My mum’s big birthday and daughter wants to do a gymnastics show

@Cofffffeeeplease

what has happened on this? Did the party go well? Did your DH & DD attend the meal?

Let you DH do his plan, if she has put so much work into the performance she deserves to do it. She will remember that show, she is less likely to remember a birthday meal.

I've read your later message now. I honestly think that if you feel your mother would feel she had to give her blessing but would be really disappointed, then you don't mention it to her and let the dinner go ahead as planned. With only 10 of you for a special occasion, then two missing is a big deal. Would be different if it was a huge party. Or conversely, if it was always just a casual drop-in birthday with nothing special planned. Your daughter is only 11, I imagine she will forget about it pretty quickly.

I don't know whether it makes any difference to my perspective, but my mother didn't make it until 70. And when my parents/grandparents did have big birthdays or wedding anniversaries then we had lovely family occasions to mark them.

I think you should ask your mother how she would feel about DD and DH missing the dinner. If she says "oh of course she should do the show" then she does the show. If not, then I think DD and DH need to do the dinner. 70th birthday dinners with your family don't come round very often and I think it is important to mark these occasions together. There will be (and have been) more school gymnastic events. You all have a prior commitment to the dinner so you just say she can't do it.

@Cofffffeeeplease what did you go with, in the end?

Would completely agree with DH here. Good compromise to arri ve after eventnis finished. As a grandparent who has had her ' big birthday' I would suggest its up to Grandma to give this her blessing.

Tell me you haven't RTFT without telling me you haven't RTFT.

Let her go and go out for Sunday lunch instead! Don’t know why this is hard to think of! 🤯

Families are very different though aren't they @Janiie ? We're a close family and yes, she would have been devastated. She would never have asked him to miss his competition, but he didn't want to miss her birthday either.

As you say flexibility is an important life skill, for children too, as is understanding that other people are important too. I don't believe that children should get everything they want, whenever they want it either.

Either way, it didn't hold him back with his sport and given that my mum died 6 months later, I know it's not a decision he resents.

My kids are musical and have done lots of shows at secondary.

What is happening at 9pm? If it's drinks and dancing DH and DD will not miss everything. If it's just TV at home then she has missed everything. I would prioritise the party and explain to organisers why DD has to miss the show and say would be better to have more notice.

I can go and watch my secondary school kids do stuff, so that’s not entirely true.

I started with ime (in my experience) and the only time I've ever seen my kids perform in a gym display is year 6 at primary school. They've not been good enough to do it at secondary. DS has represented the school at a couple of other sports but parents were not invited to watch.

Some of the people who are posting "family always comes first" seem to think there is only one way of being a close family.

My family - my parents and grandparents, my siblings and their partners, and my siblings' children (now all in their 30s) and their children, have always been very close even though we all live hours apart including in Scotland and overseas. We have always made a big thing about family events like key birthdays and anniversaries and we get together at Christmas whenever we can.

But we are close because we love and like each other and want to get together, not because our family is like a prison camp with strict rules. In my view an important part of a family is mutual respect and a spirit of give and take. I think that's why we have stayed close and why the next generation - my children and my nephews and nieces - feel such affection for their extended family and want to meet up for celebrations whenever they can.

My DH's family were big on rules and rigid expectations and he and his siblings now hardly ever see each other.

There will be more shows, there will not be another 70th. I can go and watch my secondary school kids do stuff, so that’s not entirely true. Some things are just more important and family is important.

But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this

The other kids might not want her on the team for secondary if she let's them down at the last minute. She might not be even be good enough to make the secondary school team.

Far out. For a grandmother turning 70, it's a big deal and she'll want her family there, especially grandchildren. There will be plenty of shows but family always comes first. And a big family birthday is the thing of memories... the world doesn't revolve around an 11 year old. She'll get over it and your mum's joy will far outweigh your daughter's disappointment. Your mum deserves you all there. Good luck!

My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show. It usually happens over a weekend and we get only a couple of weeks’ notice of when the date is set.

@Needanewname42
only a couple of weeks notice, doesnt sound that important

My daughter (11) is part of a school gymnastics group which has been practicing to do a show....But, it’s her last one in primary school and she’s been practicing every week after school for this

That definitely indicates that they have been practicing for more than a couple of weeks. Even if they didn't know the exact date.

I'm 100% in the do both camp.
If dinner is booked for 7pm, it will be about over by 9pm. There are 10 people in the family I'm assuming that means 6 adults and 4 kids. The other kids will be starting to get restless anyway so 9pm is perfect timing to head back to the house for coffee and cake and party on. 🥳

Although I would explain the situation to the organisers and see if DDs school could be on stage early and try and get away once they've done their bit. So try there before 9pm, be there for main / dessert skipping starters

Why has rhe DH got an agenda? He's making more work for himself

Original plan.. shared travel. Nice meal.
His plan... ferrying child around, then a long drive, missing the nice meal, then doing same drive next day.

@Pantherbinks

FFS RTFT.
Your scenario is not remotely relevant to OP. The first one being she lives 4 hours away from her DM and other relatives live 6 hours away from DM so they hardly ever meet altogether.
The second is that a posh restaurant has been booked, deposit paid and they can't move it.

i dont think she had been training for months!
i think it was a couple of weeks training
and the issue is it is the LAST school event , so how on earth is she going to be persuaded to leave early, even on time.
i agree that the DH has his own agenda

To the people who say 'do both, DH and DD can arrive much later'

I feel like I may live in an alternative universe where, when there is a family birthday meal organised at a posh restaurant, people know that the main celebration is the meal itself and that's the part that people definitely know that they should be present at. It's not the kind of event that people can just schlep up to hours after the event.

I’m with your DH on this one, and would let your DD do the show and join later on. Is the meal out at a restaurant/pub or is it at your parents house? Could you flex things so that you do the nice meal, cake etc Sunday lunchtime when your DD and DH have arrived?
My parents and siblings are relatively closer to each other than yours, and we get together fairly regularly. 2 brothers and SIL work Saturdays, so this is our normal approach - those that can be there Saturday night get there and enjoy pizzas or a takeaway, something more casual, and a few drinks together. That includes brother and SIL who might arrive for 8-9ish after work, then we do the proper celebrations on Sunday when everyone including the other brother is there. Always works really well.

Why should people cancel or change long-standing, paid -for plans when the gymnastics organisers show such little regard for the participants and their families?

There is no question of the birthday plans being cancelled.

Just one grandchild and a son in law arriving late.