My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

Let DD do the show and go up later - she’s still going to celebrate the birthday (I really don’t get ‘big’ birthdays past 18 tbh - nothing changes between being 69 and 70).

I don't really understand the concept of birthdays with a zero at the end of them being more important than others, and 70 isn't exactly old nowadays. Could you not speak to the parent of one of your daughter's friends who is also taking part in the show and ask if your she could go with them and stay overnight?

I think your DD should miss the show on this occasion. Others will also have plans. What is you were on holiday? Would you miss that?

Also ask your DH if it was his parents big birthday instead, what would he have done then?

My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards.

I think that's fine. By 70, she should be able to cope celebrating across the whole weekend not just that specific night.

we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set.

This would be the most annoying thing. For something that is so important for your DD (and I presume the school if she is part of a group), I would want more than a couple of weeks notice. Are they expecting all the families to keep all the weekends free? I would not have signed my child up to something with such a vague show date.

Yes but commitment and responsibility works both ways in that the "team" needs to organise things in advance and not expect children to be constantly available for a non-important event with limited advance notice.

If work said to an employee at hiring "normal work is monday to friday but everyone needs to work overtime on Saturday 12 June when we have our annual open day (or whatever)" most people would be fine with it and agree that dropping out would be "letting the team down"

If work said "you will need to work overtime one weekend this year but we won't tell you when until last minute and you HAVE to attend regardless of anything else you might have booked, lack of childcare etc." Then most people would think that's unfair and struggle to do it!

If the event had been arranged beforehand then DD dropping out would be letting the team down but that wasn't the case. Like others have said I can't believe that all the other kids on the gymnastic team don't have other commitments (music exam, weekend away, wedding, friends birthday parties, sports matches, hospital appointments, whatever!) that weekend they can drop everything for last minute.

I have grandchildren and would would want my grand daughter to go to her gymnastics display that she has been working towards rather than come to my birthday meal. She will still be able to see her later that weekend
Are you sure that your mother would prefer for her to miss the display.?

I'd do the birthday party. The show can't be that important if it only takes two week's notice.

I have just been through a very similar dilemma with 13yo DD and my Dad's 80th. I mulled it over for a bit and went with asking Mum & Dad if there was a reason it had to be at that time on that day, because it clashes with one of DD's competitions, and although on its own it isn't a big competition, she would collect points that qualify her for other competitions including our big national championship in the summer (a 5 day away thing that my parents come and spectate at because it's fun and exciting) and so although it might seem like a small thing to miss, it actually could have longer term ramifications and is important to DD.

As a result of this conversation, they've just moved it to a later start, with no real drama, and I have arranged for a coach to bring DD and her pony back from the competition (I will leave after the crucial part) and so we all get to be there for most of Dad's celebration.

So my suggestion would be have a conversation about it and see how your Mum feels about DD and DH coming later, or if it is even an option to do the party on the Sunday. People sometimes just pick times/dates that are arbitrary and they can sometimes easily be adjust slightly to make it easier for everyone.

As a grandmother I would much rather my granddaughter went to her gymnastics show. It sounds like you are more upset by it than your mum would be. It isn't about you though.

Family is loving times together, not a forced meal. If they're coming later, it's not a problem.

Do the show 100%

Good grief. Thank goodness we can give way in our family to do what is best.

I love my children, I love my grandchild. I'd want my grandchild to do her gymnastics.

There's always 70+1! Where if it were my nan we'd have sandwich spread sandwiches and a good old chuckle 😍

I think this is one of those things your daughter will hold a grudge against you for a long time if you force her not to do the show. Have a second special meal on the sunday.

yay! 2 special meals! - sell it like that to your mother

Your dd needs to do her activity.

Since you knew it was pending in this date range, it was unreasonable to set plans until you got the show date. She had a prior commitment.

I hate it when people say shit like this
The people who brought you up don't suddenly get relegated to random strangers the moment you have a kid of your own
What about childless people, do they not have families by that reckoning?
Fine to say you need to prioritise children in many situations but you don't have to disown everyone else to do so. Most people don't have a finite amount of love so that when they have a kid there's suddenly nothing left for their parents or siblings, and it's weird to suggest that's the case.

OP Cant you just move the "big celebration meal" to the Sunday lunch instead?

If not then tbh I do think "first plan takes precendence" should apply in most situations - its interesting because usually MN insists on that being the only polite way of choosing between engagements, so the majority of posts here are going against the grain.
I'm intrigued as to what would have happened if it was a friends birthday dd had agreed to go to and now wanted to drop for the show - most people on mn would presumably be annoyed at that if it was their kids birthday that they'd changed their minds about attending. Or if it was a family holiday abroad booked - presumably nobody would be suggesting that should be cancelled for a random show? I can see why dd would want to do it but if the organisation is that bad I imagine there will be several kids who can't make it.

Agree

Are you a grandparent?

I am.

I'd want my granddaughter to do what is best for her.

Does not always getting everything you want apply to Grandma too?

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I'm sorry but a grandchild kissing their grandparents birthday is pretty grim, even more so when it's for a non compulsory show

This.

I really don't see the problem.

Then again we are just a relaxed family - see above re my Mum's 70th, Mum wouldn't bat an eyelid about gd missing dinner, in fact she'd probably rather see gd at gymnastics.
We would though continue with dinner and she'd catch up with lots of cuddles and pudding later.

There’ll be loads more gymnastics shows etc, until she gives up on it of course 😉 But grandparents are precious, and you’re only 70 once. Sorry, but she does family stuff on this occasion. She also needs to learn that you don’t always get everything you want. Seems to me like dad is using it as an excuse to get of going himself!

This ^

I'd follow your husband's suggestion. It's your daughter's last performance with her group and she has been practicing hard. She and your DH can catch up with the celebrations when they arrive.