Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

459 replies

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

OP posts:
Needanewname42 · 01/04/2024 08:21

GRex · 01/04/2024 05:36

Oh get a grip. It's a primary school show organised on 2 weeks notice! It's actually disgusting to compare being asked to go to Gran's pre-booked birthday with those who have had years of abuse from family members.

Show quote history

The date was confirmed 2 weeks in advance but the school, kids and Op knew it was coming up. And have been training for it for months.

Pipsquiggle · 01/04/2024 08:20

Fizbosshoes · 01/04/2024 07:38

I'm surprised how belittling people are of the gymnastics show "a shitty local gym display, a nothing gym show, its not the Olympics etc"
Also it may well be the last time she has the opportunity- ime secondary school doesn't generally offer inclusive events were anyone can join in and invite parents. You either make the team or you don't and limited opportunities for parents to watch.

My DD (17) has just done a dance show with her dance school. The kids have been practising since November with twice weekly rehearsals since Christmas. Admittedly they gave the date with several months notice but there has been a lot of emphasis on commitment and the 2 dances DD was in were choreographed for x people. Should I have poo-pooed her and shrugged "meh, it's not the West End, it's only a shitty local dance show"

None of this takes away from the fact that obvious grandma only has one day for her 70th birthday but they are planning to be there albeit late and could potentially arrange an additional celebration

Edited

Really great that your DC got to perform and show her hard.work - twice a week, sounds like a full on dance school.

Fantastic that there was clear communication as to when the show was, months in advance, so you could plan your diaries.

The above didn't happen for OP. I am really surprised that people aren't pointing out that the gymnastics event people are entirely at fault for giving just 2 weeks notice - that's absolute incompetence! They obviously don't care about the DC. I say it's a 'shit, local gymnastics event' as that is how it has been managed.

Why should people cancel or change long-standing, paid -for plans when the gymnastics organisers show such little regard for the participants and their families?

rookiemere · 01/04/2024 07:58

3tumsnot1 · 01/04/2024 03:30

I don’t see why you cannot do both? Starters at 8:30pm - something like soup should do it. Mains at 9pm. Just tell DH to grab and run at the end and don’t hang around getting changed etc. Tell gymnastics people you might have to leave 5mins early. Just get her to sit with you at the end rather than her friends - so you can slip
out a few mins early. Then you can have mains as soon as everyone’s back.

I absolutely think DD should do the gymnastics show and arrive later with her DF, but if someone tried to change a prearranged booking so I was eating my main course at 9pm, I'd stab their eye out with my fork ( possibly eat it to depending on how ravenous I was).

BIossomtoes · 01/04/2024 07:52

30yearoldvirgin · 01/04/2024 06:29

Obviously prioritise your child.

Why? She’s got her entire life to be “prioritised”. No wonder society is so selfish when it’s ingrained from birth.

Fizbosshoes · 01/04/2024 07:38

I'm surprised how belittling people are of the gymnastics show "a shitty local gym display, a nothing gym show, its not the Olympics etc"
Also it may well be the last time she has the opportunity- ime secondary school doesn't generally offer inclusive events were anyone can join in and invite parents. You either make the team or you don't and limited opportunities for parents to watch.

My DD (17) has just done a dance show with her dance school. The kids have been practising since November with twice weekly rehearsals since Christmas. Admittedly they gave the date with several months notice but there has been a lot of emphasis on commitment and the 2 dances DD was in were choreographed for x people. Should I have poo-pooed her and shrugged "meh, it's not the West End, it's only a shitty local dance show"

None of this takes away from the fact that obvious grandma only has one day for her 70th birthday but they are planning to be there albeit late and could potentially arrange an additional celebration

30yearoldvirgin · 01/04/2024 06:29

Obviously prioritise your child.

NoThanksymm · 01/04/2024 06:05

I think the birthday is the bigger deal. Important for kiddo to learn family comes first. And also you were committed to the birthday, gymnastics shouldn’t just be springing days on you. Usually you know the whole year in advance.

if this isn’t ‘she’s making the Olympics’ or not, then it’s just a meet. She’s 11. Shouldn’t h as be even been a conversation. Oh that’s the date, we’re busy, will miss one.

GRex · 01/04/2024 05:36

VivaDixie · 31/03/2024 23:23

All of these saying 'family first always '. Maybe wander over to the stately homes thread to see how well that ethos ends.

'Always' at what cost?

Oh get a grip. It's a primary school show organised on 2 weeks notice! It's actually disgusting to compare being asked to go to Gran's pre-booked birthday with those who have had years of abuse from family members.

