I have DS approx 65% of the time - AIBU this ask STBXH for a contribution towards child maintenance

Pinksparkles84 · 2024-03-27T10:01:19+00:00

STBXH and I broke up a few months ago. When we were together he gave me a monthly payment which just covered rent, bills, food and a bit towards DS afterschool club. I work 32 hours per week, he works full time. We earn about the same as each other now, although as he works in sales he sometimes gets a store bonus which means he probably earns more than me. I bought the majority of DS things in the past and if I’d ask STBXH for any extra money towards it, he would always say he only had enough money left for his petrol and wouldn’t give me any more money as he’d already given me enough at the beginning of the month and would always say I had to learn how to be better with money (he took out an IVA behind my back as he’d got himself into serious debt. He only came clean about it when I confronted him with letters I had intercepted). when we split I said that it would be nice to get a monthly payment from him to contribute towards DS for after school club. He said that we should each buy our own things for DS and he would pay a monthly amount into the after school club account(he’s already failed to do this for next month as he was paid earlier this week). I’m scared to ask him about monthly maintenance as he already owes me £350 from the deposit on our rental (I moved out and he used our initial deposit for his deposit on the house we lived in). He feigned poverty saying he’d need to sell a kidney to pay me back and that he could only afford to give me £50 pm from next month saying with his increased bills by living by himself means he hasn’t got much (I am doubting whether he will pay, so I put a payment schedule together and asked him to commit to paying it back). should he be paying money towards DS? He has DS 6 out of every 14 nights and I have DS every 8 out of 14 nights (but also it works out more as I have DS every Saturday day as STBXH works Saturdays). He never takes DS out on his days with him, he prefers to have a ‘lazy day’ and let DS play on his tablet all day, so he can sit around and watch sport and have some beers and eat takeaways. i think he would get extremely difficult if I said that I did a child maintenance enquiry and saw he should pay around £130 pm. I’ve been putting it off to keep the peace. I would appreciate any suggestions.

trackerc · 09/04/2024 17:19

Be prepared for when he wants to discuss it.
Have parrot phrases ready. Such as 'oh I see' or 'I wouldn't know about that' or 'I can't help with that, I'm looking for it to be simpler so we don't need to have tension on this' etc
Do not agree to negotiate, do not accept that whatever his bills or rental is is in anyway your responsibility. You do not need to discuss anything of his bills & commitments, they're his.
If you see he's getting irate just say shall we discuss this a different time? Let's wait & see what CMS come back with.
Also don't accept him trying to up his nights right now. Keep a detailed diary.
Right now it's all focus on your son. Just give yourself time & space, it'll help your anxiety too. You already know you make poor decisions when he's pressuring you, so you just need to keep on with the process. Let CMS deal with it. It will give you a bit of time & get yourself settled with all this upheaval.

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2024 16:54

Keep an open mind? Could it be an adult chat? Because that could be helpful.

Or, does he have form for bullying type behaviour. Because if so, keep the conversation short.

You tried to have a discussion about cm. He wouldn't engage. That's why you went to cms.

It sounds like he's probably lied to you about his income. From your pp he's was dishonest when you were together, so that's not hard to imagine.

Perhaps he can't afford to live in a 3 bed house and needs to move.

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 09/04/2024 13:21

He wants to discuss it later when he collects DS from my mums house. I’ve just redirected him to the child maintenance website and said that he’ll need to chat to them about it if he thinks the amount is wrong: part of me thinks he must be fibbing to make me feel sorry for him and forget the whole thing. I used to see his pay slips which said he earned £1,850pm but then he sometimes earned £2,000 pm if they got bonuses. Unless he had a bumper month in March and got loads of money (he was able to spend money on 2x dominoes one week so he must have spare cash).
He said he gets nothing from the government but was quite happy to take over the rental on our old house (which they upped by £150pm due to the new tenancy), so technically he’s a single guy living in a 3 bed house whilst I’m going to be renting a 2 bed flat which I can only just about afford on my salary alone. I think he thinks he can change my mind on it, but then he hasn’t come up with an alternative solution that means the costs will be shared. His thinking Is that it’s only clothes that DS needs but parenting costs are a lot more than that!

