans without him there.. Then tell her he has totally disrespected all of you. He sounds quite unhinged... If dd really wanted to see the show surely you would know that anyway? Doesn't bode well imo .