My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

Surely the commitment of the gymnastics came first when they enrolled her to this club and knew she was practising for a performance at which they always knew they get short notice for.

The birthday dinner was then poorly planned knowing an upcoming performance was imminent.

Mostly you can go back and check.. rehearsal start.. 8 weeks later show. Shows always on Fridays / Saturdays so best keep them clear around that rough date.

A 70th bday happens once. DH can do the kiddies’ gym show but you need to be at the birthday party.

It isn't about prioritizing your mother over your daughter.

It's about prioritizing:
-mothers 70th over DD's show
-prior commitment over later invitation
-family over school

It's rarely right to accept a later invitation over a prior commitment. And when the prior commitment is a wider family gathering for a grandmother's 70th, it's surely black and white.

DH's plan would be very unfair to your mother and extremely rude.

Thing is it's not an either/or.

DHs compromise solution means everyone gets a bit of what they want. Also a bit of a free pass for him if he isn't so bothered about the meal either.

They will both be there in time to sing Happy Birthday and cut the cake.

My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum
So maybe not such a close family after all?

I think you have already decided this is a fun show but not essential - she can enjoy the practice after all.

If your DH had agreed with you, then there wouldn't be an issue - you would all go and frame it positively for your DD. But this hasn't happened. Your DH is not on the same page (because his underlying vibe is, he is not keen on your mum?)

Fwiw, we have had this conflict in terms of sport event v family do (Golden Wedding) and the family do won out - but everybody was happy and on board with the decision and the kid who missed out now plays that sport professionally, so it did them no harm at all (but are also in the family photo for the Golden Wedding!)

Sometimes we can't do everything, and it sounds like your family event was organised first so that should be your answer maybe.

I agree with your husband. He stays and takes her to the show and drives up later.

@Iloveshihtzus same here. My lovely dad's 70th will forever be hugely significant to me as he died suddenly three days before. I'll never forget the heartbreak of his presents and him just not there.

I know everything thinks 70 is so young these days but it's not really, not everyone is that lucky. Time is becoming precious then.

I'm also from a non-UK culture and older relatives are revered.

It's typical on here. It's an old woman's birthday so of course it isn't as important as something that a child wants to do.

Except, in the real world, it is. IN fact it is more important because this is an elderly lady who has been ill and who doesn't get to see her whole family very often due to the kids commitments.

OP your instinct is right. This time you should prioritise your mother and her birthday. Children don't always have to take priority.

Could DD stay with a friend, who is also in the show so your DH can go to the Bday.

I don't know if she has those sort of friends in the gymnastic group but if she does they would have a great time getting ready together and celebrating afterwards. My DD did do sleepovers or short holidays with close school friends at that age.

I am not a fan of making a huge fuss around adults' birthdays. Not a grandmother yet but as a mother I would never want my children to miss an important event just so they could sit and have a birthday meal with me.

I do!

But I'd be ok with her coming after the show

i think expectations should have been managed as soon as the birthday date was set. “DD, you understand if your gymnastics happens to fall that day, you won’t be able to go to the show, right?” Then she’d have known the plan to begin with.

I’m going against the tide here to say she has lots of shows but there’s only one 70th birthday party for her grandmother. (Even if she has another grandmother, only one for this person.)

The birthday event was already committed to, the show was the clash. What I don’t get @Cofffffeeeplease is why you and your husband didn’t think about this and agree ahead of time.

Does she have close friends in the group? She could stay and have a sleepover with them after the show and the rest of you go.
Otherwise your DH staying with her seems sensible to me.

There is no way I would make my DD miss something so important to her when your DH has made a suitable adjustment. Very unfair.

I feel extremely conflicted as I’d also love my daughter to do her show but feel family comes first (birthday meal organised for months - show is the late addition).

The date is a late addition but the fact of it isn't. It's not at all ideal that they give you such little notice but that's a risk you took when you allowed her to be part of it.