3tumsnot1 · 01/04/2024 03:30

I don’t see why you cannot do both? Starters at 8:30pm - something like soup should do it. Mains at 9pm. Just tell DH to grab and run at the end and don’t hang around getting changed etc. Tell gymnastics people you might have to leave 5mins early. Just get her to sit with you at the end rather than her friends - so you can slip
out a few mins early. Then you can have mains as soon as everyone’s back.

VivaDixie · 31/03/2024 23:23

All of these saying 'family first always '. Maybe wander over to the stately homes thread to see how well that ethos ends.

'Always' at what cost?

Nannajean · 31/03/2024 22:32

As an 80 yr old grandmother I would rather my granddaughter did her show...and I would have my birthday dinner the following weekend or the one before

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 31/03/2024 22:31

@Cofffffeeeplease just thinking.. what did the family do for dds BIG birthday last year at 10? Am assuming all the family dropped everything to attend the gathering?

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 22:07

@Cofffffeeeplease what did you eventually decide?

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/03/2024 21:40

My kid would be at the birthday.

Doone22 · 31/03/2024 21:34

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

You have prior commitments and you need to teach your daughter that this takes precedence (a) because its prior and (b) because its an important family occasion

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2024 21:21

hangingonfordearlife1 · 31/03/2024 10:05

we can lose someone at anytime. i lost my dad at 72 too. however we can't stop our kids achieving massive goals because of a birthday. we can spend time together anytime. quality time should be important all year around.

Show quote history

It’s hardly a ‘massive goal’ she’s not training for the Olympic, it’s a primary school show! 😂

Doggosandflowers · 31/03/2024 18:20

I think you’re worrying too much. If your mother is anything like mine she’d be upset at the thought of your daughter missing something she’s practiced so hard for.

I suspect she won’t be ‘gutted’ and will just be happy to see her afterwards

Cascais · 31/03/2024 18:04

Let her do the show

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/03/2024 17:53

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 15:49

Its a school group, and a show with other schools.

Why the late is so last minute is anyone's guess but its still something that has been prepared for.

I bet if Op had been paying £5 at time for lessons she wouldn't be so keen for her DD to throw the opportunity away.

Show quote history

If it involves multiple schools then the date will have been decided well in advance.

And no, I wouldn't be worrying about £5 gymnastics lessons in the context of a big birthday for a grandmother where a deposit for 10 people to eat at a nice restaurant has been paid.

MouseMama · 31/03/2024 17:53

I think you should let your daughter do the show and suggest that your daughter (with your/your husband’s) help prepares a special breakfast for grandmother the next morning. That extends the celebration and is a nice treat from granddaughter

Needanewname42 · 31/03/2024 15:49

PopandFizz · 31/03/2024 15:29

Surprised how many are saying DD should do the show.
It makes no sense they've given you such late notice of the date and I'd definitely be complaining to the club about that. But I'd phrase it as just that to DD. However I would also have been setting her up for this possibility for awhile. 'Hopefully it's not the same weekend as grandma's birthday'

I did a lot of shows when I was younger, at the time they feel like everything but they really aren't. Family comes first especially as it's a 70th and your mum hasn't been well.

This is the clubs fault not yours. Sorry DD, I don't feel missing the birthday celebration is acceptable and coking up at 9pm is a shoddy compromise

Its a school group, and a show with other schools.

Why the late is so last minute is anyone's guess but its still something that has been prepared for.

I bet if Op had been paying £5 at time for lessons she wouldn't be so keen for her DD to throw the opportunity away.

Pipsquiggle · 31/03/2024 15:46

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 31/03/2024 15:41

Could they come to you instead? Then you could all go watch DD’s show then go out for a meal afterwards?

FFS. A meal has been booked. A deposit paid which is non-refundable.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 31/03/2024 15:41

Could they come to you instead? Then you could all go watch DD’s show then go out for a meal afterwards?

InfiniteGoodVibes · 31/03/2024 15:41

Kids come first. Always.

No. Sometimes they just bloody don't.

Pipsquiggle · 31/03/2024 15:29

Concannon88 · 31/03/2024 15:07

@Pipsquiggle thats speculation, there's no way of knowing how many children will be able to do it or not

@Concannon88

You are absolutely right, it is speculation, however, I would bet my pension that if the gymnastics event had given 3 or 4 months notice, attendance would be higher.

My DC play rugby, I know at least 3 months in advance of when festivals are.

The gymnastics event sounds like a 3rd tier shite event if it only gives 2 weeks notice. It's not important to the people who organise it, because if it did, they would give all the teams more advance notice to make sure it is blocked out in people's diaries. They don't care about the DC participants. Sounds like one of those events that as a parent you are clock watching and thinking that's 2 hours of my life I will never get back (admit it, we've all been there).