Page 14 | BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

Grumpynan · 2024-03-28T14:15:20+00:00

Little long winded, so sorry. little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago. last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !. so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans. discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !. so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘ his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “ what the f*&% I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused. hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼♀️ I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here . sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

Nousernamesleftatall · 28/03/2024 15:11

TedMullins · 28/03/2024 15:05

Hmm. Could he have just got over excited and carried away with his plans and booked this with good intentions? Devon to London will take hours so obviously he's not really thought it through logistically, but unless you think he has some nefarious agenda it seems a bit of a leap to think he's intentionally trampling on your plans and trying to take her away from family.

I also think sitting her down after work and telling her what's happened is really unnecessary. Why would you put a dampener on her birthday? I get you're disappointed but it's not really about you. Can't you just go with the flow and let his plan happen? So she'll travel down and see family, have a lovely Friday evening at the cottage, then the BF will bring out his London surprise tomorrow (if it's a show she wants to see, she'll likely be delighted). Can't the rest of the family have a nice weekend away when she's gone to London?

What are the friends supposed to do? Only stay one night, stay when their friend has left?

Excited101 · 28/03/2024 15:11

BandyMcBandface · 28/03/2024 15:08

I think you need to take back the control here, as her family. This ‘boyfriend of 4 months’ is nothing and he needs putting back in his place.

He shouldn’t have booked knowing there were conflicting plans, but the talk of putting him in his place and taking back control… WTF? No one should be being controlling here.

No, he shouldn’t have done. To quote another poster ‘who does he think he is?!’ It’s 4 months- it’s not fair or appropriate that he’s dominating this existing plan with his ott ideas for the weekend! So yes, the family need to take back the reins and assert themselves here! The plans have been made, he will need to rearrange.

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/03/2024 15:11

ToxicChristmas · 28/03/2024 14:52

This.
I think you've got to ruin the surprise sadly and tell DD. That's the boyfriends fault, not yours.
I feel for her because either way she has to disappoint someone. It's her birthday and she's definitely going to piss someone off and that's really unfair.

Show quote history

The DD has to know at some point - and sooner is better in any case, because there's no worse feeling than thinking nobody has planned anything for your birthday (or - obviously - mentioned it to you!). The surprise is often spoilt by feeling hard done by in advance!

I'm in team 'tell her now, tell her when it was booked, that newby bf KNEW and has crashed right through it.

Axx · 28/03/2024 15:11

I would have messaged him back to say that obviously can't happen. We've booked the holiday for her.

MillieIou · 28/03/2024 15:09

Tell her your plans. His behaviour is a major red flag.

BandyMcBandface · 28/03/2024 15:08

I think you need to take back the control here, as her family. This ‘boyfriend of 4 months’ is nothing and he needs putting back in his place.

He shouldn’t have booked knowing there were conflicting plans, but the talk of putting him in his place and taking back control… WTF? No one should be being controlling here.

Excited101 · 28/03/2024 15:06

I think you need to take back the control here, as her family. This ‘boyfriend of 4 months’ is nothing and he needs putting back in his place.

‘Im sorry, but you’ll need to rearrange it for another weekend. This has all been booked and rearranged and to split the weekend isn’t possible.’

I’m not sure I’d involve her at this point, it’s putting her in a really awkward position and could prevent her from being able to really relax and enjoy her time. But that depends on what she’s like.

Don’t like him steamroller like this! I’d be livid!!

TedMullins · 28/03/2024 15:05

Hmm. Could he have just got over excited and carried away with his plans and booked this with good intentions? Devon to London will take hours so obviously he's not really thought it through logistically, but unless you think he has some nefarious agenda it seems a bit of a leap to think he's intentionally trampling on your plans and trying to take her away from family.

I also think sitting her down after work and telling her what's happened is really unnecessary. Why would you put a dampener on her birthday? I get you're disappointed but it's not really about you. Can't you just go with the flow and let his plan happen? So she'll travel down and see family, have a lovely Friday evening at the cottage, then the BF will bring out his London surprise tomorrow (if it's a show she wants to see, she'll likely be delighted). Can't the rest of the family have a nice weekend away when she's gone to London?

MyTravelMugIsForVodkaShhh · 28/03/2024 15:05

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

Thing is it’s also 2 of her best mates, so a lot of people who know the DD really well. She’s going to have family and mates there who have all planned this around celebrating with her. You’d have to realllllly dislike your family/friends to not love this. And the DD has chosen not to make any plans herself. So sounds like she’s going to love this!

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 28/03/2024 15:03

But you also have to tell her idiot BF that he needs to re-arrange. Give him as much notice as poss, like NOW so that he can re-sell ticket and give notice on the hotel booking, re-arrange and surprise her with the new arrangement.

Important that she doesn’t feel piggy in the middle. No one wants that for their b’day.

Mumof2teens79 · 28/03/2024 15:02

It does sound controlling. And if it's not he has not handled it well at all.
You have had this booked 6 months. Her best friends are coming.
But you only told him a few weeks ago....is it possible he already had the show tickets? He should have said when you first told him.

How far are you travelling to Devon? Travelling down Friday, arriving lunch time. 24 hours there....and then he is planning on 48hrs in London? That would be a two night stay? Is he possibly just thinking quick overnight in London?

