Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

459 replies

Cofffffeeeplease · 27/03/2024 11:24

Hi there, I feel like I’m going mad and would be grateful for a sounding board please. My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set. It’s also my mum’s 70th coming up. We’re a small family and pretty close. We’ve arranged a weekend together at my parents house (my DH, kids and my brother’s family) to celebrate the birthday - dinner Saturday night etc. We don’t get together very often - my parents live 4 hours away and my brother another 2 hours from them. As you might have guessed, date of gymnastics show has been set for the same night as my mum’s birthday. For context my daughter’s group will be one of about 15 groups performing- not a competition- and really casual. But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this.

We just can’t do both - if she does the show she needs to miss the birthday meal (and all of the daytime stuff before it). My DH is keen not to upset my daughter and to stay with her to do the show and drive her up late afterwards. They’d get to my parents’ at 9ish - well after the meal is finished. My DH says I need to prioritise DD - but 70ths are a big deal. My mum wouldn’t say anything but would be absolutely gutted if my DH and DD missed it. I’d feel awful even raising the idea. My DH doesn’t have an easy relationship with my mum and so has no issue with conflict of loyalties. What would you do?

OP posts:
MrsWolf39 · 28/03/2024 10:04

If I make it to 70 and have a big birthday celebration, the only people I would want there would be the ones that actually want to be.

PrincessTeaSet · 28/03/2024 10:03

CharlotteBog · 28/03/2024 09:53

A grandparent living 4 hours away is of limited relevance to an 11 year old - they will be the only child sitting around with a bunch of adults they hardly know

In your opinion. Other people will have very close relationships with their extended family regardless of how far they live from them.

Adults certainly can as they knew each other before moving away, but children don't generally have close relationships with people they rarely see. Relationships are built in spending significant amounts of time together - not a weekend a couple of times a year.

gannett · 28/03/2024 10:02

I would never, ever feel hurt that someone couldn't come to my birthday party because they had to do a performance of something they'd rehearsed weekly for. Not a friend now and definitely not a child if I'd reached the big old age of 70.

Actually quite shocked that so many posters think that something an 11yo has put heart and soul into on a weekly basis (with teammates she doesn't want to let down) is so unimportant compared to a dinner in a restaurant. She will get to see her grandmother later that same night AND will be able to do something nice for her over the weekend. OP's husband's plan is the best.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/03/2024 09:54

Has anyone actually asked the daughter and granny what they would like

The obvious solution is dh plan

Dd does her gym show that she has been practising for

She may be sad her mum isn't there to watch but least dad will be

Rest of family do meal

Few hours later dd and dh arrive and can do cake and see granny

Then have Sunday to see granny again

CharlotteBog · 28/03/2024 09:53

A grandparent living 4 hours away is of limited relevance to an 11 year old - they will be the only child sitting around with a bunch of adults they hardly know

In your opinion. Other people will have very close relationships with their extended family regardless of how far they live from them.

PrincessTeaSet · 28/03/2024 09:36

concernedchild · 27/03/2024 12:48

Party first. It's unlikely you'll get much longer with her and I'm sorry but a show will happen again.

The grandma could have another 25 birthdays and the 11 year old will not have any more primary school shows.

A grandparent living 4 hours away is of limited relevance to an 11 year old - they will be the only child sitting around with a bunch of adults they hardly know. It sounds rubbish and they will be really disappointed to miss the show - will probably remember the disappointment for the rest of her life.

RedPony1 · 28/03/2024 09:32

thesurrealist · 27/03/2024 15:41

It's typical on here. It's an old woman's birthday so of course it isn't as important as something that a child wants to do.

Except, in the real world, it is. IN fact it is more important because this is an elderly lady who has been ill and who doesn't get to see her whole family very often due to the kids commitments.

OP your instinct is right. This time you should prioritise your mother and her birthday. Children don't always have to take priority.

Show quote history

In my world., which is real life to me, family gatherings would never take priority over shows/events/life. Nobody in my family would never get annoyed that someone was absent because they are off competing or taking part in a show/event.

i dont think we've ever had a gathering where everyone was present, always someone doing something else for some reason!!

ZiriForGood · 28/03/2024 08:11

Brother would be bewildered? Wtf?

If your DH's relationship with your side of the family is a bit tricky, having him stay behind to bring your DD later seems ideal.

MississippiAF · 28/03/2024 07:57

Your DH’s suggestion is fine. Your DM would be a bit precious if she really kicked up a fuss at this.

