My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

@Concannon88

The DD doesn't 'lose' - she gets to celebrate her GM 70th birthday with her family who rarely get together as they live far apart.

She gets to understand that certain events are more important than others.

She will have a great memory with her GM, who will, sorry to be harsh, statistically be likely to die in the next 11 years.

Genuinely can't understand why a shit local gymnastics event would be more important than that

@MissScarletInTheBallroom probably because the birthday could be rearranged and the gymnastics couldn't. Arent parents and grandparents meant to be selfless? Its a shame the 2 events clash and the gymnastics has been poorly organized, however thats not the child's fault.

How is it selfish? It wouldn't be them doing the gymnastics, it would be the child. She loses either way

It's not about compromising.

The two events clash, therefore one must take priority.

I'm surprised how many people think a gymnastics show which is in no way a one off and was planned two weeks in advance should take priority over a grandmother's 70th birthday which is a longstanding arrangement.

I know quite a few people in their 70s still working past 9pm some evenings.

To suggest 70yos are elderly and need an early bedtime is quite insulting really.

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.
How's it a 'compromise' to totally miss the performance?

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.
And being there overnight and for the rest of the weekend. Its a perfectly reasonable compromise. My parents in their 70s don't go to bed till about midnight. 9 would be about halfway through main course for them for a special dinner.

All the people talking about compromise seem to have missed that the "compromise" is the daughter and dad turning up at 9pm! That's pretty much bedtime for older people (and lots of people on here) and therefore isn't a compromise.

I missed whether the meal is lunch or dinner, but if lunch then that would mean they missed everything so it's not in any way a compromise.

If it's dinner then that might work as long as it's a late dinner but they still won't be turning up till dessert at the earliest.

It's basically really rude. The celebration was booked first. I can't get over how selfish so many posters on this thread are.

I am genuinely staggered about the amount of people who are saying 'prioritise your DD'

A milestone birthday, which has been in the diary for months and has a chunky deposit paid for by a family who rarely gets together due to living far apart DOES usurp a poorly organised, casual gymnastics event.

The only thing OP could have done is be clear from when the 70th was booked that this event is prioritised over other clashes.

I remember both my Grans' 70ths - they were great parties. They also had 80ths, however, both of them were frailer and they were more 'pop round the house for a cup of tea and a piece of cake' affairs.

Just to think about your DD - Y6 there are loads of 'lasts,' some count more than others e.g. PGL, leavers disco / party, yearbook. Once they've done SATs in May, it's more or less a doss.

Her mum can’t get her 70th birthday back either.

@Cofffffeeeplease your mums birthday can be floated, even if it means 2 separate celebration (one for you and your family and one for your brothers) your daughter can't get this experience back.

Agreed. You can witness the negative effects of this attitude in every classroom in every school.

Spoiled, entitled brats who think the fucking world revolves around them.

That's not the point being made at all.

The grandmother's birthday doesn't have to be celebrated in a particular very narrow time window. It's just that that is when it is being celebrated. A plan has been made, involving ten people, and a deposit has been paid. So either ten people have to be inconvenienced and potentially money lost in order for the OP's DD to be able to do her gymnastics show and attend her grandmother's birthday, or the grandmother doesn't get to have her granddaughter present for her 70th birthday celebration.

All of this could have been avoided if the people organising the gymnastics show had given adequate notice.

If more parents said, "Sorry, can't do that date, we have a prior commitment", they might have to start being more reasonable.

I think you need to prioritize your daughter, who has put work and training into something. Not doing that as a parent sends a terrible message as she's about to start the stage of life where education and results really matter.

She'll still see granny on her her birthday with your husband's plan, and any grandparent worth their salt would want their grandchild to do the show.

Edit: spelling

I have zero doubts that my own mother, who is now 80, would have insisted her granddaughter perform in her show, especially after all her hard work and practice. She'd probably also insist on moving the meal and coming to see the show if that was an option. If not, she'd happily sit down and watch the video of her performance with her when she arrived later in the evening.

Let your daughter perform. Your mother knows she is loved. Have your DH film it. She can sit with her granddaughter later that evening and watch her performance together.

'Kids come first. Always.'

Fucking hell.

What a load of crap.

Raising spoilt little pricks (not talking about OP's situation) is not actually doing the right thing by your children.

Totally agree but you've got me thinking which birthdays / who's birthdays do I really remember?

My 21 & 40 - no memories of my 30
My brother 40th
My mum's 50th 65th and 70th. No clue about her 60th.
My dad's 65th, no memories of his 70th.
My parents 50th anniversary.

I don't remember any Grandparents big birthdays other than a 90th. But I do remember their big wedding anniversaries, 40th, 50th and 60th.

I agree with your DH your DD has to be priority I have had to leave early or miss family events including a funeral as my DS have had things they needed to attend it means a lot to them.

no kids do not always come first
this is the problem with society

Kids come first. Always.
adult birthdays are a nonsense but especially so if they are used to triangulate or to negatively impact kids.

the compromise proposed is entirely reasonable. The OP places her brother and mother above her children.

OP, you are right, family come first.
So prioritise your own little family.
Your dd is right to want to take part in this event she has been practising for with her team mates. Your DH is right in wanting to prevent her being upset by this especially when it’s evident she can still join the party at 9pm.
Your DM will surely support her GD in this decision.

It can still be special for your mum. She will be so proud of her GD rushing in to give her a birthday hug at 9pm and telling her all about the show.

These complications happen in real life ( as opposed to the sentimental perfect version you wish the party to be for her)
Don’t prevent your mum the opportunity to use that stoicism for a few hours.

And I agree with @Ohnodontwantthiscrush that your daughter should be part of the discussion - she might understand that only one of these events is a one-time-only deal.

Hmm, really difficult. In general I think that kids need to understand that when you've committed to something you stick to it and you don't let others down, even if something better comes up. That seems to be a value that is increasingly rare and I think our world is the worse for it.

That said, if she's been practicing for months without being told when the performance will be, perhaps you could say that she committed to the performance before your mum's b-day was arranged and that should take priority. It's not her fault that the organisation of the performance is so flakey.

Do you know if that was the case?

Ideally you'd have said at the begining, 'remember that we've committed to x so unfortunately if it lands on that day, as frustrating as that will be, you wouldn't be able to perform.' But hindsight is 20/20 etc.

I'm so surprised by these replies.

We had a hotel gathering for my mum's 80th and 70th. It's hard to get a venue and date sorted that suits everybody. These are precious memories and with each milestone birthday for that generation the probability of celebrating another decreases significantly.

I would have been upset with my siblings if they prioritised something like this and I wouldn't do it with my own child. It's one of many gymnastics shows, not her getting through to the final. I also don't think it's too soon for them to learn about compromise and sacrifice for loved ones.

What I would recommend however is involving your daughter in the decision. It sounds so far as if all discussion has been between you and DH. Could you sit down and talk to her about it, make sure she knows how proud you are of her etc.

So the usual argument of 'it's not the winning its taking part' is well out of the window?
"Well dd you're not going to win a shiny medal/trophy so no point in this one!"