My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

You mentioned that she has done shows before. She's likely to do more.
She gets 1 shot at being involved in her grandmothers birthday, there will be precious photos, that can't ever be replicated a few years from now.
Family first, always

But this isn't just something the DD fancies doing. It isn't a random cinema trip with her friends or something. It's something she's practised for, already made a commitment to and if she doesn't do will be letting down her team mates.

A birthday meal, when she can be there just after and still be there overnight and for a nice breakfast the next morning so still participating in the birthday weekend doesn't take precedence over not letting down other people she's part of a team with.

'There is no way on earth anyone in our family would be missing my mums 70th, it’s likely your mum will only have one more significant birthday and she deserves to be made a fuss of. '

She isn't missing it. Just going later didn't you read the op?

It isnt entitled to attend an event that the dc is clearly committed to. No need for such angst over a meal when the dd will see everyone later on.

Some folk really put undue importance on birthday meals. It doesn't matter if you miss the chicken nugget part as long you hopefully get to see the vip birthday person at some point.

Your DH's solution is best. It's a birthday meal not the last supper. She'll be there after and that effort will be appreciated.

It's hardly bonkers to say that the DD has committed to a team, done lots of practice and should be supported in this.

The meal is the party? The most significant part and a family celebration. Family is important to many people, beyond the ones that just live in their house 🙄.

The replies on this thread are utterly bonkers, no wonder some people have poor relationships with their family and children turn into entitled brats who never have to inconvenience themselves in any minor way.

11 is the perfect age to understand that unfortunately sometimes we can’t do things we want to and that family is important. There is no way on earth anyone in our family would be missing my mums 70th, it’s likely your mum will only have one more significant birthday and she deserves to be made a fuss of. There will be plenty of other gymnastics shows.

This is the perfect time to model resilience and putting others first when it’s important. Can’t you just say “oh no DD, it seems your show falls on the weekend we’re going to see granny for her big birthday, what a shame you won’t be able to attend this time, but don’t worry there will be plenty of other shows and perhaps granny can come and watch next time/you can perform on the Sunday for the family so your hard work doesn’t go to waste. I know it’s upsetting but it’s really important and special to granny to celebrate with all her family”.

I think it’s really sad these days people seem to confuse “not being a people pleaser” with being a totally selfish fuck who only does exactly what they want. It’s perfectly fine to teach kids sometimes we need to put others first, if you are parenting well it won’t just turn them into pushovers.

I'd go with DH plan.
It all comes down to whether you'd rather your DM or your DD to be 'gutted' and I'd side with my DC every time.

DD should prioritise her grandparents and understand why it matters to do so.

Why does it matter more to prioritise grandparents than the team mates and the teachers who have given up their time to make the show happen? Where's the respect for then?

Ask yourself what would you expect an adult to do?
If an adult is competing competitively or getting paid to perform I'd expect them to know when competitions and shows are and plan other events round them. Even if it's an amature dramatics show they'd know when it's meant to be.

This isn't as simple as skipping a training session. It's letting others down as well as the daughter.

'This is clearly a completely different scenario to a casual gymnastics show vs a grandmas significant birthday weekend '

She will still see granny just miss the meal, what on earth is wrong with that compromise? She's practised for the gymnastics event. It clearly is a big deal for her.

I think your mum's 70th has priority over the show. It was was arranged first and your mum would love the grandchildren to be a part of it. Everyone will be dressed up and lots of photos taken. You dont know how long she has, and how many more opportunities you have to do this. If you do take her to the show you're actually teaching her a lesson. To always choose what she wants to do e.g. cancel plans with family/friends, If something better comes up.

This is clearly a completely different scenario to a casual gymnastics show vs a grandmas significant birthday weekend 🤯

When dd was 12 she was doing her Dof E camping weekend.
One of the mums wouldn’t allow her dd to do it because it clashed with a family birthday tea.
That weekend the other 5 dc really bonded and unfortunately for the dc she missed out on all the Dof E events subsequently as the other girls went on to do silver and gold and finally attended St James Palace.

Years later the dm involved admitted she had been wrong. It really affected her dd’s social life as a teen.

If it were not your daughter's final gym display and if she were not a member of a group, I would have her attend the party.

However, in your case I would have your husband very organised to leave the gymnastics ASAP and drive to the party afterwards.
Could a family photo with the cake happen at 9:00 pm?

Or could the 70th weekend stay the same, except the dinner become a Sunday luncheon?

This. It isn't as if she just wants to see her friends, this is something she has practised for.

Dh's plan is absolutely fine. She still sees granny, just later on.

This nails it straight away.

If they can't give you decent notice, they should be prepared that people will have plans.

I would try with the brother to move the birthday meal weekend; even if a deposit is paid it can usually be moved, just not cancelled. If that didn't work, then no show; DD should prioritise her grandparents and understand why it matters to do so. Especially as you have such a tiny family with only 9 of you visiting for the birthday, losing 2 is significant. There will always be more gymnastic shows if she's serious about it, and it isn't trials for the Olympics! Ask yourself what would you expect an adult to do? And how will you feel when your DD prioritises all her hobbies over you in future, because that's what you've taught her matters?

Missing these kind of big events can be really significant for children. She will definitely remember for many years to come if you show she isn’t a priority and her grandma is. It’s not about one gymnastics show, it’s about showing her you value her wishes and her commitments.

Go with your husband suggestion
You can all have breakfast together next day when they up if a meal together is important.
Can't imagine a 11 year old who is missing a fun event with friends would add anything to a meal with adults.

My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards.

I’m team DH. If you’re a tiny close knit family just move the main birthday meal to Sunday lunch.

if I was your mother I would not want my granddaughter to miss out on something like this - especially if its a show she would have been practicing a role and the rest of the team would be losing a member.

Let her do the show and come up after with a lovely present for your mum and plan something nice on the Sunday as well!

Daughter does the show. It’s not even a debate for me.

the meal isn’t that important. The kid has been training for this, and surely they didn’t just spring it on you that there was a competition?

I’d push the meal to another weekend/next day/ lunch/breakfast anything.

When I was 11 I was in the school choir. I had rehearsed for months for a show we had coming up, and had the part of a narrator and everything. The week before the show my mum decided to take us on a 2-week holiday, so I never got to do the show, and it was the last 2 weeks of year 6 so I never found out if they put it on or not and I was gutted. Your mum has had 70 birthdays. I get she’s important but your daughter's show is probably important to her too. If someone’s willing to take her and take her after, let her. Your mum/family may even want to go to the show to watch it!

Sounds to me like you’ve already made your decision so I can’t see the point of the post. For what it’s worth I disagree with you and agree with your DH.