To ask son to pay for his food?

40 years ago, as soon as I was working I was paying my parents rent. Back then it was £50 a month, or each time I was paid. It was totally acceptable to me. It reinforced I was a young adult and was gaining independence and responsibility.

Have you had the conversation about this?

I'm sure if you sit down and show him a typical budget for running the house, he will acknowledge staying at home is cheaper than moving out.

Without your help, how would he manage to live and feed himself on such a variable income? He wouldn't, in short. You need a contribution from him that covers more of what he costs you. If that leaves him short of funds, then he needs to up his income to a more regular amount, doesn't he? I'd give him the details of your bills and food costs and see whether he realises it is only fair he pays more rather than continuing to sponge off you. I wonder if this is how cocklodgers are made.

I was living in my own rented house at 20 and before I moved out I was paying £50 a week board to my parents. I’m shocked it’s even been asked if it’s unreasonable for an ADULT to pay his own way 😮

YANBU.

Your son is an adult and needs to learn to stand on his own feet. I could have managed without the money, but I charged my daughters for living at home once they had finished their education and had a job. I saved most of the money they paid me and later used it to help pay for one daughter’s wedding and to help another to buy a flat. It would be reasonable for your son to pay you £300 a month.

Hi. I know it's difficult!
But you're doing your son a disservice by not charging him a reasonable "mam" rent. How many working adults have £900 rattling about in their back pocket at the end of the month. I hope to god he's putting it in saves.
You'll never get rid of him if you carry on like this.

This is ridiculous, surely he can shop for and buy his own food?! What the heck does he spend £1200 a month on if its not living costs? What a life!

Regardless of his income he should be contributing and pay some rent.

Sounds like he is a fussy eater. Just make him buy his own food and then you won't have to subsidise him.

I wonder if he is aware as usually they chat to friends about this stuff. He may know but think u can afford to subsidise him . As parents we are guiding them towards a time we are no longer here. It’s testing them with a safety net so they can function properly alone . He needs to pay up as your quality of life is being affected because you are enabling him . Learning life lessons is tough but they help further develop skills that are needed as an adult.

Your son has specific foods he insists upon, then he should buy them himself, explain to him in this climate you simply can't afford to be fussy about brands.
You should also ask for a contribution towards rent-having a variable income should not mean he pays nothing , if his income varies between 600-1200 then £250-300 would be quite reasonable.

Yanbu at all to ask for contributions to the house. At £900 a month I would think at least £50 a week fair? He will have £700 just for him, which he wouldn't have if paying rent, bills, food etc. He's considered a grown up now, he can't rely on you to pay for everything. When I moved home for a year after university I paid what I could every week.

He should give you a decent whack of his salary, you are being too soft.

How about a percentage of his monthly income for rent and a set amount for food and bills. So it varies depending on what he's been paid.

This. But also sit down with him and have a straightforward talk about how the cost of living is affecting you and how he needs to step up and start to take some responsibility. If he throws a strop, wait to see if he calms down and then takes on board what you've said. If he doesn't, suggest he finds a place of his own where he can eat what he likes (and pay for it and the heating and the rent etc, etc!).

Time for him to do his own food/toiletries etc etc shopping, cooking, washing and ironing as well as contributing to energy bills.

I didn't fully read your question but half way through your post thought the best solution is he buys his own food. He's earning enough, and is old enough to start learning these things

He's in his twenties and all he pays is a few quid towards electricity? He needs to start living in the real world...

My DS is 20, was kicked out of Uni for not attending exams let alone lectures a year ago. I gave him 6 months rent free. Now he pays his share of the bills, £50 rent per week and he buys and cooks his own food. He has not got a job although now earns money from making TikTok videos.
I feel it is important he contributes, and has an incentive to earn and be independent.

Why are you reticent to ask him to contribute?

Why don't you simply suggest that, since he's bothered by what he eats, he buys it himself?

Hes 20. Even if you took £200 that's £700 he'd have left. That's still £150+ a week left for him self which is a fair bit and still a decent amount.

Or the other option is he pays for his own food. The cost of thingsbis crazy and at one time I'd of never took money off mine. But like you I'd be struggling to make sure he had everything and he'd be just wasting his money on stupid stuff or paying for his friends because he knew I was picking up the slack. Now things are just a ridiculous price. It's not on if he doesn't chip in, he can't help having sensory issues, if and when he moves out he'll get a shock at how much it costs. You deffo need to have that conversation. Mine once I spoke to him was like just take what you need I don't mind because he didn't like that I was struggling. X

My 19 yr old ds lives at home and is on an apprentice wage - he buys his own food and I didn't really need to ask. He eats a lot! Lots of protein, so I'm very glad he sorts it out himself. He also cooks most of it.

Charge him £50/week, use some of it and tuck the rest away into a savings account then you can give him a lump sum when he moves out.

"Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?"

He's early 20s. He's earning. OF COURSE he should be contributing to his keep, FFS!

Parenting is not just about giving them the best childhood you can, it is also about teaching them how to be an adult, preparing them for independence. Subsidising them to your own financial detriment - in what way does that prepare children for independent life?

Sit down together and crunch the numbers. Frankly, he should be offering dig money. Or maybe, since he's not eating what you're eating, he should be shopping for his own food - another move towards learning to be independent.

Expand your parenting to encompass training-to-be-an-adult!