BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

I think your plan sounds lovely but I do think it’s a bit odd to invite a bf of only 4 months, especially when the rest of the people are family and long term friends.

What he’s done is a very shitty thing to do but I wonder if it’s his way of getting out of it because most people would feel uncomfortable about spending the weekend with a partners family who they’ve only been with for 4 months.

I would speak to him and ask him to arrange his plans for the following weekend as there’s no way your DD would be happy leaving her family and friends when they’ve made so much effort to go there for her bday.

Agree with this.

I hope the conversation went calmly and smoothly and she can actually see what he's done here: undermined her family and friends who were planning to celebrate her in a way they knew she'd love, in spite of being included despite being new to the scene here.

I'm also SO angry for you!!

It's absolutely outrageous and at just four months too!

It's as if he's really enjoying completely ruining a lovely and very expensive weekend for the whole of his GF's family.

It's bordering on psychotic behaviour IMO and is a massive red flag - he's trying to assert his dominance and create a big wedge between your DD and her family right at the start of the relationship.

Your DD needs to run for the hills...

I really really hope your daughter and the rest of the family are still able to enjoy your weekend. It sounds like she deserves it!

What an idiot. maybe because he wants some time alone with your daughter over her birthday he thinks you should ‘share’ the weekend with her. And that a 1 day appearance in Devon is reasonable. But a boyfriend of 4 months is not equal to 18 of her closest friends and family members! AND your plans had already been arranged. Completely selfish.

I don’t know if it’s better or worse that he happened to tell you in advance rather than after she knew about your trip or Saturday morning when she was already in Devon!

Really weird as to what this guy's up to. Sadly think he needs to be uninvited from the time away and told in no uncertain terms that he is not upsetting everyone else's prearranged plans.
As your daughter has had a tough few years and is recovering to some extent she could be 'vulnerable' and maybe not made the best choice of boyfriend.
Really hope you get this sorted - sounds like your daughter really needs this special time with you all.

OP, you probably won't see this but be careful. Part of the manipulation may well be to cause a row and to portray you as the big bad family who are controlling HER.

This is incredibly strange. I don't even think it's possible to misunderstand that this is a surprise present of a holiday, which requires the recipient to actually go on the holiday for more than 12 hours.

I'd have ended up replying that I didn't understand how his plans fit in, to make him explain his logic.

Loving parents concerned about their adult child's welfare!!!

Did you miss the bit about her having a shit couple of years??

What is actually wrong with some of you people!??

Didn't mean it to come across as aggressive, just non-negotiable and assertive @Okokokokokplease. He has already been reminded of the plans for Saturday night and has ignored @Grumpynan 's polite reminder of those plans, so he is clearly a wrong 'un. He needs telling, straight or he will continue to trample all over this lovely family.

I think the OP knows her own daughter.

Totally agree, also splashing so much cash 4 months in is a red flag.

JFC I got the rage just reading that. Either he is really really stupid or a manipulative arsehole.

The bf is giving me big red flags. Why would anyone do what he has done? Multiple other people have set aside time and money for this weekend. I actually think your DD should know, because it's really odd and rude behaviour on his part.

I’d message him as you set out to meet DD-

Hi, Phil. Such a shame about your plans but there’s no way that will work with the big extended celebration we’ve already arranged. Her friends have arranged to come and would be very disappointed for her to not be there. I do hope you can get your money back and do it another time!

Bit bizarre to play along until the very last minute and then trample all over plans you had made months in advance. The thing is, he could have booked her a lovely trip to London for another weekend and gave her tickets as a gift to open rather than attempting to spoil everything.

If he did tell your daughter and they organised it together as an excuse to leave, surely she could’ve hinted weeks before that she would like to do something with her bf rather than a big celebration with all her family and friends.

OP has texts to prove he knows so it would actually be better for him to lie that he didn’t know so her daughter can know he is also a manipulative liar.

He sounds like a right idiot

I don’t even think it should get to the stage where anyone tells the DD what the idiot boyfriend has done, he needs to be told you’re all sticking with the original plan and he’ll have to rebook his treat for another time.

I don’t know how anyone can defend the boyfriend. If you know someone has made plans, and you try and make “better” plans at the same time, it’s just wrong. Why would anyone do that? You basically know you’re going to be upsetting people. It’s mind boggling that the boyfriend booked show tickets and a hotel, knowing his girlfriend already had plans that weekend, that involved a lot of other people going to a lot of trouble.

But what all this confirms is what I already thought - surprise parties/trips/events are a recipe for disaster.

One of you needs to speak to the boyfriend and tell him he needs to rearrange his plans as yours were made first. Tell him ASAP as he probably won't be able to do anything on good Friday. He sounds incredibly thoughtless of he knew you had already made big plans.

I'm commenting on the posts saying OP needs to put him in his place, take back control, tell him what's what etc. No one irl behaves like that surely, not when their child is 30 years old!!

Alternative theory.

You told bf about family trip, he told daughter, this isn’t how she wanted to spend her 30th and so she’s got him to book what she actually wants?

30th birthdays can do funny things to people.

If she however loves nothing better than a big family get together, then it is likely entirely his doing.

Oh wow.
He knows you had an entire family weekend planned and decided to take her away from that?
Yea sit her down, tell her what’s planned. Tell her BF was invited for the whole weekend and knew all the plans and then said he’s going to tell you he wants to leave Saturday morning.

utter utter cunt

What a dickhead.

Tell him that this has been booked for some time, the entire family are going and she is not available for London this weekend.

Tell him to rearrange.

If it were me I would offer to negotiate with the theatre and hotel on his behalf.

He sounds like a right melon.

Not this ⬆️Far too aggressive and will guarantee a big fall out. Approach it in a more friendly way !