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Original poster

BF booked surprise trip knowing big birthday bash arranged

388 replies

Grumpynan · 28/03/2024 14:15

Little long winded, so sorry.

little back history, daughter 30 on Easter Saturday, lives with us and her younger sister, moved back home about 18 months ago after a really bad couple of years. Slowly recovered, her health improved and she’s getting her life back and got a new BF about 4 months ago.

last year her birthday was not so good, but made the best of things and tried to make it special for her. About 6 months ago DH and I got talking and decided to book something special this birthday, it is Easter after all, and she’s 30 !. So we booked a lovely cottage in Devon, it’s huge, all her brothers/SIL’S/neices/nephews and 2 of her best friend are coming 12 adults and 6 children !.

so far she knows nothing about it, the plan is for everyone to travel down Friday (tomorrow) and be there when we arrive at lunch time. We will tell her when she gets in from work tonight so she can pack. As far as she’s concerned it’s a quiet Easter as everyone has other plans.

discussed all this with BF a few weeks ago when it was obvious they were getting serious and he will need to be included. Plan with him to arrive tonight to have dinner, bringing his bags with him !.

so this morning he messaged, all good, bags packed and he’s coming straight from work. Wanted to know when everyone would be giving gifts ? I replied probably Saturday morning . He then came back with “ brilliant I’ll try and hold back that long , but I’m so excited I might give her mine tonight 😂 “. I replied, “ sounds intriguing, do I get any clues, or is it a secret? ‘

his reply ——- “ I’ve booked tickets for a show in London she wants to see, it’s on Saturday, so I’ve booked to stay in a posh hotel Saturday night, so we will get to spend the weekend in London and I can really spoil her “

what the f*&%

I asked him about the holiday we’ve arranged and the table we’ve booked for Saturday to celebrate, he knew all the arrangements, and seemed happy with them, I’m just totally bemused.

hes just replied, to say he has it all planned, travel with us tomorrow morning as planned, open presents Saturday morning with the family, then he will whisk her away late Saturday morning for a lovely weekend in London, then see us at home sometime Monday when we come home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven’t told the family yet, DH is out until 3 so will tell him then. I just don’t know where to go from here .

sit in the corner and cry, shout and scream at him, just go with it. Whatever happens now, it’s ruined as far as I’m concerned. I know that sounds selfish, god knows what my DD will say, do I tell her what’s planned for the weekend or go along with his changes ?

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 28/03/2024 17:48

He's either a complete psychopath or an utter moron. Possibly both. Jesus Christ. I hope you all manage to have a lovely weekend, despite the fuckwit.

pegpuff · 28/03/2024 17:41

CobraChicken · 28/03/2024 17:38

That was the youngest daughter, I believe, not the one who's turning 30?

Show quote history

Don’t know..

MzHz · 28/03/2024 17:39

JimBeamCoke · 28/03/2024 17:28

Just read your other post about the DD and BF drinking your birthday wine. I remember reading this a few weeks ago. Based on that post I don’t think they are going to care what is planned with family and probably do what they want! 😟

@Grumpynan ive just read this too and it looks like he’s alienating her from you.

this guy IS bad news

hope you can speak to her today and help her see what is happening

RoseTintedFlute · 28/03/2024 17:39

Sounds like Tom from Emmerdale (who is a walking red flag btw). I'd tell him he will have to rearrange rather than upsetting your daughter.

CobraChicken · 28/03/2024 17:38

pegpuff · 28/03/2024 17:35

I just did too and I agree. Shows a total different side to your daughter. My guess is that she would rather go with him.

Show quote history

That was the youngest daughter, I believe, not the one who's turning 30?

PurBal · 28/03/2024 17:37

Your plans shouldn’t have been shat on. That’s just rude.

But I’m struggling to put myself in this position I’m 33, and I got married at 28. I was actually one of the last of my friendship group and my younger brothers were both married before me. I had my first child at 30. My SIL is expecting her 3rd baby and she’s 30 next month. As a result it would have been weird as hell for my parents to be in the driving seat over 30 birthday plans.

So, only thing I can say is people are in different life stages. Your daughter is clearly at a different life stage to the one I was in at the same age. Perhaps her BF is too? Perhaps he hasn’t had to be concerned about parents and extended families because he’s just enjoying the fun of dating as an adult. Living at home is unusual at that age (and I get why she would be, I do get it, because I had a traumatic break up in my
mid twenties and had to quit my job and leave my home). He’s 4 months in, I can’t believe they’ve done “meet the parents” let alone “let’s all go on holiday together”. I think I’m going to go with misunderstanding, rather than red flag.

