My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

Exactly its not like they can mingle and talk to each other. Maybe DD could take grandma out for afternoon tea by herself at some point and talk to her

i think the birthday should be prioritised

I'd go with your husbands idea, your daughter will be happy and so will your Mum as she's seeing all her family on her birthday. Buy your Mum some lovely flowers from your daughter and she can bring them in with her when she arrives. Have a lovely time celebrating 🙂

It's good to celebrate birthdays, especially significant ones but I'm surprised so many people are of the opinion you can only celebrate on the day itself. We travelled on holiday on DDs birthday once, it wasn't ideal but we didn't say well that's it you've missed any chance of a meal out or a party! You'll have to wait til next year

Whilst not ideal that the 2 things clash it's not as if they are not going at all. Or like a pp said could you arrange an afternoon tea as a late celebration?

Even though they've paid a deposit I would imagine most restaurants would allow some flex if they had availability the next day (I'm not saying they should move the meal - just that it's a possibility!)

Not too sure why the OP posted on AIBU when she was always clearly going to prioritise a meal. I feel sorry for the daughter here.

Hi, OP -

I haven’t RTFT. You say you mum hasn’t been well and I am sorry. Even so, the role of adults is to help children grow up. So unless there is reason to believe this is your DM’s last birthday, in which case DD must attend the main meal, I like the plan suggested by your DH.

we can lose someone at anytime. i lost my dad at 72 too. however we can't stop our kids achieving massive goals because of a birthday. we can spend time together anytime. quality time should be important all year around.

The vast majority are on the compromise that she does the show and turns up with Dad about 9pm, in time for cake.
Win-win!

Op always knew there was a risk of dates clashing before the Daughter started training for the show.
She should have said no to the Saturday night if it was that big a deal to get everyone together we can do Friday night or Sunday lunch or hold off until we have the show date.

your daughter is a priority over your brother and mother

70 is not a big birthday. let her do it, it's not going to effect your mums enjoyment.

It is a big deal. The dd is going later, not missing it.

We all need to be a bit flexible in life.

If I were a grandmother I'd be horrified if a dgc was missing something they'd invested so much time amd effort in when coming later would be absolutely fine.

But she wouldn't miss the whole celebration, if I was granny I would say to have a chilled say night and do the big meal for Sunday lunch as they will be away for the whole weekend

I totally thought this was going to be about your dd wanting to perform at your mum’s birthday party 😂

@TruJay I thought the same - that the OP would be asking about her daughter doing some cartwheels and a forward roll to entertain the guests.

OP, I would let your daughter do the show. She will be seeing your mum on the day, just not the meal bit. Hopefully your mum will see that it is important to your daughter to be at the performance.

I can’t believe either that people are saying 70th isn’t a big deal. I lost my mum at 72 and think all birthdays are important but especially later ones. It’s a shame your daughter will miss out but it’s been in the diary for a long time and should take priority.

I get what that poster is saying. And it's nothing to do with how much Grandchildren are adored just everything to do with the dynamics of a big group in a restaurant.

You get 10 people at a table there are normally 2 or 3 different conversations going on.
Partly because it's impossible to hear the people at the other end of the table and it's rude to shout so big groups end up with multiple conversations.

No, I definitely don't subscribe to that. Commitments to things where your actual participation means missing it changes a whole performance for a lot of people would take precedence over a birthday meal, whoever that meal is for.

The commitment to the show is to more people than just granny.

I'd let her do her show. Children aren't interested in meals out or birthdays. She has been practising for weeks and it is important to her and her team. She can still join in the birthday celebrations which are lasting a whole weekend!

I would send her off with your DH assuming that's what she wants to do.
Arrange an afternoon tea for her with just her gran. Either out or bring one to her grans and leave them to it. They will have more quality time one on one than at a family dinner.

If she is sniffy about this I would explain to your daughter that this is a compromise and it's worth bearing in mind that her grandparents won't be around forever.

But they weren't. DD made a commitment to a show that would happen soon. And then her family made another commitment. Then the show date was announced. It's not at all clear-cut. There was a commitment made to an even without a date which they took a punt on not clashing. But it did.

Yes obviously I would if it was my party. I still think the DD should be there for the main event I.e. the meal but I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that.

I suspect Ops not coming back because she expected Granny's dinner should come first.
But the DH has offered up a decent compromise. And this is something that needs a bit of compromise.

Why is the brother so bewildered? Is your family not used to people not placing them first all the time?

or if know in advance explain to granny that DD has been practising for weeks for a show and is part of a team, so there's a possibility it would be on her birthday.

Then Granny can decide if it's imperative that all family are there for the entire meal whether to eg wait and book something that doesn't clash...or accept that there might be a compromise on who attends at what time

Has the meal been booked before DD even started rehearsals?

If you expect an evening event to be over by 9pm, so you can get your beauty sleep. Why not compromise and put it back to a chilled out Sunday lunch?

I'd expect most evening events to be on until 11 if its a meal out and a couple of drinks, public transport home. 12 or later if its a partying on at home.

Not read every reply but .. the OP says that her husband and mother are not best friends. We don't know if that feeling is mutual.

I personally think the option of DH and DD going later possibly suits 3 people - the OPs Dm may be pleased that her SIL is a sent from the meal, DH certainly will be and DD gets to do her gymnastics ...