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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have DS approx 65% of the time - AIBU this ask STBXH for a contribution towards child maintenance

34 replies

Pinksparkles84 · 27/03/2024 10:01

STBXH and I broke up a few months ago. When we were together he gave me a monthly payment which just covered rent, bills, food and a bit towards DS afterschool club. I work 32 hours per week, he works full time. We earn about the same as each other now, although as he works in sales he sometimes gets a store bonus which means he probably earns more than me. I bought the majority of DS things in the past and if I’d ask STBXH for any extra money towards it, he would always say he only had enough money left for his petrol and wouldn’t give me any more money as he’d already given me enough at the beginning of the month and would always say I had to learn how to be better with money (he took out an IVA behind my back as he’d got himself into serious debt. He only came clean about it when I confronted him with letters I had intercepted).

when we split I said that it would be nice to get a monthly payment from him to contribute towards DS for after school club. He said that we should each buy our own things for DS and he would pay a monthly amount into the after school club account(he’s already failed to do this for next month as he was paid earlier this week). I’m scared to ask him about monthly maintenance as he already owes me £350 from the deposit on our rental (I moved out and he used our initial deposit for his deposit on the house we lived in). He feigned poverty saying he’d need to sell a kidney to pay me back and that he could only afford to give me £50 pm from next month saying with his increased bills by living by himself means he hasn’t got much (I am doubting whether he will pay, so I put a payment schedule together and asked him to commit to paying it back).

should he be paying money towards DS? He has DS 6 out of every 14 nights and I have DS every 8 out of 14 nights (but also it works out more as I have DS every Saturday day as STBXH works Saturdays). He never takes DS out on his days with him, he prefers to have a ‘lazy day’ and let DS play on his tablet all day, so he can sit around and watch sport and have some beers and eat takeaways.

i think he would get extremely difficult if I said that I did a child maintenance enquiry and saw he should pay around £130 pm. I’ve been putting it off to keep the peace. I would appreciate any suggestions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 27/03/2024 13:45

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/03/2024 11:36

Who cares if it angers him? This is not money for you, it's for your ds. Let me guess, who buys uniform? Sports kit? Swimming lessons / football subs? Haircuts? Birthday party presents? The no of nights is often a red herring as to how costs are really divided.

Go very low contact, set up a separate email address or cheap PAYG phone for just him and block him on everything else. Send through the CMS calculation and ask him to comply within 30 days. If not, you will open a case and he can deal with them. It's not a threat, it's simply using the system that has been put in place to depersonalise the process. Yes they're shit and if he's awkward they may not chase effectively but you know you've taken the right steps and it can be backdated from the time you made he claim so he could end up with £££ in back payment owed. Do not dance to his tune.

That’s a good point. I’ve always been the one to pay for these things - it was only last Christmas that he decided to put some money into buying DS some roblox (which he’d never done before). STBXH has recently bought DS a pair of school shoes and a few school jumpers but everything else is what I’ve bought or MIL has bought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 27/03/2024 13:45

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/03/2024 11:36

Who cares if it angers him? This is not money for you, it's for your ds. Let me guess, who buys uniform? Sports kit? Swimming lessons / football subs? Haircuts? Birthday party presents? The no of nights is often a red herring as to how costs are really divided.

Go very low contact, set up a separate email address or cheap PAYG phone for just him and block him on everything else. Send through the CMS calculation and ask him to comply within 30 days. If not, you will open a case and he can deal with them. It's not a threat, it's simply using the system that has been put in place to depersonalise the process. Yes they're shit and if he's awkward they may not chase effectively but you know you've taken the right steps and it can be backdated from the time you made he claim so he could end up with £££ in back payment owed. Do not dance to his tune.

That’s a good point. I’ve always been the one to pay for these things - it was only last Christmas that he decided to put some money into buying DS some roblox (which he’d never done before). STBXH has recently bought DS a pair of school shoes and a few school jumpers but everything else is what I’ve bought or MIL has bought.

OP posts:
Couldntgiveafunk · 27/03/2024 11:38

If you don’t go through CMS he will always use money to control you. He will punish your perceived “bad behaviour” by withholding money and you will get nothing but breadcrumbs to keep you sweet and compliant.

Go through CMS. He will either ask for 50/50, or he’ll have to pay. Don’t let him control you. Keeping the peace is another phrase for doing exactly what he wants, even after you have split.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/03/2024 11:36

Who cares if it angers him? This is not money for you, it's for your ds. Let me guess, who buys uniform? Sports kit? Swimming lessons / football subs? Haircuts? Birthday party presents? The no of nights is often a red herring as to how costs are really divided.

Go very low contact, set up a separate email address or cheap PAYG phone for just him and block him on everything else. Send through the CMS calculation and ask him to comply within 30 days. If not, you will open a case and he can deal with them. It's not a threat, it's simply using the system that has been put in place to depersonalise the process. Yes they're shit and if he's awkward they may not chase effectively but you know you've taken the right steps and it can be backdated from the time you made he claim so he could end up with £££ in back payment owed. Do not dance to his tune.

Bubblegummies · 27/03/2024 11:29

Tell him it’s that or you’ll push for it go through cms direct from his wages
get your facts together and speak to cms so you can present him with factual information and don’t get drawn into any conversations

Original poster
Pinksparkles84 · 27/03/2024 11:26

Bubblegummies · 27/03/2024 11:23

What does the cm calculator say https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

edit: sorry see you’ve worked this out. But if that’s what it says you are entitled to something so put the claim in

Edited

Thanks. I have done this and it says about £150pm. I’ve been avoiding approaching him about it as he’s been emotionally abusive in the past and quite controlling. I guess maybe I should just send this calculation through but I suspect it will anger him.

OP posts:
Bubblegummies · 27/03/2024 11:25

That’s what you’d be entitled to regardless of what he thinks

Bubblegummies · 27/03/2024 11:23

What does the cm calculator say https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

edit: sorry see you’ve worked this out. But if that’s what it says you are entitled to something so put the claim in

How the Child Maintenance Service works out child maintenance

See how the Child Maintenance Service works out maintenance and the rates they use

https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out