Really feel for your daughter, she shouldn’t have to choose.

PerfectTravelTote · 28/03/2024 17:35

He is in the wrong (and possibly waving a red flag, with needing to one up you) but your mistake was making your trip a surprise. Surprises are not good. They are fraught with problems and are more fun for the person organising than the person caught on the hop at the receiving end.

pegpuff · 28/03/2024 17:35

JimBeamCoke · 28/03/2024 17:28

Just read your other post about the DD and BF drinking your birthday wine. I remember reading this a few weeks ago. Based on that post I don’t think they are going to care what is planned with family and probably do what they want! 😟

I just did too and I agree. Shows a total different side to your daughter. My guess is that she would rather go with him.

TeeBee · 28/03/2024 17:35

Hope your discussion with your daughter goes well OP. What an arse he is to put you all in this tricky situation.

buswankerz · 28/03/2024 17:34

What a controlling prick

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2024 17:34

Shock wonder what she'll choose

Bet it's the boyfriend Sad

jannier · 28/03/2024 17:31

Similar happened to my daughter on her 21st she wanted a meal in a club with friends so planned a late night boyfriend gave his surprise at dinner of a 7am flight so no late night everyone headed home from London after dinner.
He went on to be the biggest controlling arse ever she dumped him at the airport having spent the week being told what to wear and when to come to bed.

MiltonNorthern · 28/03/2024 17:31

This is so bad. It will destroy his reputation in the family. What a pillock. Tell him he needs to reschedule.

Libertysparkle · 28/03/2024 17:29

Awful.

It's my birthday Saturday too. Although not 30 (I wish!)

Londonrach1 · 28/03/2024 17:29

I hope your dd has a lovely birthday weekend...sounds amazing with her extended family and good friends.

JimBeamCoke · 28/03/2024 17:28

Just read your other post about the DD and BF drinking your birthday wine. I remember reading this a few weeks ago. Based on that post I don’t think they are going to care what is planned with family and probably do what they want! 😟

Deadringer · 28/03/2024 17:28

He is either thick or a total dickhead, neither bodes well for their relationship unfortunately.

pegpuff · 28/03/2024 17:27

Unless he told her about your surprise and she said ugh, get me out of it!

Or he is just a bit thick.

DuploTrain · 28/03/2024 17:26

I don’t understand why he would do that. If it was a power move / marking territory then why would he tell you.. surely he would want to spring it on everyone so you didn’t have a chance to react before DD knew.

Maybe he just is really thick and hasn’t quite grasped the concept that everyone will be there for her birthday.. expect her.

JimBeamCoke · 28/03/2024 17:24

I am confused how it could be left like this. He must be thick as mince or there is some misunderstanding.
OP why do you think this has happened? Does the BF not understand the extent of the plans? Does he think your DD would enjoy his present more? Had he already had it booked and thought they could do both? Has your DD and him made the plans together?
We need an update on how this progresses! I hope it all works out for your DD and she gets the birthday she would enjoy the most.

pinkyredrose · 28/03/2024 17:21

That's a lovely trip you've got planned. The Bf is well out of order , I'd see it as a red flag. He's marking his territory and pissing all over yours.

Cherrysoup · 28/03/2024 17:20

He’s being an arse. Why has he chosen to ruin her surprise? If she’s anything like me, she’ll tell him sorry, I’m staying with my family/friends. What an idiot.

cleanasawhistle · 28/03/2024 17:19

6pence · 28/03/2024 17:14

So instead of two lovely weekends away, he’s spoilt everything. She’s going to have FOMO, whichever option she chooses.

Yes your daughter could have been on a wonderful family trip away and still have another fab weekend to look forward too.

MzHz · 28/03/2024 17:18

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 28/03/2024 15:03

But you also have to tell her idiot BF that he needs to re-arrange. Give him as much notice as poss, like NOW so that he can re-sell ticket and give notice on the hotel booking, re-arrange and surprise her with the new arrangement.

Important that she doesn’t feel piggy in the middle. No one wants that for their b’day.

100% this

TELL the BF to rebook this now as he’s NOT entitled to trample over plans in the diary for longer than she’s even known his name.

tell him too that for him to have done this without any thought for her, her friends and family is a seriously dick move

NamingConundrum · 28/03/2024 17:17

I didn't say plead. Giving him benefit of the doubt he's just thick, ask him if he's considered that his plan will actually upset her. Phrase it from her POV rather than instantly calling him a controlling dickhead. He will be asking her to leave everyone if she wants to see them.