CharlotteBog · 28/03/2024 07:55

sashh · 28/03/2024 04:55

Could you do the dinner as Sunday lunch? That way your DH could go to DD's show and then drive her?

Did you read OP's three posts?
She said "the birthday meal can’t be moved - it’s for 10 of us at a nice restaurant and we’ve paid a chunky deposit."

sashh · 28/03/2024 04:55

Could you do the dinner as Sunday lunch? That way your DH could go to DD's show and then drive her?

MyMotherThouArt · 27/03/2024 21:07

Surely your mum doesn’t think her birthday party should take precedent over something an 11 year old has been working for and looking forward to?!

Especially since your daughter can come afterwards so her grandma will still see her.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 27/03/2024 20:55

I will be 70 in 3.5 years time and I would be proud of my granddaughter and so happy if she came later in the evening after her event.

No way would I want her to miss something she has worked for: gymnastics demands hard work, commitment and talent! We need to invest in young people.

Needanewname42 · 27/03/2024 20:47

NewName24 · 27/03/2024 18:21

The issue here is the lack of notice of the show.
It isn't about how important anyone else thinks the Grandmother's birthday is, it is about the fact that the family already have a commitment to be away for that weekend.
Surely the show organisers must have had to have booked this ages ago - it is their fault for not communicating the date.

I agree the show organisers have dropped the ball and should have communicated dates earlier.

But I still think it's unfair to the girl to allow her to spend time practicing, possibly be excited to be chosen for the display, only to later say No she can't do it.
It's totally undermining her efforts. And sends a poor message what her parents think of her attempts.

You also have to think, if she is upset at not getting to perform because of Grannys birthday, how likely is she to sit in a corner and sulk. Putting a dampner on it for everyone?

It's not like she isn't going to see Granny at all, or Granny isn't going to get a photo opportunity with her complete family.

There needs to be compromise.
But I'd still ask if it's possible for her group to be up first so they can get on the road ASAP

Fizbosshoes · 27/03/2024 18:58

koolkatdad · 27/03/2024 18:03

We did my Dad's 70th birthday in July, renting a cabin on a lake and having the family stay for a week. His actual birthday is in April.

Sounds like our family. We usually mark the occassion in some way on the day itself but its quite usual to do sonething else to celebrate on a different day.
In OPs case, the whole family are going to be there on the day albeit 2 of them a bit later than planned. It's not as if they were saying they wouldn't go at all!

DDs birthday is school holidays and she's grown up having her party or celebrations on a random day in July or September!

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2024 18:48

We'd prioritise the gymnastics. I think the compromise is fine. My children's grandparents think that sport is important and would want the kids to do that.

WandaWonder · 27/03/2024 18:42

If this was my grandchild I would want them to go to the gymnastics I would see them another time

Daleksatemyshed · 27/03/2024 18:37

It sounds as if your DD does these shows regularly, your DM will only be 70 once.

Godesstobe · 27/03/2024 18:36

I am going to be celebrating my 70th birthday this summer. FWIW I'd be perfectly fine with the compromise the OP's DH has proposed. Or move the celebration to another weekend.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/03/2024 18:35

Yup, DH is right.

Cnidarian · 27/03/2024 18:31

There would be no discussion on this in my house. We would all be at Grandma's for her birthday.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/03/2024 18:30

Why on earth do they only give a couple of weeks' notice of the gymnastics show? That's so stupid.

I would prioritise your mum's birthday.

luckylavender · 27/03/2024 18:30

NewName24 · 27/03/2024 18:21

The issue here is the lack of notice of the show.
It isn't about how important anyone else thinks the Grandmother's birthday is, it is about the fact that the family already have a commitment to be away for that weekend.
Surely the show organisers must have had to have booked this ages ago - it is their fault for not communicating the date.

Not the daughter's fault though.

Myotherusernameisshy · 27/03/2024 18:27

I might be biased because I have recently lost my mum in her 60s but for me family comes first. You are lucky to have a 70th to celebrate.
A show arranged with two weeks notice sounds like a bit of something and nothing to me. There will be plenty of opportunities for gymnastics in the future, when you don't already have important plans.

NewName24 · 27/03/2024 18:21

The issue here is the lack of notice of the show.
It isn't about how important anyone else thinks the Grandmother's birthday is, it is about the fact that the family already have a commitment to be away for that weekend.
Surely the show organisers must have had to have booked this ages ago - it is their fault for not communicating the date.