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 09/04/2024 10:02

So on that basis he is earning around £50,000 pa so to add context he has around £3200 a month take home after deductions to be needing to pay £255 a month on 156-174 nights or more (156 is 3days x52 weeks).

I'd now look at the associated costs. (Which will also put him off playing silly buggers and attempting to force 50/50 to avoid paying the maintenance).

⚽️ DS should not have to transfer anything between houses - he should have clothes, school uniform, toothbrush, pj's, teddy etc. At both houses. Hopefully he does the same weekdays at each house so for example if he goes to Cubs on a Tuesday he is always with you, or karate on a Thursday is always with dad. That will make specifics easier.

📚 He will also need to pay for afterschool etc on his days - speak to school ask them to set up a separate account for him (they are used to this!) And tell them which days he's responsible for.

⏰️ I'd also arrange a timing point for the start of each persons 24hr of responsibility for their 'night' so you might choose to handover at 9am, so that means that if you have ds sunday night, you are responsible for getting him to school on Monday (with his lunch!). But if dad has Monday night he takes any call from school after 9am to collect him, is responsible for afterschool club fees for Monday evening etc. It also means dad is responsible for any school holiday on his day from 9am etc. (You might want to think about the time point in terms of leaving for work etc. But 9am works for a friend who does 50/50 week on/off)

He is going to squeal about how unfair this is but just think about what YOU are paying out. You are going to need all your cash for your rental and ds. You parents might be supportive of him whilst they are supporting you but I doubt this will continue once you move.

Good luck OP. Stay strong!

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 09/04/2024 09:47

RawBloomers · 09/04/2024 02:11

Just want to point out that you thought he was going to owe around £150 from what you thought his income was. But when he put his actual figures in it apparently came out at £255. So he actually earns a heck of a lot more than he’s ever told you he does. Try plugging in some numbers until you can get the calculator to come up with £255 and see how much he actually earns. And he lets you pay the majority of DS’s expenses and taps you up for the pick ups and childcare so he can work. And he’s done that since before you broke up.

He’s a selfish, abusive shit, not a hard done by guy down on his luck.

I hadn’t thought about that but it’s something that I needed to hear. It may have been that he’s had a payrise but hadn’t said anything to me (as he regularly would). He always used to say things like I had a higher earning power as I have a career which is progressing, whereas he’s Earning the most he’ll ever earn as he’s in sales (although they get a store bonus if they sell a lot, so his income is sometimes higher). When he ever used to earn more, he would always say it’s his (even though originally he said if he earned more he’ll put it into a joint savings account which he never did) or just not tell me until it came through on our joint universal credit! I think I just have to have a hard stance and not let him bully me. You’re right that he’s an abusive man.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2024 09:16

I think I know what he means by 'amicable'.

"Don't ask me for anything, don't expect regular contributions."

It's irrelevant that you ended the relationship.

It's irrelevant that you're living with parents. But I suspect that moving into a new place means you'll need some new stuff for ds.

Sorry your parents aren't more supportive. I'm not sure why they feel he shouldn't support his son.

RawBloomers · 09/04/2024 02:11

Just want to point out that you thought he was going to owe around £150 from what you thought his income was. But when he put his actual figures in it apparently came out at £255. So he actually earns a heck of a lot more than he’s ever told you he does. Try plugging in some numbers until you can get the calculator to come up with £255 and see how much he actually earns. And he lets you pay the majority of DS’s expenses and taps you up for the pick ups and childcare so he can work. And he’s done that since before you broke up.

He’s a selfish, abusive shit, not a hard done by guy down on his luck.

LittleOwl153 · 08/04/2024 23:20

You're having a laugh because you are expecting him to consistently way to support his child... yeah... right...

