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Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2024 17:17

He's being a twat, a boundary stomping one at that. If this was my boyfriend and think he was a twat who had deliberately upset my plans.

Has anything else he's done think he may be trying to isolate her from her family because this a move designed to make her choose between you.

craigth162 · 28/03/2024 17:16

Massive red flags from him!!!! He thinks he is more important than her family and can control what she does. If its not that then hes just a complete idiot who is stupidly unaware of anything around him

MrTiddlesTheCat · 28/03/2024 17:15

As others have said, he's either asserting control over her or he's as thick as mince. Neither is good.

6pence · 28/03/2024 17:14

So instead of two lovely weekends away, he’s spoilt everything. She’s going to have FOMO, whichever option she chooses.

Bookworm1111 · 28/03/2024 17:14

Whoa, massive red flag alert from the boyfriend! He knew what you had planned but is trying to outdo you with the London trip. Clearly he doesn't give a shit about ingratiating himself to her family. I'm so glad you're going to tell her!

Brefugee · 28/03/2024 17:11

gosh don't plead. Tell DD what's happened and let her choose.
But you would not be UR to be cross if she picks his tickets.

slore · 28/03/2024 17:09

NamingConundrum · 28/03/2024 17:06

I'd ring, tell him it has been booked as a weekend to celebrate birthday since before they got together. Ask him if he's considered that he will really upset DD when he gives her the tickets as he'll be asking her to choose between spending the weekend you've had planned for her or his present and strongly suggest he tries to move his booking to another time so DD doesn't get upset.

Actually yes, do this. Plead with him to change the dates first, before spoiling your daughter's surprise. This could salvage the whole thing if he's just a complete cretin, rather than malicious.

Workhardcryharder · 28/03/2024 17:09

theescapeladder · 28/03/2024 15:14

Uhm... Did you miss the part of the OP which quotes the BF saying that he booked tickets for the show DD wants to see?

And the part where @Grumpynan admits that DD is in for a quiet Easter as far as she knows? She doesn't know about the cottage plans so perhaps going to London for a show is what SHE wants?

I think the issue here is that no matter how good the intentions are, pushing a big birthday bash on an unsuspecting adult is taking a huge risk.

Show quote history

Oh great, so instead of getting to do both, she now only gets to do one…. Because of him

pegpuff · 28/03/2024 17:08

It’s actually very concerning.

NamingConundrum · 28/03/2024 17:06

I'd ring, tell him it has been booked as a weekend to celebrate birthday since before they got together. Ask him if he's considered that he will really upset DD when he gives her the tickets as he'll be asking her to choose between spending the weekend you've had planned for her or his present and strongly suggest he tries to move his booking to another time so DD doesn't get upset.

dottydodah · 28/03/2024 17:05

He is being an arse! I think he must have known and know you will be upset about his plans .I would message him and explain you have family arriving .I would not expect she will be happy about the plans anyway. It sounds like he is trying to take over to me

Irishmama100 · 28/03/2024 17:03

I am so sorry this has happened. I got a chill reading your post. How controlling of BF to do that. No matter what way this goes this will sour your daughter’s big birthday. I am hoping she picks her family and friends and kicks him to the kerb. Do let us know how you get on.

Brefugee · 28/03/2024 17:03

CruellaSeville · 28/03/2024 14:19

So this is her BF of 4 months? I'd sit her down right now and tell her exactly what has happened. The fact that he has completely trampled over your longstanding plan for her with all her family is a massive red flag. Who does he think he is?

Do not let him pretend his plan was the plan all along, make it clear that you discussed all this with him and have had this booked with everyone who loves her for months. She deserves to know so she can make an informed about what to do next.

yep, do this

slore · 28/03/2024 17:00

This is the epitome of why surprise parties for adults are not a good idea.

But that aside, the boyfriend's behaviour is terrible.

Being generous, he was just childish and inconsiderate and doesn't have sufficient foresight to understand that he has spoiled a surprise; put his girlfriend in an awkward situation; and potentially ruined the plans of 18 people! He thinks this grand gesture is a welcome way to show that he cares about your daughter just as much as her family, and that it has to be near/on her birthday because he's childish.

At worst, he's forcing your daughters hand and being territorial over her.

Now you'll have to tell your daughter and he's already destroyed the whole surprise element.

