My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

Surprised how many are saying DD should do the show.
It makes no sense they've given you such late notice of the date and I'd definitely be complaining to the club about that. But I'd phrase it as just that to DD. However I would also have been setting her up for this possibility for awhile. 'Hopefully it's not the same weekend as grandma's birthday'

I did a lot of shows when I was younger, at the time they feel like everything but they really aren't. Family comes first especially as it's a 70th and your mum hasn't been well.

This is the clubs fault not yours. Sorry DD, I don't feel missing the birthday celebration is acceptable and coking up at 9pm is a shoddy compromise

And that is why we have so many feral, awful kids and selfish, entitled parents.

I've seen too many people of all ages die in my career. Getting older is a privilege and having people in your life who are,older is also a privilege. We should celebrate all birthdays whether the big ones or not. Not because it could be the last one someone has, but as a celebration of their life and connection to us and what they bring to the world.

That shouldn't stop when adulthood is reached, in fact is becomes more important the older someone gets to spend time. With that person.

OP is right. Her mother takes priority.

Absolutely.

The only time I've missed a celebration meal like this for a grandparent was when I was giving birth!

@Pipsquiggle thats speculation, there's no way of knowing how many children will be able to do it or not

We are just going to have to disagree.

I really don't understand this mentality though. The gymnastics shows are regular and casual. The grandmother's birthday is not.

This wouldn't even be a dilemma in my family.

Well those are the options available to her-miss the gymnastics and attend the meal, attend the gymnastics and rearrange the meal, or the dad takes the little girl and attends the meal later on.

I also remember my grans 70th meal we organized in a Chinese restaurant. It was lovely, however I wouldn't feel too bad if she held it against us for rearranging so my daughter didn't miss out on something. Shes a very gracious lady and wouldn't have hesitated in putting my daughter first.

Not sure how much of a celebration its going to be if its all going to be over by 9pm.

If the husband and the mother do not get along he'll just be there for appearance sake, so the only one she'll be missing out on is the granddaughter and the granddaughter would rather be at the gymnastics I presume, so what is the point in that?

It is interesting how opinions differ on this.

My dd would be told that her grandmothers birthday comes first. I would hope she understood that by herself too.

It is a school gymnastics group not the Olympic team, and whilst I would appreciate my dd's disappointment her grandmother would be prioritised.

I wonder if your DH would be the same if it was his mother's long planned 70th birthday celebrations.

@Janiie

Great she has practiced, her skills will be used in the next gymnastics event.

You do realise that due to the lack of notice of the gymnastics events there will be quite a lot of DC that won't be able to make it for far flakier things than a family 70th birthday party?

FFS this is a milestone birthday meal, which has been in the diaries for a long time. A deposit has been paid. Family members are attending far and wide to attend which doesn't happen often.

Maybe I can empathise more as my family are geographically hundreds of miles apart so a get together does take loads of planning and once a date is agreed, it is locked in - virtually nothing changes it. Certainly not a shitely organised, casual gymnastics event

The OP says that it's a big deal to have all the family together because they live far away from each other and don't manage to get together often. Having separate meals would defeat the point of that.

An 11 year old is old enough to understand that sometimes when the date of something is announced you can't make it because you've already committed to something else.

As someone whose grandparents have all passed away and will never have everyone in the same place ever again, I think these family events are important.

My own grandmother's 70th birthday was the last big one she had before she started to suffer from dementia. I'm glad I didn't miss it for a casual school event.

@Godesstobe ditto your thoughts. My grandmother of 84 stays up past midnight. 10pm is the best time to catch her for a chat! My other grandparents stayed up past 2am as they had trouble sleeping, I think a lot do.

Yes as I said in my previous comment, they could rearrange for separate meals so the brother isn't inconvenienced, I've never had trouble rearranging a meal with a deposit with a few weeks notice.

I dont think the world is revolving around the gymnastics, if it was she wouldn't be posting, it would already be decided. However the little girl is excited and has been practicing and its an enjoyed hobby and the last of its kind for her year group. I'm sure the mother is more capable of managing her expectations and disappointment than a primary school child.

I think you are using the dads dislike of the mother as an excuse, he can be bothered about the gymnastics in its own right. Its also acceptable for him to want to put his daughter first, above his mother in law.

If I ever have grandchildren id be heartbroken to think my granddaughter was missing out because of a bloody meal.

Totally agree the DD does her show, and she and her dad come to the party after, so no one is missing out as far as I can see. The DH doesn’t get on get with op’s mum anyway, so is happy to miss the meal. Wins all round.

As someone who will turn 70 this summer I am fascinated by the idea that the OP's mother is in her dotage and will need to go to bed at 9pm! 70 really isn't that old these days. I live a very full and active life and I have always been a night owl and very seldom go to bed before midnight.