She's been practising for a long time, I don't think you can pull it out from under her now however much you dress sit up as it being lovely to see grandma and her cousins.

The 70th is only a big deal because society tells us it is. I remember my dad, when we had a celebration for their 50th wedding anniversary, asking - not in a snide way but for him a genuine question - why being married for 50 years was seen as such a big thing, but next year when you'd achieved 51 years it was just another day.

I do think the responses here would be more one sided if this was a woman posting that she wanted her daughter to be in the show but her male partner was insisting that his mother's birthday should be the priority.

Let DD do the show and come up afterwards. Your mother will get over it. And think how excited DD will be to be able to tell everyone about it when she gets there.

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe. Maybe my views are clouded by the fact that my darling DM died after a very sort hospital spell aged 76, but I would alway, always prioritize a family celebration over a school show, particularly where the extended family do not get to spend too much time together.

Maybe it’s cultural, I live in Ireland, and no one I know would skip a family celebration meal with a grandma for a special birthday, to attend a school gymnastics show.

With your DH’s plan, he and DD will come up late Saturday and I presume stay overnight and be around Sunday morning and maybe lunch before driving back down.

So your mum will still get to see them both - just not for the meal itself. They are not missing the trip altogether.

I think that’s fine actually. Your mum will have 8 people there for her birthday meal and can then look forward to seeing her DGD and son in law the next day.

If it was either my mum or my MIL they’d be fine with this.

Let your DH take your DD to this. Yes, this is a reasonable compromise.

a bday dinner which could easily be done another weekend. Rearranging an entire family groups plans isn’t easy, particularly with the short notice the gymnastics fixture has afforded OP. Presumably there’s a valid reason why the family agreed on this particular date.

Would you and the family consider moving it? Absolutely batshit.

This!

I missed all sorts of family events growing up, because i was competing my ponies, don't recall it ever causing issues.

I think DH has suggested a good compromise

My mum just wanted a KFC for her 70th 😂I'll still be working at 70 so not seeing it as a big birthday anyway.

some of the replies here are weird. As far as i can see OPs mum hasn't said anything.

But surely we all know when mum's birthday is and to coordinate a family meal on that day with both offspring and their DCs must be set up well in advance.

The school are at fault for always giving very short notice, and that's something i would have brought up with them before.

The simple solution is ask DD what she wants to do. Gymnastics? fine she stays home with DH and does that. Granny's birthday meal? sure, and tell the school asap but it's their own fault for being silly about dates/times.

It is not a huge issue. But of course all the "oh adult birthdays are meaningless" brigade are out in force because this is MN.

Edited for typos

The thing is I know she’d also say to do the show but would actually be disappointed at the missed opportunity for everyone to have a meal together. And I think my brother would feel bewildered at my priorities.

Have you asked your daughter?

Maybe she'd love to see her cousins?

Perhaps this is an opportunity to organise more get togethers & not just for birthdays(if that is when they usually happen)?

Can the meal not be the day before/day after?
The show clearly means a lot to your daughter, I wouldn't make her miss it.

I was the one suggesting nudging it to Sunday as in the OP it says they are going for the weekend (eg Saturday and Sunday) And I was under the impression it was at the GPs house rather than a restaurant.

The gym show - which can't be moved - is on the Saturday, if they all wanted to celebrate together then I thought that potentially they could switch days (I didn't realise a restaurant had been booked)

My family like celebrating birthdays but we are pretty casual about the day. I had a party for my 40th about 2 weeks before the day because it fitted better with other family, DH 50th party was at least a month after the event! Obviously parties with booked venues are not changeable but I don't think (for adults) it's a massive deal if - with mutual agreement - you celebrate on a day that's not your actual birthday!

DH suggestion is a good one. Daughter has been working hard and practising and so I’m sure grandma will understand. Would she even want DD there if DD has had to miss her show for it? I know my mum and mil would insist that their grandkids did their show if they knew they’d worked hard and it was important to them. Your mum will still have you there and the rest of the family and then will see DD later on so still her on her bday.