BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

It’s not interfering in your adult child’s life to book them a birthday surprise, especially after a difficult time. And the bf was not on the scene then, and has since been invited and accepted

Can you speak to or message the friends that are going, do they know the boyfriend?

Maybe give him the opportunity to rearrange - it will be enlightening how he reacts:

"Hi Sydney, we have given this a lot of thought and given that we have a family meal booked for our daughter's birthday on the Saturday night, it really won't be a good thing for you to change the plans that we've had in place for our daughter for the last 6 months. Our plans have always included the wider family and friends. We invited you as a guest. Perhaps you didn't mean to ride roughshod over our celebration of Edith's 30th, but it is not something we are at all happy about. Please can you rebook for another date and we will not discuss this again? If you don't consider rebooking and this turns into a battle of wills, please consider yourself uninvited. Beryl."

OP realises that her daughter has had a tough two years and her last birthdays have rubbish.
She knows her daughter better then you do..

Hope you don’t mind me playing devils advocate here, but could there be a chance that he’d already put his plans in place a few weeks ago, before knowing about the Devon trip? Maybe he was a bit of a coward and didn’t know how to say. I think it’s going to come down to what your daughter is happy with and if it’s his present, you’ll need to let it happen. If she’s genuinely happy then that’s all really. Families are all different and it could be that, although thoughtless, he might come from a family that don’t do big celebrations so he just thought combining the two would be fine. To me it’s probably nothing more than that

We all go away together, but go do our own things as we want, we have gone away together like this before just never at Easter.

Any chance at all he didn't realise it was specifically a birthday think and not just a big family holiday?

I agree, I'm eternally grateful that my parents kept their noses right out of my relationships, especially at 30.

@Grumpynan are you going to ring the BF? Or leave that up to DD?

Just thinking he might be able to postpone his plans if you tell him sooner rather than later

Definitely meet her from work and tell her about the trip. Be clear that boyfriend has been invited too and has known about it since x date, but today he tells you that he’s booked a competing event on Saturday and you aren’t sure how to handle that, as you don’t want to be rude to him, but not sure why he would then book something to remove you from the trip. Be clear he knew about your surprise trip before booking his thing.

People really need to stop projecting their teenage angst on the Op’s 30 year old daughter. They have been planning this big celebration for 6 months! The new boyfriend is only 4 months in and is creepily trying to spoil the family treat and love bomb the daughter.

Definitely tell her first and tell her you invited her new boyfriend along. Don’t bring up his “present” at all. You are trying to inoculate her against his manipulation.

You tell him a definite NO.
His plans will NOT be happening.
He is NOT to present this to your daughter as a gift.
No no no no.
Be firm.

This a giant red flag.

I also think huge red flag if you’ve invited her best friends and he is basically love bombing her. He could have done london next weekend! How far is the drive to Devon?

Bloody hell, imagine being the two best friends in that situation and the new bf whisks your friend away to London leaving you with you pal's parents and nieces and nephews! The man is either hard of understanding or a real piece of work.

@theescapeladder don't you think the family who have been supporting her through tough times are likely to know her better than the new BF?

That's madness!
It's a crazy thing to do given the plans that were in place.
I can't fathom what he was thinking.

Obviously not, but it’s all surprises for her, so that’s moot, unless they tell her and she says what she wants to do. But it’s massively unfair on the family.

4 months is hardly any time at all, this is really bizarre of him to plough on right through with this when her family have planned a big event of their own- that he’s known about! Many couples haven’t even told friends and family they’re together yet in that time, presents for birthdays are usually small/modest- not one of the couple ploughing on through and trampling over a pre arranged surprise weekend away.

Presumably her family and friends think the world of dd. And dd of them if you planned such a trip believing she will have a great time. A bf of 4 months is nowt but a cf imo. A chancer.. And a moody one I bet.

Good grief. If my parents interfered to this level it would a one-way ticket to telling them to fuck off and running off with the boyfriend.

What a knob

What did he say when you said about the table that is booked for the meal Saturday evening ?

This is obviously the type of celebrations your DD will enjoy, you know her best.

4 months in he shouldn't be changing plans you've made. He is either dense or sly

Uhm... Did you miss the part of the OP which quotes the BF saying that he booked tickets for the show DD wants to see?

And the part where @Grumpynan admits that DD is in for a quiet Easter as far as she knows? She doesn't know about the cottage plans so perhaps going to London for a show is what SHE wants?

I think the issue here is that no matter how good the intentions are, pushing a big birthday bash on an unsuspecting adult is taking a huge risk.

He thinks he’s her boyfriend! Which he is.

What if the DD doesn’t want to go on the holiday - would you insist the family “take back control” then, and make her?

I'm assuming that they're friends with the wider family if they're involved in the plan, so I don't see why everyone else can't just make the most of a weekend in the cottage.

Agree with this.
I'd speak to DD before BF whips in, and be prepared to evidence that he knew of your booking in advance.

Yes agreed. She's a 30 year old woman and he is presumably a 30ish year old man – you sound way overinvolved in her relationship. Yes, he's been disorganised but I really don't get the strength of feeling tbh. Just see it as he's got her an added birthday bonus

That’s actually infuriating. And as others have said, a giant waving red flag.