And FWIW my mother who will be 95 this year is just the same. I have no doubt she will be celebrating into the early hours at her birthday party in a few months.

All her children and grandchildren will be there, not because there is a 3 line whip but because we all love her to bits and appreciate everything she has done for us over the years. But if someone couldn't be there, mum would completely understand and not make them feel bad. In this case OP's daughter is not going to miss the birthday weekend. There is a perfectly decent compromise available here. Just go for it and make lovely memories together.

Because there are ten people and a hefty deposit involved.

If you want the world to revolve around a kids' gymnastics show then you need to put it in the diary more than two weeks ahead of time. It sounds like a pretty casual thing that the OP's husband is pretending is super important because he'd like to get out of the dinner.

Other than her mother being on her death bed, I really can't see how its too late to rearrange it. I think she already knows what the she wants to do and doesn't really want advice, just wants backing up.

I reckon the OP's husband just wants a "get out of dinner with the in laws free" card.

The OP is very clear about the fact that it's too late to rearrange the birthday.

Surely your mum would understand? I’d prioritise her event over a birthday meal.

That wasn't mentioned in the original post, and having a meal booked doesn't mean it can't be rearranged, or go with what the dad has suggested.

It won't be the end of the world if the gran floats her birthday or has 2 members missing.

I agree regarding the club, however that won't help them currently.

This

It would be really unusual for a grandparent to put themselves before something the child has practising for. Are you sure your mum would want your daughter to lose out on something like this that she's worked hard for?

I think if you insist she goes she's learning that her hard work has no value and things can just be taken from her

Regardless of who was responsible for scheduling events, your DD's reality is that she has been practising for this show for ages and in doing so she has demonstrated HER commitment to it, whenever it ultimately took place.

How often do we see kids being criticised for not showing any commitment to a sport/activity - particularly where there are other team mates involved - yet when there is a child who IS committed, the second it is not convenient for the adults, the activity is suddenly trivialised and unimportant, with the bold assumption the child will give it up anyway.

No wonder kids drop out of things when they practice for ages for something only to be pulled from the very thing they have been practising for. It may just be a trivial primary school show to you but to her - it is almost certainly much more. She may well have been practising/mastering a new skill specially for this show. Even if she hasn't - she has still been working hard and practising diligently. Be careful not to send the message that there is no point in working hard for something because in the end, it gets trivialised and it never happens.

Your DH's solution is the way to go. Personally if I were the GM I'd be wanting to relocate my celebration to go cheer on my GD at her show, but in this scenario, I'd be fine with her attending her gymnastics event and coming later. If anything I'd be praising her commitment to her sport and her team. I don't care whether it's a primary school show or the Olympics - it's a bloody hard sport that takes a LOT of work and practice, not to mention guts (and I don't care if her current skill level amounts to walking along a beam and jumping off the end of it!). Don't dismiss it/trivialise it. Let her do her show then have her DH bring her to join the party.

'Genuinely can't understand why a shit local gymnastics event would be more important than that'

Because the dc has put a lot of effort into preparing and she will still see grandma just a bit later on. That's if grandma doesn't go to bed at 8pm or dies as she is 70 and ancient, 2 things that could well happen apparently.

Agree, young people having a voice, passions and agency is the reason this country is going to the dogs.

Children should be seen and not heard and forced to adhere to the schedule of a pensioner who is getting precious about a birthday after already having had 69 of them.

Such outdated nonsense, it isn't the post war 1950s - thankfully as shown on this thread the majority of people have updated their worldview in line with the times, hence why the world is a much better place than it was a generation ago - rose tinted spectacles on this thread aside

The discussion is valueless anyway as undoubtedly the grandmother would want the child to do the show - which one can be pretty certain means more to them than a sit down meal for a 70 year old where they probably wouldn't even talk to each other

Life is about experiences, not about invented milestone birthdays where the number of people sat at a table at one particular hour suddenly is more important than your own children

I’d totally say a family birthday get together trumps a show but don’t get the short notice if the show date

I have never, in my 66 years, met anyone over the age of seven who would go to bed at 9pm 😆😆😆. I don't know anyone who goes to bed before midnight, and from the people I know, the older you get, the later you go to bed because you don't have to get up very early every morning.

I think the daughter coming later with her dad is a real able compromise, but don't see why the daughter can't go to her event with a friend and stay with them for the night so thst the OP's husband can go to the meal. But if they get to the restaurant by 9, there's no reason to assume that they would have missed the starter and main course - when I go out for a meal with my husband or friends, we would never book for earlier than 8.30 and usually 9.

The OP has said the birthday can't be rearranged because they've got a meal for 10 people booked and they've paid a substantial deposit.

Honestly, it will not be the end of the world if the child misses one gymnastics show. There will be others.

Perhaps the OP and her husband could find a better organised club for their daughter to join next year if this is going to keep happening.