But just be warned, if she perceives he's well-meaning and you're being mean to him, she could take his side and go off with him.

Sagittarius · 28/03/2024 17:00

Well I think its a lovely thing that you are doing OP, you know your daughter better than anyone else and you know that she will love this surprise. I'm unsure why others are protecting their opinions about how they wouldn't like this, you don't need the explain and justify it!

As for the boyfriend, if he had booked something unknowingly before you mentioned the trip, if he was a decent person he would have changed the dates at that point. The fact he thinks it's perfectly fine to whisk her away from a trip you have had planned for months is completely disrespectful, or he's as thick as 2 short planks.

He's put your daughter in a horrible situation , and at 4 months they can't really be that serious either

trippily · 28/03/2024 16:59

I also can't tell if he is stupid or evil. What did you say to him?!

Jadedbuthappy82 · 28/03/2024 16:58

I agree with the pp who suggested he has informed you of his plans very recently to make you panic (and rightly so, you've planned such a lovely weekend for your daughter) and cause a row/rift between you and dd. My ex was always spoiling birthdays, when I look back he was doing it right from the start and gradually tried to pull me away from all my (very close) family ad friends. He's borderline psychopath in my opinion, incredibly controlling and even now, 5 yes after I fled DV with our children, continues to drag me through court simply to exert control over our lives.
Going back, I wish my family/friends had helped me see without doubt that he was unhinged. Would have saved so much heartache. Hold firm with your plans and tell him sorry but no.

jackstini · 28/03/2024 16:58

So everyone who has planned and paid for this wonderful surprise for your dd - he expects to sit there for half the weekend without her?!

He's either completely clueless or has a superiority complex
What an idiot to even put her in this position - it's horrible
Great idea with the show and hotel but completely wrong dates - why would he want her to miss out on such a lovely weekend - do his plan another time so she has 2 special weekends, not 1 stressed out one

He needs to change it

You know her best - see how she takes the news of the family plan. If she loves it all, you need to tell him to change it

beccagalli · 28/03/2024 16:57

I would love your plan OP, and would have at 30 too. Family time is precious. If my DH tried to upset a plan my DM had made, let alone a BF of only a few months, I'd be furious. I hope you're able to find a solution and have a lovely weekend still.

RisingSunn · 28/03/2024 16:57

So basically he didn’t want to go on the surprise trip with all of her family and friends, so he has thrown a spanner in the works to get out of it early.

SecondHandFurniture · 28/03/2024 16:57

I can't really get past him brushing off the celebration meal on Saturday by saying "It's ok, I have it all planned, she won't be there." Like, what?

Rosscameasdoody · 28/03/2024 16:56

If he hasn’t misunderstood the plans this is a huge red flag for control OP. Tell him he’ll have to change his plans because he was clearly told you had this planned. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

pinkfondu · 28/03/2024 16:55

What a cock

SchoolQuestionnaire · 28/03/2024 16:54

I’m seriously questioning his motives. Is he trying to swoop in claim he organised the whole thing or trying to outdo you or cut her off from her family? Either way it’s a dick move and if my dh had done something like this when my dm had organised a lovely surprise I’d have been furious with him.

Manxexile · 28/03/2024 16:54

EmmaBumblebee · 28/03/2024 15:57

Hope you don’t mind me playing devils advocate here, but could there be a chance that he’d already put his plans in place a few weeks ago, before knowing about the Devon trip? Maybe he was a bit of a coward and didn’t know how to say. I think it’s going to come down to what your daughter is happy with and if it’s his present, you’ll need to let it happen. If she’s genuinely happy then that’s all really. Families are all different and it could be that, although thoughtless, he might come from a family that don’t do big celebrations so he just thought combining the two would be fine. To me it’s probably nothing more than that

I wonder if this ^ might be the case too.

I'd have to say my idea of hell would be to discover that I had to spend a surprise weekend on my birthday away from home and with all my "... brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of [my] best friend ... 12 adults and 6 children !" I really couldn't imagine anything worse...

Of course the DD might like nothing more than that - or perhaps she'd rather see the show she's been dying to see in London...

Yes the BF seems to have been a complete dickhead but perhaps the DD's already in on it. Who knows.

This is the problem with planning big surprises for adults. You don't know how they'll react to it unless you tell them beforehand...

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