He'll have more of a shock when you tell him the afterschool bill for 'his nights' are also his problem... as well as days off school on his time...

Don't back down. Don't cancel the CMS,let them chase it for him. This is your child's money.

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 08/04/2024 23:02

trackerc · 08/04/2024 21:09

Why are you using his views as a source of fact? Why are his circumstances more important than yours in your eyes right now?
Maintenance is a primary bill/debt that he is responsible for.
Of course he'd tell you 'it's unbelievable' & put you under pressure to back down. I mean, you do don't you? It's a well worn tactic I'd say.
Would he be sending a text to British Gas to say 'I'll only pay 20% of your bill this month' No he wouldn't. It's fixed. It's what is owed. To your children.
It's the same with this maintenance bill. It's taking the 'private negotiations' out of it, as it sounds like that's stressful for you & he can walk all over you & also promise 'as & when' which from what you say equals never or begrudgingly with a dollop of guilt.
Leaving it to child maintenance service means he doesn't need to tell you how much he earns, the HMRC will objectively review his earnings, from his wage info & they will determine the minimum of what he ought to pay. It takes away emotions (& him playing hardball on you).
If your parents were feeling a bit sorry for him, it's likely it's from info of what you're telling them, as you too are seeming to be on his side. You need to be on your & your DC side. What does your household need to get by & have a thriving family life? Ignore what his situation is. His affairs are not your concern.
Associated to this what you need to look at in terms of shared care is not what he's done this week overnight (it's holidays) but what he does (not promises) annually.

That’s true, he knows how to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for him so that I back down. It’s not about him it’s about our son.

OP posts:

trackerc · 08/04/2024 21:09

Why are you using his views as a source of fact? Why are his circumstances more important than yours in your eyes right now?
Maintenance is a primary bill/debt that he is responsible for.
Of course he'd tell you 'it's unbelievable' & put you under pressure to back down. I mean, you do don't you? It's a well worn tactic I'd say.
Would he be sending a text to British Gas to say 'I'll only pay 20% of your bill this month' No he wouldn't. It's fixed. It's what is owed. To your children.
It's the same with this maintenance bill. It's taking the 'private negotiations' out of it, as it sounds like that's stressful for you & he can walk all over you & also promise 'as & when' which from what you say equals never or begrudgingly with a dollop of guilt.
Leaving it to child maintenance service means he doesn't need to tell you how much he earns, the HMRC will objectively review his earnings, from his wage info & they will determine the minimum of what he ought to pay. It takes away emotions (& him playing hardball on you).
If your parents were feeling a bit sorry for him, it's likely it's from info of what you're telling them, as you too are seeming to be on his side. You need to be on your & your DC side. What does your household need to get by & have a thriving family life? Ignore what his situation is. His affairs are not your concern.
Associated to this what you need to look at in terms of shared care is not what he's done this week overnight (it's holidays) but what he does (not promises) annually.

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 08/04/2024 20:00

Also to put into context he took over the tenancy on our place and I’m living at home with mum and dad (although I’m move into my own place next month).

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Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 08/04/2024 19:59

Bellesbookshop · 08/04/2024 19:57

I hate all this stupid abbreviations.

What does STBXH mean pl???

It means soon to be x husband.

OP posts:

Bellesbookshop · 08/04/2024 19:57

I hate all this stupid abbreviations.

What does STBXH mean pl???

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 08/04/2024 19:57

He has had DS 3 out of the 7 nights this week so I can see his point but when I asked for any suggestions on how to manage DS money he said we’d do it as and when. I thought they would come back to say he needed to contribute £80-£100. I feel so bad and my anxiety is super high as I feel like the bad guy. 😭

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Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 08/04/2024 19:55

I’ve been quite triggered today and fed straight into the drama triangle as I’m feeling bad for him (I spoke to my parents about it all earlier and they said that they feel sorry for him despite what he’s done!) I know I’m entitled to claim child maintenance but I’d like to share the updated story as I wrote back to say that maybe we could come to some private arrangement. I’m not too sure what to say back (if anything)!

