To consider having a child without a partner

You can end up as a single parent (my mum was widowed, for example). But to choose it is just selfish. No woman has a right to have a child just because they want one.

No I don’t agree op. This generation venerate women so there is this idea that women and mothers are better than men and fathers. Other generations said the opposite. A child needs both

i think despite relationships having ups and downs it’s about not settling and finding the right kind of person. Shared morals etc will help when times are tough. There is no such thing as perfect. I’m a single parent now but my children still benefit from the relationship they have with both of their parents. If I was single and hadn’t met anyone then I think going into parenting alone isn’t a bad option. Single parenting for me is tough sometimes but with babies it would be harder. Being unhappily married was a worse situation for me to be in. Positive male and female role models is ideal but it doesn’t always work like that!

A lot of men are selfish and you could have a child with someone, but still end up alone.

Most people are selfish.
Easy example..
I can afford a child, I want a child, I don't want a man just his semen. Isn't that selfish?

Of course you can still end up alone, even with a good man. A colleague of DH dropped dead getting ready for work leaving a wife with a young child and one on the way. Shit happens.

If OP wants a child fine, no need to rationalise it, just get on and do it.

Having grown up without a relationship to my dad and it really affecting me, I love the fact my children have a close relationship with their father (he's also an equal partner in parenting and in the house). He's very hands on and a great dad to our boys.
I do understand what you're saying though. Children are better off with no present father rather than a horrible / useless one.

I think if you have good support around you, and the financial means, go for it. A lot of men are selfish and you could have a child with someone, but still end up alone. I see lots of parents married or in relationships were they are doing absolutely everything anyway and most have another “man child” to look after. Children do well and thrive with one good parent. At least your child wouldn’t have to deal with “Daddy” leaving. Alot of
people have been left by their “perfect” Husbands. I’m not saying good men don’t exist but I think they are few and far between. Whether for cheating or that they just cannot cope with the responsibility of a child. My experience of pregnancy, it was nice to share the journey with ex partner, but in the long run we split up. When you split up with the Father of your child/children I think it takes your head away from parenting. I believe it’s easier to split up from someone who isn’t the child’s Father to start with.

lol. I just encouraged a girlfriend to try really hard to be gay. REALLY hard.

Anyway. You want a baby and no man then do it!

there are def excellent men out there. There are also overgrown children (ya know the 50 yo that acts 16) that expect you to be their momma and woman (nope! Too much turned off!).

so yeah. Do it! Join a single mum group, create your village. Or re-think your taste in men. But I do find the god ones were taken young, and divorced come with their own problems!

good luck, I’m sure you’ll rock it.

As a general rule, children do better with two parents than one, for a whole host of reasons.

Obviously if one of those parents is abusive, or it is a high conflict relationship/ marriage, then that is different.

But studies show that generally, having two parents in a low conflict partnership is the best setup. Doesn't matter if it's male, female etc. But two is better than one, as long as they are not fighting or abusive.

YANBU to consider it if you are getting older, want children, and haven't found a partner - but it's not the ideal. If you're young, wait and see if you meet someone.

That's a terribly sad story and also why it is very selfish to have children alone as some sort of screwed up experiment. Children are people, not props in their parents' life. Grow up, get real, and don't have children if you don't have a decent partner. Also, ask yourself what you bring to the table. It isn't just men who are inadequate at times, plenty of women could do a lot better.

I'm the same. I honestly think that women on here are NOT representative of life in general. I just don't know any men who are as awful as the men complained about on here seem to be.

Only if you pick a duff partner. I am childfree by choice, but I know a lot of couples with kids and all the dads are hands on, involved dads. The deadbeats you read about on this site aren't representative of the general population, I'm happy to say. I also don't think that you should deliberately set out to be a single parent, it isn't really fair on the child. Fair enough if something happens that renders you single, but it isn't an ideal situation and it is selfish imo to deliberately deprive a child of a father.

I think it’s a very selfish choice that prioritises your wishes over that of your child.

If you want it badly enough then crack on, but don’t kid yourself that it’s not incredibly selfish.

It’s important for children of either gender to have supportive and attentive parents / or parent.

considering searching on Google scholar for some peer reviewed literature on this matter.

the old ‘kids need a father figure or they’ll be screwed ‘ studies have been largely debunked .

life trajectories for children to single mothers, taking into account factors like socio economic status are pretty much the same as those with 2 parents.