Okokokokokplease · 28/03/2024 15:00

I think you and husband need to speak to BF first and persuade to change the date. If you tell your daughter first it will ruin her birthday because if the dilemma.

DysmalRadius · 28/03/2024 15:00

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

His plan is just as much 'booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up' as theirs though and she didn't even have a boyfriend when they planned it so there's no way for that option to have been considered.

I also think that the pressure and expectations on her to leave the family and friends trip and go off on a separate birthday 'weekend within a weekend' would be much harder to handle.

summersundays · 28/03/2024 14:58

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

I feel exactly the same, I wouldn't have wanted to go away with my family for my 30th birthday, especially as a surprise, that could be so overwhelming and she could have had something fun and exciting to do with her friends or boyfriend. I think he's got the wrong end of the stick and booked her an exciting weekend away, I'd be sad to have missed out on that chance at 30.

Gazelda · 28/03/2024 14:58

Your poor daughter.

One way or another, she's going to feel the centre of a row on her birthday.

I'm so sorry your lovely plans have been spoiled by this idiot.

Original poster

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:58

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

When this was booked they was no thought she would get a partner, and we didn’t want a rerun of the last couple of birthdays.

i know she will love this, she has her own room with bathroom, there’s a swimming pool / huge tv / log fires with her family and friends. There’s a lovely pub down the road so the younger ones can go out and we babysit. Lovely walks for the dogs, it’s right up her street. She couldn’t have coped with it last year, but this year it’s different. We all go away together, but go do our own things as we want, we have gone away together like this before just never at Easter.

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 28/03/2024 14:53

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:50

Thank you for all your replies, I’ve calmed down now.

DH is home, and has suggested we go and pick her up from work at 4.30 when she finishes and take her out for a coffee/drink or something and tell her about the weekend then. BF not due to our until 6.30 won’t see her until then. I don’t believe he will contact her before then, she’s not allowed phones in work and we will be at the door as she comes out.

I’ve decided I don’t like him, which is a shame he seemed ok, but I don’t want her hurt

Do you mean you'll tell her that he's double-booked as well? Because even if he backs down, he's still fucking up your nice surprise by creating a problem where you now have to explain that you've done this lovely thing but her (moronic) BF has done this stupid thing, and that gives her a problem rather than a gift. You can't not tell her about his side of things either because you know about it and it's going to be an issue.

ToxicChristmas · 28/03/2024 14:52

Fulshaw · 28/03/2024 14:40

He’s either very controlling or thick as mince.

This.
I think you've got to ruin the surprise sadly and tell DD. That's the boyfriends fault, not yours.
I feel for her because either way she has to disappoint someone. It's her birthday and she's definitely going to piss someone off and that's really unfair.

Cbljgdpk · 28/03/2024 14:51

Massive red flag; either he’s a manipulative arsehole or incredibly stupid. Tell your DD but be careful; if he tries to make her choose this may be a way of trying to damage the relationship between you all and isolate her. Don’t put her in a position of choosing; try to take charge and ask him directly to rebook his plans. If he does say it’s up to her say to him that no one is making her choose.

moreoutsidespace · 28/03/2024 14:51

I’d not be happy with this at all OP. I think you need to tell your DD but also tell the b/f he will need to change his plans. He cannot take over like that.

Pipsquiggle · 28/03/2024 14:51

You or your DH needs to speak to him now. Put him straight. Particularly as businesses will close for the long weekend in a couple of hours.

He needs to rearrange his plans. What a complete, thoughtless dickhead.

At best he's being really thick; at worst, manipulative & controlling.

It will be an awkward conversation but you need to have it. What a twat.

HummingbirdChandelier · 28/03/2024 14:51

As he knew about the family party and had accepted the invitation, surely he could have organised the exciting weekend away for another date?

this is very awkward for you, @Grumpynan

Original poster

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:50

Thank you for all your replies, I’ve calmed down now.

DH is home, and has suggested we go and pick her up from work at 4.30 when she finishes and take her out for a coffee/drink or something and tell her about the weekend then. BF not due to our until 6.30 won’t see her until then. I don’t believe he will contact her before then, she’s not allowed phones in work and we will be at the door as she comes out.

I’ve decided I don’t like him, which is a shame he seemed ok, but I don’t want her hurt

OP posts:

KarateSchnitzel · 28/03/2024 14:49

He's also planning to give her present early so he can get his surprise in before you do.

CruellaSeville · 28/03/2024 14:48

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 14:43

I'm going to go against the grain here, but my first thought was that booking a surprise weekend away for a grown up adult is a big no no in my book. There's just too much pressure and expectations. What if your DD doesn't really enjoy big family celebrations?

At her age I would much rather do something spontaneous and cool like going away with my new exciting BF. In fact being stuck in a cottage (did you check the weather forecast?) with family including 6 kids sounds like my idea of hell.

At least at 30 I would like to celebrate in my own way, not according to my parents' plans and ideas.

The point is not about what the activity is at all. It's about the fact that the OP's daughter's brand new BF thinks it appropriate to ruin 15 people's plans for the weekend and put his GF in the very difficult position on her birthday of basically having to choose between him and her friends and family. A caring, loving person wouldn't do that.