I have DS approx 65% of the time - AIBU this ask STBXH for a contribution towards child maintenance

OP posts:

Concannon88 · 03/04/2024 12:24

@Pinksparkles84 who cares what his financial situation is, you aren't a couple any longer and its not your problem. Let him sell that kidney. Make sure he pays what he owes his son! He can either cough up as soon as he gets paid so its a priority, or he can have the hassle of cms on his back!

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 03/04/2024 11:59

Thanks everyone for the responses. It gave me the confidence to apply for child maintenance which I don’t think I would have done as I would have tried to justify him not paying to ‘keep the peace’ and going with his idea of paying for things as DS needs it (which would ultimately mean me having to beg for money and being told that items I bought weren’t necessary!) I don’t really know where these men get off with the sob stories and fobbing us off!

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GrumpyPanda · 01/04/2024 16:02

Regarding Saturdays, stop agreeing to have DS in the daytime if ex has him overnight. Just tell him pickups won't work anymore.

GabriellaMontez · 01/04/2024 16:01

You say he's already not paid into the school account?

He's notoriously bad at managing money.

Why do you think he's going to start paying for uniform/ shoes/school trips/extra curricular now??

Get onto cms. Make sure he's providing for his ds.

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 01/04/2024 15:55

His suggestion is that we each manage our own things we’ve brought for DS and that he won’t agree to give me any money - he said he’s bought a few school outfits for DS and that we should swap them between houses. I feel a bit as though I’m making a suggestion that will cause arguments between us but then it’s more because I’m scared of him and he does have DS 35% of the time.

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trackerc · 01/04/2024 15:55

Hi
I think you need to look at what might he actually does - you had said it'd been agreed 6 & then said you do more than that in reality as he works Saturdays just be careful what you say & only work in facts.
Remember CMS deals in approx annual so if
in the last 3 months it's been actually 70% then say that. Be aware he will likely try to wangle it to 'seem like' he has him more to reduce the amount. Just keep to the facts & what's in reality, not with false promises.
Get the claim in, it removes or at least lessens those walking on eggshells feelings. Leave it to the CMS & remove all the opinion & conflict. He knows he can get you to back down. This was sent about you, this is about entitlement for your son.

Coconutter24 · 01/04/2024 15:54

Pinksparkles84 · 27/03/2024 11:26

Thanks. I have done this and it says about £150pm. I’ve been avoiding approaching him about it as he’s been emotionally abusive in the past and quite controlling. I guess maybe I should just send this calculation through but I suspect it will anger him.

Show quote history

You don’t need to approach him, if CMS say you’re entitled to something just put the claim in and let them deal with it.

However what he does on his days with DS is none of your business. Wether he has lazy days or days out that’s his choice

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 01/04/2024 15:45

I thought I’d give him the opportunity to come up with some sort of agreement as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I said that his suggestion of us each buying the same thing for DS wouldn’t work in reality and it would inherently mean one parent (aka me) would be the one paying out the most. I sent a long email saying how much would he suggest giving me for DS each month. He said he wasn’t agreeing to that. He definitely has a way of making me feel guilty for his situation and that i was the one that ended the relationship so I should move out and now his bills are huge (he managed to pay for dominoes 2 nights in a row for DS mind you!)
i guess my only option is now applying for child maintenance! #letthebattlebegin 🤦‍♀️

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colourfulcrochet · 27/03/2024 14:14

Don't communicate with him about this, just notify CMS. It's money for your child. End of story.

Crumpleton · 27/03/2024 14:02

Go through CMS let them sort it for you, he was quite happy in contributing to making a child so he can contribute to their upbringing.

Don't let him fob you off with the old "I'll send over a set amount each month" shit story, he'll have you over a barrel and you'll see pittance but be made to feel its your worth.