Not all men are bad and some are better Dads, than women are mums, I've come across some great dads bringing up kids on their own for various reasons my brother in law for one after my sister in law died young.
Don't write off having a man in your life to share kids with. We all have our faults, I find men do quite often get slagged off ,I stopped watching Loose women as It seemed such an anti men show. There does seem to be alot of useless men on Mums net which is enough to put most of us off having a man.
Just test water before jumping in to have a kid with someone Having a bloke is generally better than not. All the best 🍀

It's mumsnet, what do you expect. Mumsnet can often be an angry and hateful place but sometimes a place of help and comfort.

Wow, some of the comments are... Angry.

You're right. What is the point of men I only work 12 hours a day 3am-3pm provide fully financially and with everything else that goes into having a daughter. I love my daughter to the moon and back and seeing these posts shaming men in general is very shallow. You seem entitled and arrogant so I think you was just hoping for everyone to say YNBU to confirm your own hatred towards men. Coming from a man who's suffered SA at the hands of my mother but I couldn't be more grateful for my father.

I didn't mention people who use sperm donors. Don't make things up to get angry about.

I don’t know anyone who considered donor conception without listening to donor conceived people and thinking long and hard about the impact using a donor would have. You’re just making things up to be angry about now.

If you can heal from your trauma and have a positive outlook on relationships in general (not just romantic), then yes choosing to be a single mother isn't unreasonable. Unfortunately the attitude you have expressed in this post and comments would be detrimental to your child's ability to form healthy friendships and relationships. Those are things that need to be modeled.

I personally have an amazingly supportive partner and he is definitely an equal parent. My life would be significantly more difficult if I was single with kids and my kids wouldn't be as well cared for. It is quite a hard life to live unless you make a lot of money. I do not care for my partner like a child, we support each other and have our designated roles/tasks in the household that we are both happy with. Being together makes much less work for both of us.

I was a nanny for a woman that never married (I don't know the reasons) and she chose to adopt a baby girl. Even though she was single she had many lasting friendships and a healthy social life. The child was well cared for and showered with love from all her friends. Her daughter will grow up to be well adjusted and be able to find fulfilling social relationships.

I think you first need to find fulfilling social relationships, they don't need to be romantic but it is a need all humans have. It is still a need even if life has used relationships as a source of pain and trauma. Address the trauma

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time OP. I wonder if some therapy might help? I think having a child on your own is incredibly tough but absolutely fine for you and the child if done so for good reasons (running out of time and no partner), but I'm not sure it's possible to raise a child right when you're in such a bad place that you feel hatred towards all other humans. For a start, your child would be another human.

If you have money, could you freeze some eggs while you're working on your mental health? If not, maybe set aside this question while you work on yourself, holding onto hope that you can be one of the many older mums once you're out the other side?

I know so many people who have been fucked up by parents who just needed therapy, and having a child is one of the hardest things a person can do emotionally speaking, so I would really advise against taking this route now. If money is an issue, speak to your GP and get googling because there are many ways of getting mental health support for free if the situation is very serious, and it sounds like you would qualify.

I hear you and concede that it was an unkind comment. I think I was trying to say that it takes two to tango. Sort of what comes around, goes around. You have to be a good partner to get a good partner. I find the whole generilisation of men being xyz harmful to boys and society. And I sort of wanted to ask a more rhetorical question since many women do have good husbands. Anyway, I agree that I could have left out that part and still make a point. Thank you for speaking up. ( as i side note, i hadn't read all of OP's updates, so didn't realise she is grieving)

I think it's wrong to deliberately bring a fatherless child into the world (see my previous posts)
But, your comment "what is wrong with you that you can't attract a good husband" is very unkind, thoughtless and totally unnecessary.
OP is bereft.
Why on Earth would you write something like that. It's actually quite difficult to find a good husband! Harder the older you get.
I still think deliberate single motherhood is not right, but that's a separate issue.

'What's wrong with you that you can't attract a good husband'

You can't be serious

orangesareorangey It's very telling how the anti people tend to focus on the child and the "you go girl!" posters only talk about the adult. "I knew a woman who did this and she has no regrets! She's amazing! I'm not mentioning the impact on the kid because they are just a prop in her life!"